im doubting myself a lot right now..worried about things..tonight was my first big trigger with my job..and i guess i really should have known it would happen at some point..but i was hoping slightly i would make it through the first week without having to deal with all of them and me too..im not so sure about any thing right now..and im still really on edge and cant calm down enough to go to sleep..so im writing and i really hope it helps because i have to go back to work in a few hours and deal with them all again..and its not really dealing with them its just there behaviors that i cant deal with i guess...tonight it started off with them yelling at each other, and then one running away from the group screaming, and crying and more yelling, and them not listening to anything..and they just talking about triggering them selves and i think that bothered me..because they talk about it like its nothing..and that its ok and all that and that bothers me a lot..i know some things that trigger me but not all of them and its not like im going to go and share it with the whole world..maybe im just feeling jealous about it all..because i do want to be able to talk about it like that and i cant..i wont..im still stuck with keeping things secrets ..even from myself but all of it just bothered me alot..and its like i cant deal with myself because i have to be strong and capable and in control from the girls and i cant break down or freak out ..and i get myself into enough trouble for not acknowledging my feelings..and now its like i have to push all my thoughts away because work is not the time to deal with my issues at all..but once i push them away then i wont deal with them at all..and i dont know what to do about that .. tonight it was bad because i wasnt expecting it to happen..and that would have been my first mistake..i should know better than to go to work ..especially this job and not be aware that i can be easily triggered..but then its like i cant get away to calm down and its like again that whole..im ok as long as i look ok type thing..and it doesnt matter if im freaking out or not about something.if i dont show it them im still in control somehow and thats not entirely true..because i can hold it in and not say a word about it and ill just end up doing something stupid later on..tonight my first thought was cutting..or hurting in some way to get out of my head..given i wouldnt do it at work..but i cant even hold myself to that because i have cut at work before..for various reasons..and im trying not to cut but the urge came back pretty hard tonight and it sucked..but i think the biggest issue with controlling myself tonight is that i wanted..needed to be alone fora bit and i couldnt..there were a million other things i needed to do and i needed to help with the girls and all there meltdowns..and i cant melt down or freak out..and i think im going to go back to being super controlled and not talking about anything at all because of being afraid that it will become to much to handle..and that saying nothing is better than sharing or talking..and i will go back to right where i was last year at this time ..cas oh last year at this time i was very very suicidal and not ok and all that ..and i really would rather not have a repeat of that but i dont know..the more i lose control the more in control i have to be..appearance is everything and thats how i always manage to keep my out of controlness under the radar..i always seem ok..i can always say im ok..and sometimes im not..sometimes i am..
i dont know im going to bed though..i have to go back to work tomorrow and sunday and then im in training for most of next week..
im really really hoping that once im more used to my job it will be better..but until then i think its going to be a big big struggle to keep myself safe
1 comment:
You can do this, but you do need to get a therapist ASAP that you can talk to. Until then, keep writing and writing - because that could be your basis for making yourself talk about it at a later time. I understand having to resort to pushing it away while you keep control to deal with the girls. But if you'll write about it after work - and know that eventually you'll have a therapist you trust - you can take that writing in the future to start dealing with your ownself again. For now, allow yourself to focus on the girls and keep telling yourself that you can do this. You have so much to give to the girls because of what you've gone through - and how much you've already learned; just because you're not totally through with all your issues doesn't mean you can't share what you do know - and you know the theory of how to deal with it - even when you still struggle with the practice of it in your own life - and that is beneficial too because you understand how HARD it is. Our greatest pain can be our greatest passion in helping others. You can do this. Hang on - and do your best not to hurt yourself. Talk to yourself in positive ways and know that you will eventually be back in therapy with someone you trust. Focus on your job, but start taking steps to get your own support system in place. The training will be a good break for you from the work with the girls where triggers are more frequent. Allow yourself to pretend - everyone does - no one is really that in control - and share the theory and share the techniques that you haven't fully mastered - but that you know. I'm serious - everyone has a "public face" that doesn't show the underneath. Those girls are fortunate to be able to talk - but they're in a safe setting. I'm sure it didn't happen overnight for them either (being able to talk about it). You will have a chance to talk about it in the future in your own safe setting. You can do this. I love you and am praying for you big time... Don't doubt yourself.
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