i realize i havent been writing here all that much..last week sucked and i didnt really want to write a lot anywhere..didnt do much but show up to work last week and well therapy..this week is a bit better..head not feeling so fuzzy and so i guess thats improvement.. im a slacker and still majorly behind on my paperwork and turning it in..to the point of messing with my paychecks now..thats lovely...my fault for not doing it ..but im just not interested in it anymore and thats bad..very very bad because if i dont do it then i dont get paid and thats not even enough to motivate me anymore..crap..depression has some part in it too..not wanting to do anything and just wanting to stay in bed and not even go to work in the first place..being at home is just getting harder and harder to deal with..and im looking for a new job i am but right now its not going so fast because im sick of looking and its a pain and its just more stress..and i start to freak out about everything when i start looking...but i know ill have too..even if i means giving up the cls i work with now..even if they dont want me to leave..if i cant keep up with my bills then its not ok..and i cant lol..so its not really ok..and its hard this month but next month is going to suck even more money wise..at least gas prices are going down..thats helpful...
yesterday i freaked out before therapy and seriously went to hide in the bathroom..questioned how long i could stay in there before anyone came to look for me..stinks that the doors are locked in the first place..creepy too..but eventually i made myself get out of the bathroom..but later on in the day i realized that i freaked out but didnt think of cutting at all..tried to remember what happened and what i was thinking about and it was mostly just me telling myself to calm down and being annoyed that i picked right then to freak out..but i didnt consider cutting..i dont know why..i dont even know how i managed to not do it..but i did..its slightly disbelieving you know..ive gone through so many different ranges of cutting and now even though i do have an entire pack of new razors ..the best ones no less..i still havent used them..havent even looked them..cas if i do ill remember that i really do want them and not be able to talk myself out of it..and yea there are still lots of times when i want them so very much and would do almost anything to have it but then the stupid little nagging voice reminds me that i have to call linda ..and i hate talking on the phone and well admitting that something is wrong..because its never just oh i want to cut and thats it...no its a long and drawn out process that i try hard not to think about.. and i also keep telling myself that its a choice..i remind myself of that a lot throughout the day now..its a choice and i have to make it good or bad..i have to remind myself that i dont have to cut..i want to ..id give up breathing some days to have it..but still the underlying thought is that i dont have too..crap linda has told me that so many times im actually remembering it..major crap..
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