im currently frustrated with myself for a lot of things...some dealing with money and lack there of and some dealing with how ive been replacing all of my wanting to cut feelings with overeating big time...its frustrating and i know better..i really do..and instead im irgnoring what little good sense i have and just kinda saying screw it to everything because i want something to fill the ache of wanting something else..i did a pretty stupid thing this morning and weighed myself...and it was like holy crap i really hope that number is wrong :( its depressing and worrysome at the same time..and its also something i know i can work on and do better at..but im not trying at all right now..i know im not..it is a bad cycle of wanting and not having and replacing one bad habit with another..and some of it is that im so stressed when i leave work and the only places open to get anything to eat is fast food..i know for a fact that ive been getting to much fast food the past couple weeks..im not denying that at all..i eat to late at night..etc etc and so on..and i know im doing it and just keep overruling myself because at the time i think i want it..i may not even be hungry but i think i want to eat..when im really jus stressed and sad or upset or something..but eating makes me feel better because i cant cut...and id almost rather i was cutting..ugh..
and then the money issue comes up..and really i just cant do anything about that one right now..until next month and i start getting paid again...everything is kinda on hold right now until rent is paid and then ill be playing catch up big time next month..but i just get so worried about it..and i know that in reality i cant do anything until i have money..so i have to wait..and be patient..but its nerve racking cas i know i owe so manyn different places money for different stuff..and it is super frustrating..so im trying to wait and not stress..but i am...
not to mention there are a lot of issues with the pdoc place ..and ill be out of meds soon and they cant get me in for an appt...and i need to talk to them about the meds anyway..the lexapro is helping keep my anxiety under control..but its not really helping the depression anymore...i think it helped a little bit but it didnt really do a lot for the depression..and im a little afraid of being put on something else..but the depression is becoming an issue again.. i dont want to leave the house and im sad all the time again..not suicidal but just kinda sad and wanting to be alone and not around ppl and just alot of the old stuff ..old thoughts and feelings coming back up...and id rather they didnt get so bad again..so linda is going to call and see whats going on with that..and ive been talking to her once a week now on the phone..cas i was having such a hard time with things..and then next week i have the eap lady to go and talk to and im hoping she will be able to explain my insurance a bit more..well the mental health part of it anyway..and then ill just go from there..
but i think ive rambled on enough for one morning..
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