im trying to pull my thoughts together to actually write and get some things out..so i guess ill apolgfize now for rambling horribly..im really tired right now..i actually woke up at a decent hour this morning but after being up and running a few errands this morning im home and just worn out already..
i keep thinking about what happened the other night and it just frustrates me..that i was so easily lead into arguing with a kid..and it wasnt the argument really..it was just how defensive i felt that made me want to argue and argue and keep arguing because i was right and she wasnt..and it wasnt even a big deal but i was mad..she was mad first for some other reason but it came out over the stupid video game..and then i got mad and just yelled right back at her..given she was way more disrepectful in her yelling because to state her point she went and just had to start cursing at me..which i dont like anyway..and so yeah..it wasnt cool at all..i was mad..i am mad..frustrated..disappointed..ugh..because this was from one of the kids i actually liked you know..its common knowledge in the cottage that she likes me ..hmm adult figure type like...but that she does..and so to have her blow up at me like that was unexpected and really hurtful :(..and yeah i took it incredibly personal..i did..and i completely admitted that to my supervisor when i talked to her about it..but once i cant past the anger at having my feelings hurt ..i realized it was more of the having to defend myself that made me feel more agitated and anxious..because then it wasnt completely about the kid anymore ..i was way back into needing to defend myself to stay out of trouble..once it got to needing to defend myself i knew i was in trouble and it all just goes down hill from there..and so thats why the agitation was so bad the other night...i dont like feeling like i need to defend myself .. i really dont...it puts me on edge.it makes me think im wrong..when i knew i wasnt in this particular case..i wasnt wrong..i was doing my job and she was just taking her anger out on me..which wasnt ok at all either..and i guess i had just gotten to comfortable with them..and kinda just forgot that they have there issues to and even though its been a good few weeks, there blow ups can happen over any thing..and be directed at anyone...but it still doesnt make it ok at all...one of the other s taff that was there that night went with her to her room..and talked to her about how she was acting..and made her apologize in front of the group to me..but i didnt believe her apology at all..i really dont..because she didnt mean it..because she did it only because she had to..and because she went and laughed the entire time she talked and didnt once look at me..i told her ok after she was finished but i did not tell her i accepted her apology at all..because i didnt...i went outside for a few minutes before the apology because i thought i was going to cry i was so upset...but came back in and finished what i was needing to do..but i was just out of it for the rest of the night..i didnt want to be bothered or talked to..and couldnt deal with any of the other girls being around me or to close to me..i had to tell one girl to not hug me without asking..and she apologized for the girl who had been so rude to me.which was nice..but it didnt really make me feel better..my shift partner told me not to let it get to me..but i cant not ..because i cant sit there and explain why it is that it bothers me so much..and it all pertains to past stuff..not all present stuff..its hard to skip over the missing details and expect to be understood..and i think that is why i had such issues talking to my supervisor about what happened and how i wasnt dealing with it..she also told me not to take it personal, that it wasnt about me..etc etc..which is true but at the time thats not what i wanted to hear..i know its not about me..i know im there to work with the girls ..but i have stuff going on to and not being able to talk about it or be understood completely puts me in a really hard spot..i dont want to spill my life story to my supervisor..i really dont..because its not her business..but in refusing to share then that means i have to get used to not being understood completely ... its like im just setting myself up to fail and its not fair..i would lose my job if they thought i couldnt handle it because of my own mental health issues..and i like my job...and i dont know what to do about it...i went to work yesterday..almost was late but managed to get there just on time..and it was like i didnt want to be there..i was detached for the majority of yesterday from my group, from my shift partner..just from everything..i was quieter than usual for work..and im sure some of the girls picked up on it...the particular girl who got into the yelling match with me stayed away from for almost all of yesterday..i didnt talk to her unless i had to, i talked to all the other girls..and just couldnt give in enough to talk to the one girl..so i didnt ...i told my supervisor i was mad at her and so i just wasnt going to talk to her for the day..but i also think that the girl knew what she had done was really wrong..and she didnt know how to really make up for it..and so she just stayed away from me..she was really quiet yesterday and where she is normally right next to me for most of the day when im working..i rarely saw her...and so last night before she went to bed i just went and told her that i was disappointed with her, and still upset with her for how she acted..i told her we were ok but that im not gonna just you know stop showing up for something..but that it wasnt cool and that i didnt want it to happen again..she said ok..so i think a couple days away from them all will be good..give me time to process and try hard to let it go..but im just not sure about it..i need to let it go because if i dont it will just bother me ..and i think in general im back to being ok with the kid..because no its not worth it to hold the grudge..even if i want to hold it..but just the defensive feelings im having a hard time letting go..what it makes me think about ..etc..that i dont want to let go..the upset i dont want to let go..and i may have the most horrible memory ever..but im pretty sure ill remember the feelings associated with the other night..i will...just because of how much it brought up..i later pushed it away..and tried to ignore it ..but it was still pretty obvious something was up with me..and i made it home and everything without seeing my roommate or her bf cas i was afraid if either of them had said anything to me i would have blown up or had a melt down..had to control myself big time and not take to many meds to quiet my head when i got home..the urge is there..and im trying to keep the thoughts out of my head..but its not easy..
mommy is up to her usual tricks it seems...demanding my time to do stuff for her..telling me what i should and shouldnt do..etc..its stupid..it sucks..its not fair..and it makes me tired...everything makes me tired..not to mention it makes me feel crazy needing to be on meds..and maybe its just the waiting to find the right combo and having to try so many options before the right one is found that bothers me more...cas i think it will be a lot of switching things around i guess..if the cymbalta doesnt help..and im not even sure i know how to tell if it is helping..i feel the same..just tired..i sleep more but im still tired..i dont know..i dont want to eat..maybe ill keep the cymbalta just for that ..
the meds are ok i guess..havent broken out with a rash or anything weird...i dont think there has been any change at all..except for sleeping through the night..so no idea what to talk to the pdoc about tomorrow..i see t and pdoc tomorrow..fun ..well i kinda really want to see t because i didnt see her at all last week..and it makes me anxious not to talk to someone during the week..which i hate admitting..but i think its wearing on me a little..not being able to keep a stable safe place yet..and i know its just scheduling issues that get in the way ..but still its bothering me..for as much as i dont talk..you would think i would be thrilled to not have sessions every week..but i think its just something at going and it being there and an option that calms my head down..and so not having it and all the time and space inbetween sessions starts to just leave things crowded in my head
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