very sad

t was today..how is it that on days when i have therapy it always feels like i need her more...it takes me most of my time to get comfortable being there and then by the time i am comfortable its time to leave again *sigh* ...thats why therapy takes so long..its only an hour when i feel like i need like 5 hours to get anything at all resolved..im not even sure what i want to talk about most of the time...i did avoid what i had written though and it helped that she hadnt finished reading it all yet..but i was so scared before i went..like almost not wanting to show up scared..but i left her feeling ok..i think..nothing majorly going on..just a lot of talking about cutting and reactions and things..the usual stuff that i try hard to manage..but now im feeling so so so sad..at work but want to cry so much..want to hide..or disappear or just run away and not deal with any of it...because i found out today that i may have to give up my cl..well one of them..that one ive had the longest..and its so hard and i dont know what to do..if i get a job i would have had to leave him anyway...but i dont have another job yet and i think a part of me just really wasnt thinking i would ever get another job and that i would be working with him for forever..but now im not so sure..i dont want to let him go..and i know his sister and his niece and nephew and all of them are going to take it really hard..but if im not making enough money then its not helping me either..:( i didnt think i would have to do this at all..not now..not ever..dont know how i would change jobs then :( but i keep losing hours...i keep losing money..and its just getting hard or going to get harder to keep up with bills right when im starting to catch up again...i dont want to be realistic or logical about it..i want to just sit somewhere and cry because its so hard and i know i have to make the choice because it would be helpful if i was there to help train a new person kinda..but i dont want someone else taking my job..its mine mine mine..now i claim ownership?!?! i dont know...feeling so confused right now..like a steady downhill spiral..and the more i think about it all the more it makes me sad and upset and then i think about cutting or something else and i dont want that either..but all that i can think of after that is calling t again and i dont want to do that because i swear i just saw her like a few hours ago..i cant break down in like 5 hours..good grief whats wrong with me