im upset, not really upset but just thinking. forgiveness has been on my mind since yesterday and going to the workshop thingy about it, and i didnt realize it still upsets us so much. normally i dont consider it much at all, well i think i did for a little while but i guess the thoughts come and go like everything else. but this was pretty straightforward chat about forgiveness and things. and well first i realized i will suck horribly if i ever had to go to group therapy, because it makes me zone out so badly..but also that im so far from forgiving and letting things go that its just hugely disappointing..knowing it will be good and knowing it wont happen at the same time is hard.. i mean i listened to the convo from yesterday..most of it anyway..but then anger got in the way of listening and so it was kind of in and out but anyway..there is a huge huge refusual to forgive anyone for anything..im bad about holding grudges..i dont think the world owes me anything..but the people who have hurt me deserves something..i dont know.its like i deal with myself every single measly day..all the depression and anger and sadness and hate..i have to deal with it and live with it, and adjust to it..and its like all the people who hurt me just get off so easy.they have nothing to deal with..they dont have to fight to get up in the morning and make it through the day like i have to..they dont have to make sure they have fifty million little toys around all the time just to stay in my small little space of reality..its hard and it makes me so so mad..because none of this will be solved in a day, a week, a year down the line...what do i have to look forward to? a life full of hurting and therapy and meds just to stay calm enough to get through every stupid day? thats what i have to look forward to..a life of constantly wanting something more that cant be put into words..being forced to hope that there is something better because it cant get any worse..its not fair ..and so yes it makes me very very mad..and i refuse to forgive.i dont want to..i dont think i want revenge..but i want something..i want them to know how hard it is..to live..to die..to survive..
the same way the hope of things changing with mommy still is a huge huge issue...i cant let it go..i can get close..i can be right there..ready to let it all go..and then i change my mind..i never stop wanting it..i never stop needing it..the drive to have her approval is as strong as ever..the need to have it is as strong as ever..and it doesnt matter if i know somewhere in my head that its not going to happen..that it will never happen..i have to believe it will..i need to believe it will..because if i dont..if i stop believing that it will happen..all ill have to think about and look at is the loss of two sets of parents that i just wasnt good enough for..
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