since ive had this open for forever..i guess i should actually write something in it..
im so tired..like energy drain maximized or something..i knew i was tired earlier but then i went to fix dinner and the mess in the kitchen annoyed me and so i just had to clean it up some ..and it wasnt my mess but it was just a community mess and so i just went and got it more in order and cleaned up a bit...im going to have to just go a bit slower i think..cas the more on edge i feel..then the more the messiness of the apartment becomes a bother and theres just nothing that can be done about that right now..im out of space to put stuff and we cant really get rid of stuff until we have a desk and bookshelves to get things off the floor..so trying to be calm about it but yes the mess is starting to bother me big time ... im trying to be patient but its hard cas i want it all put away and neat and organized now..and its not and ugh..its starting to drive me crazy
but today in general was overwhelming..and i think having a hard time at home made today seem even more overwhelming than usual...i had a ton of paper work to fill out..and then i had to get a drug test and a tb test..and then i had to do a benefits thing kinda and none of the 401k info makes sense to me ..and makes me feel so stupid and dumb..because i try to read it and it makes my head spin even more..and then i met my supervisor..and learned all the cottage/group stuff/computer stuff..the morning paperwork stuff was like job guidelines, reading the handbook, and signing away my life lol..the cottage stuff was more knowing the layout, where everything is, what ill be doing, etc..and by then i think my head was swimming in exhaustion..but then i met my group of girls and there are 6 girls..and they are an interesting bunch..they knew i was coming and starting and so as soon as i say the group they you know said hi and everything..but im still new and so they were showing off and all that good stuff and so they were a little all over the place..but i guess its better that i see them like this now and not later..not that it surprises me but yeah..that nice grace period ppl like to tell you about when starting with groups doesnt really happen all the time lol..id rather forego the grace period of super good kids and just let them start out as they are..saves me the stress later..if i can get out all my frustration now..then ill be better able to deal with them later on..but in general they are nice kids..but i know im gonna have to be super super careful because my supervisor was telling me about each of the girls and 3 or more of the 6 have abuse issues on top of other things, one has s/i and sui issues also..and so i know there will be issues that will be a big big problem for me if im not careful and if im not paying attention.. but in general just a lot to take in today..all the new people and place and getting used to things..i know its going to take time and everything but i hate being the new person and not knowing things...but im sure them starting me off with a full week of work was there way of helping me to get to know my group and the rules and guidelines and all that better ! i work from tues - sunday with thursday off this week :dunce im going to be busy to put it nicely ..there are a lot of things im thinking about and worrying about and all that and im worried about being on time and showing up and all that..mornings really arent my strong point ..maybe i just need to make sure im sleeping enough and having enough time to kinda destress ..but i say that and cant think of a thing to do about it thats healthy :-/ im supposed to be setting a good explain you know..i cant go back to cutting cas of feeling so stressed out :(
but i guess the good news in all of it is that i have a job, i showed up, i was on time and looked presentable..i think i made a good first impression..and my benefits once im done with the paperwork will start next month! that i am excited about..
i have so much info to read and go over and i just cant do it tonight..ill have to look at it tomorrow before heading in to work..
so i guess im going to bed..i dont think i can handle anything else today
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