todays thoughts

feeling pretty quiet today...and sore lol...thinking alot about different things..which is never a really good idea at all...maybe i just need to go and take a nap or something? its only 12 and it feels so much later than that..sad that the snow is melting and that its all sunny today..didnt want the sun to come back ..but i guess if i have to go home on wed then i need the sun to melt the snow! so i can drive and not have mommy freaking me out..she already told me not to go and lpay in the snow cas i could fall and get hurt yeah ok..im not gonna go play in the snow cas i could fall ?! i fall everytime i get around snow! and it hasnt hurt me yet..so just had to ignore that one..because it was nice being outside..in the snow and having fun..which is prolly why im so sore and achy today..

yvonnes bf will be out by the fiirst of the year..and that makes me really happy...he has be in out apartment since i got here and so it will be nice for him to go..and im going to h ave to talk to yvonne about him giving back his key cas if he has his own palce he shouldnt be here without her..i think that is worrying me a little bit..

yvonne has been letting me use her computer ..and we talked a little about my future of owning a mac lol..and she mentioned waiting until tax free weekend and all of that..which i hadnt thought of at all..cas im only thinking short term and wasnt at all thinking long term lol..but it does make sense to wait and save up..well i knew i wouldnt be getting a laptop next week or anything lol..but she brought up the future trip to new york..and i really want that..more than a new computer ...so the trip has to come before the computer..which is fine and all..i just needed to be reminded of what i had going on and what i was planning for..i mean ive already looked up train tickets, and the show prices..and the awesome seats are like $168 i think..but they are up there and i want to sit in the front..i do i do i do..if i have to save and if im postivie im going, then it is going to be the most awesome trip ever..and ill save from jan till sept to make it work...and since ive conned yvonne and oompaas and my sister into possibly going..i have a lot of planning to do! so i just need to not forget and start wanting other stuff..cas that will happen to and i know i kinda stick at controlling impulses...big time...i want so much..and just kinda blow up what i need..so yeah...thats what i have to work with...

trying hard not to think about going home because that will lead to being overly stressed and anxious...trying hard just not to think..cas the past few days the depression has been back and forth but when its at the front of my head it is pretty bad..i wonder if the cymbalta can make the lexapro not work anymore? or maybe its not the right dose yet..but its not working ..or helping..and i think its making me feel a little worse but im not sure..i still have another week or so before seeing the pdoc to figure out if it helps or not..had to fight myself last night not to take any more than i was supposed to of the sleep med..because i kept thinking i wanted to sleep and one just wasnt enough...so yeah..assumming my head is a bit not ok right now...and as much as i like the snow it is leaving me feeling really trapped..closed in sorta..i cant leave and go out..but i spent a lot of time outside yesterday and it didnt really help the fear that was setting in..it was just the fact that i was trapped inside that started to get to me as the day wore on...maybe im just super weird and cant really have a completely nice thing without something making it not ok i dont know

but tomorrow its back to work so im going to try hard to make today as relaxing as possible...and then its work monday and tuesday..and then home w,t,f, and i have to drive back really on friday so it wont be a lot of time at home that day..cas i have to work friday evening..and i said i would come in early to help cook dinner...and i dont mind that at all..because i do enjoy them when they arent all at each others throats..and thats less time i have to spend at home..

so my goal for the day is just straightening up..and doing laundry...i realize i dont have a lot of time next week to get it done so it needs to be done today so i can start packing and what not..

i also need to reschedule my labwork appt..cant make it there next week..and i want to do as little driving in the snow as possible..because im just not used to it and it scares me..so ill reschedule...and hopefully will keep the next appt..

so yeah..i guess thats all my rambles for today..i think there are so many thoughts going on in my head today that everything is just kinda quiet and still...