Today I just woke up and was not in the best of moods…and then mommy called me and I knew that as soon as I started to her I could tell she wanted something from me…I just didn’t know what it was…but I knew it was something..and that made me feel really depressed..because my first thought was that the only time she sounds like she cares is when she needs for me to do something..and I knew it was a bit fishy when she was asking me all these questions about work and junk..i knew it..and I was right..she does want me to do something for her..and I almost wish she would just come out and ask from the beginning and not like try to convince me that she called for a different reason…it makes me feel really stupid when she does that..like I don’t know what shes trying to do..and I do..im not stupid…I don’t know..it just makes me feel depressed and just not important..i don’t know I just want to be needed or wanted ..and I don’t get that..and that’s why I spend so much time with the kids I work with..they need me..they want me to come just to be there..its the only time I feel just a little bit important..how pathetic is that?? That I need my job to feel just a little bit important…and all of the thoughts are just locked inside my head and im tired..i feel tired and just sad today…
Yesterday was a hard day..and it was my fault..but the panic set in..and I was freaking out and scared..and I know I was overreacting..but I just didn’t know what to do with myself..and again the situation was all my fault..and if I had done what I was supposed to do ahead of time then I wouldn’t have panicked and felt so lost and confused… ( and I guess today is a harp on me day) im very close to saying that I hate myself for being so stupid and careless and just not doing my work..i deserve to lose my job and be fired and go back home and suffer..yep that’s now I feel right now..like I deserve things to just mess all the heck up and then ill go home and justice will be served..so much for taking care of myself and trying to care about myself and all that bs that is being pushed at me..from inside and outside and I just keep pretending that im doing it..and sometimes I do try a little .but its just stupid and I need to stop trying and just get what I deserve and call it a day…I was at work yesterday and it just kinda hit me that my supervisor is gone..i had a hard time dealing with it..accepting it..i kept quiet when the other counselors were talking about how they felt and stuff..i don’t want a new supervisor..i don’t want to have to get used to another person..i don’t want to..and I want to throw a tantrum about it..i just sat quietly through the meeting yesterday..and tried not to notice the empty desk next to me…knowing that she is not there makes me feel so sad and like I did something wrong…im taking her leaving personally…like I really drove her away..like I was just an awful person and she just had to get away from me..and that I liked her to much and I shouldn’t have done that..and now shes gone..and im afraid that im going to forget her..already I freak out about not remembering what she looks like…I fel like im so stupid for liking her..like I should have known better because this is what happens…people leave me..i like them and they go away and leave me alone..and it makes me feel broken and afraid..like that I shouldn’t like anyone because they will leave me all alone..and I don’t know how to make it better…I don’t know what to say to make myself feel better..because I am just feelings really broken..i knew nothing was going to happen with the whole relationship thing..i did..really I did…but I didn’t expect her to leave..and I didn’t expect things to have to change..and maybe that’s the driving force behind things right now…is that it’s a change..and a big one..and I don’t know how to deal with it..and so all of my energy and thinking is going towards the fact that the old supervisor is not there..and I want her..i know her..and I was used to her..and she knew..knew that I was ..i don’t know what she knew L she just knew..and now shes gone..and I wont be able to talk to her anymore…I realized yesterday that I am taking her leaving very personal..and I don’t know how to change that..i understand ppl leave and move on..i do it..ive done it more than once..but its different when its me that’s leaving and moving on…its not the same when someone leaves me…its just not..
Why cant the meds just make me not think and worry and feel so sad ? I just want them to make me feel happy and not care all the time..i don’t want to just manage..i want to be happy … I don’t want to be sad anymore..does that make me stupid? I feel really stupid today..
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