maybe i can actually write something that makes sense ...
you know with the meds and well missing that one day and feeling so horrible..i know for a fact that the meds stop me from feeling super uber depressed and suicidal..and that should be a good thing..why isnt it a good thing? why dont i let it be a good thing? how can i miss feeling that bad? that one day of feeling absolutely horrible made me realize that it has been a while..that my feelings that were so comfortable in all there wrongness and badness werent there anymore..why would i want them back ? now? when i should be feeling safer and calmer? oh i dont know ..i really dont..i have no idea why im even thinking of any of this..its all so depressing and yet its what i know..its the feelings that im am comfortable with..and the neutral things are just kinda moving along feelings are bothering me a lot..because i am so out of my comfort zone i want to go back to the feelings that i know..and can understand...i dont like all the new feelings..all the this will be ok feelings..they arent mine and i dont want them..i just dont..
but i was thinking about it this morning ..something different .. and its the list of rights that the new t gave me that is bothering me so much..she wants me to read them every day..and thats no biggie..i can read them..i can read them 50 times a day and it still would make no difference..i would still refuse to really truly believe any of them..i think they are lies..like someone just sat down and thought of every single thing that i didnt believe and put it in one nice little list just for me to have and ignore..i should believe them though..they are true..i do have those rights..just like everyone else..but i read them and consider them all wrong..theres something about them that i dont like and so i cant believe them..they arent true and if i hadnt said i would read them i wouldnt even be looking at them..i read them and can see mommy telling me they are wrong..that i dont deserve anything..i have to earn respect and love and caring..all things that i dont really go after ...and it still surprises me when im told im trusted..when im told im good or caring or i have patience..no i dont ..im not any of those things..everyone is just lying to me and its not fair..why cant everyone just see things my way and leave me alone about it . maybe i dont want to change..has anyone thought of that? or bothered to ask me that? :snoopy no thats not fair..its not a fair questions. because my therapist ask me again and again what i want and i cant tell them anything..the words are still locked in my throat and i cant say them..because its wrong..because its attention..because i just cant say any of it..i think i want to much..i always want..im not happy with what i have..i have to want and want and want..no..im just used to wanting..because i cant be contained..because love can be bought and sold and its just a matter of who is offering the highest price at the time..gosh..sometimes..sometimes the depth of feelings is so overwhelming..so surprising and scary..things i know i shouldnt think or want..and i do..they are all there still hiding in my head..just waiting to slip into my thoughts..or twist things around until the worst things seem completely ok and completely attainable..somehow the wrongness of wanting to die isnt that important...but figuring out how to do it is...figuring out triggers isnt as important as occasionally making sure i walk right into them..just for the effect it causes..all things i should know not to do..all things ive been told again and again to stop doing and i wont..i cant..i cant have them and so i want it more..i cant deal with emotions on a more normal basis and so i just make things worse for myself..i should talk like a normal person and i cant..i should i should i should and i cant..i cant do anything and yet im still alive..i still manage to get out of bed in the morning and eventually make myself focus enough to go to work..i was distracted enough at work today that i wasnt watching the clock..but some days all it is, all i can do is move through my day in hopes that it will become late enough that i can safely go to bed..thats all im after..an escape..i still want an escape and i havent found one...i get so mad at my old t ..because i cant talk to her..i want to talk to her..i do and i cant and it hurts a lot ..
i accidently cut my finger the other day while cooking...i dont know what i was thinking holding the knife like i was..but i knew ..i had thought i was going to end up cutting myself if i wasnt more careful..and i did..it was so surprising..pain and then nothing..it was a small cut..but a little deepish..but i look at it and wonder if it will scar..i look at the girls i work with who i know are cutters and i look for there scars..i want to know if they are like mine..if they can be seen or felt..i always worrry people will be able to feel my scars through my clothes..i get anxious if anyone touches my arms ..i get paranoid that every one has figured it out but no one questions me on it..would i even bother lying if they did ? would i even care enough to try to come up with some lie? i got a good look at my arms this morning..and i felt nothing..my arms are ruined and will never be fixed..i hoped before that the scars would fade in time..but i really looked at them today and i know that they wont..not really...the ones on my lower arm have been there for almost 9 years and they are just as obvious as ever..so the ones higher up are not ever going to go away..i will be hiding then forever..because who is going to understand..in my day to day life..why i cant wear a lot of stuff..or do a lot of stuff..or go to have a shot without freaking out about it? how can i explain the thinking and logic behind why they are there?
there is just to much tonight to have to deal with..
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