from yesterday

this came up in therapy today and im not sure yet what i think about
it..

it seems so simple to ask for persmission to remember..but from who am
i asking? why do i even have to ask..when they are supposed to be
memories. and when it came up inside it was like i watched myself just
kinda standing in front of this huge wall...trying so hard to get
around it ...running into it again and again..and its like crap all i
need to do is get around it and i cant..its like knowing where
everything is at..everything i want to know and well dont want to know
is behind the wall and i just dont know how to get to them..it gets in
the way..its so frustrating..and the more i think about it the more i
wonder if asking is even enough...

i really dont know

feeling so confused and just out of it right now..wanting to just shut down completely and not deal with anything else..tried to remember things from the past..just the little stuff and besides being really dejected that there was nothing to remember..it was just made me feel really sad..talked some about the stairs thing..but couldnt remember what the 'trouble' was...yes something happened but as to what it was exactly im not sure :(...but then we talked about houses and well i remember one..but questions came up because the one we remember there wasnt a basement but we are positive one of the houses had a basement..so it was like remembering a house and a half in the vaguest way possible..wasnt sure if we moved or not..it was really bothering me so i went and asked mommy tonight while we were out..just asked how many times we moved living in the city...4 times..we lived in four different places..2 of which there is no memory of at all..how do you forget moving 4 different times? moving is a huge deal..packing and unpacking and putting things away..4 different houses..and i remember almost nothing? why is that? i dont know..and its really upsetting..its hard to explain away something that big...forgetting one yea maybe..2 ok fine..bad memory..or to small to remember...but freaking 4 is a bit much to not be remembering ... no thats just not ok...feeling really anxious and upset...and completely lost and sad