a lot has been going on

ok ill pay attention to this now and actually write something..

things have been really bad to put it nicely..last week went so far beyond sucking i have no idea what to call it..therapy was tuesday..by thursday i was completely suicidal and not ok and stressed and overwhlemed and ended up calling her just to talk a bit..because i wanted to really really cut...talked to her and then was ok a bit..she called me back later that night to check on me and we talked for a few minutes and i was ok again...and the next day i woke up suicidal..i didnt want to cut at all i just wanted to go away..and i was to the point of being ready to call her just to say goodbye and that i was sorry..somehow managed to call her and we talked for like 20 or so minutes..and i was better but no where near being ok ..but there wasnt much we could do about it becuase i was going out of town with everyone and couldnt get in to see her at all before we left..so that wasnt going to happen..and talking would just have to be enough...but its pretty much coming down to that its going to be hospital or meds..if i cant get mysellf back under control..im not going into the hospital unless ive already tried to kill myself and im not going to just let someone else try to make me go..thats one thing i will just not be ok with..which really only leaves meds or well just meds i guess..a mix of meds and therapy..yea i cant wait..i dont really want meds either and if i cant afford them then it wont be happening anyway..but ill consider them...

but last week just sucked becuase i was already on edge from therapy and then work issues popped up, and then all the added stress from going out of town and mommy..and then i found out i didnt get the job i interviewed for..so all of it just happened at once and i couldnt calm down..i couldnt even think a full thought anymore by the time thursday can around and i didnt want to deal with anyone at all..and it was just bad..and so not ok..i guess im better now..i think..some of the stress is off..the weekend is over and i managed to do it without cutting..still dont know how that happened..i really dont..because it was me, yvonne, mommy, nia and rob in atl for henrys game..they played good but lost..and mommy was up to her usual stuff and told yvonne that i was to mean and selfish to ever get married..thats a real nice comment and i was freaking sitting right there..who would say something like that?? and then expect it to be agreed with..and i think it pissed her off that yvonne didnt agree with her..mommy also told me that she wanted to make me mad because then she knew i wouldnt say anything to her..she said i ask to many questions and wont just do what im told..yep life is just going great at home..and im so very thrilled that i moved back...but i didnt want to go in the first place..but it was better asking and having yvonne there..except that i had so much on my mind that i just kinda was there but i wasnt.. i talked when i had to and when my head felt clear but for the most part i stayed quiet..let everyone talk around me..i just kinda disappeared into the background...i was the outsider..i wasnt really completely included..i was just the afterthought..sucky spot to be in..but in a way i was just so set on pushing everyone away..so set on being by myself and no one understanding at all..so i didnt talk..i couldnt..im still so stuck on making sure its all hidden..of just i dont know ..struggling with it all..but in the end i did tell yvonne a little bit of what was going on..what my options were becoming...its like 1 in the morning and well we had both been drinking..but talked all the same..she did more of the talking but i listened and responded occasionally with actual words..and the night before that..all four us us went drinking and then out to breakfast at like 3 in the morning..after we got to the hotel and mommy went to bed..and that really was fun and im glad we did it..i never want to drive like that again..but because i was such a good driver and used the speed limits as afterthoughts when passing cops we shortened that 8 hr drive into like6 and a half..with stops and everything too ! but no im sick of looking at the inside of my car now..no more trips out of town..for a while..not in my car with that many ppl..

i feel like a failure about the job..i want to give up looking but i also know that ill kill myself if im stuck at home for much longer and then i just dont know..because yvonne is moving to va after dec..thats farther away than just a couple hour drive..what will happen..i dont really care to move to richmond at all..but theres not much holding me here either..just therapy really..if i move ill stop again..and then how long will it take to get me to go back? will i go back to all my old stuff? i dont know..if i dont have another job by then maybe i will consider moving with her...dont know..

and after talking it over with my therapist..i decided not to make any big changes right now with my job...because it really was just adding to the stress of everything..and yes my cl lost hours and im now being paid less but its work..its a job and i will still get paid..and i didnt want to let him go yet..but cant decide..but now i know that when i do leave him it will be really really hard..because i freaked big time when i found out about his hours..aand then being given the option to keep him or not work with him anymore..that was just so hard..my concept of time is really screwed because i get started with something and then i let myself think it will stay that way..that it will just never chagne and i wont have anything to worry about ..that ill be ok and fine and safe with whatever it is..and then something happens and its like no it doesnt work like that..time keeps moving..things have to change and i just have a melt down becuase i cant wrap my head around why things have to change and cant stay the way i want them too..makes it much harder to deal with and get past..

so besides just feeling completely on edge and sad..and drained..im just back to walking a very thin line between being ok and not ok...like all it will take is just one more thing and ill be pushed back into suicidal zone..still really feeling the urge to just go away but i dont know exactly what type of going away i mean or want..

didnt turn in my paperwork either..for last week..so im falling behind more and more again..but last night i felt like crap and just wanted to sleep for a while..so i did..but at the cost of not completeing it..so i have a goal to have it all turned in by tomorrow..i hope..