hmmm its been a long time..and yep a lot has happened and a lot of things have changed i guess...i made it through the funeral and i guess that is the most important thing..i missed a week or so of work and went home and it was really odd i guess seeing so many family members and just not being able to remember who they were..they remember me but i cant remember them..nia talked to me about something that happened and i just couldnt remember the person at all..nia remembered and i didnt ...it sucked...but all the random always crowded feeling sucked..there were always ppl around..always someone walking in and out of the house and i still cant do crowds..i stayed out of most of it thankfully but on the actual say of the funeral i had to be there..it was raining and sad and i wasnt worried about myself or anything i was fine..sad but fine...i was more worreid about mommy..i am still worried about mommy and that she is at home alone without anyone right now...mommy freaked at the funeral and wake..riley told me about the first time and i was there for the second one...ive never seen mommy like that and that worried me...i told henry to go be with her..all her sisters and brothers were there too but i think henry helping was good too..i couldnt do it..i didnt cry at all at the funeral and it was really weird seeing the dead body but now ive been to a funeral..and its not as scary as i thought it would be but id rather not have to ever go to another one..i dont know how it is that i am completely disillusioned about death..its like no one can die but i hear about it all the time on the news and in magazines and everything..but for some reason i just dont never apply it to me and my life..yes i knew granny was sick but i didnt think she would die..i thought she would be there for forever to argue with mommy and be annoying and demanding...but at the same time its like ok maybe i hsould have tried harder to get to know granny more...i saw her and did things for her but i didnt expect anything from her...i dont expect things from anyone..yes it was nice being at home for a little while but it was so hard..saw my godmother agin for the first time in over ten years..funny that she didnt recongize me nia or henry when we picked her up! she walked right past us lol...she told me everyday she loved me..it worried me that it is that easy to make the vulunerable part of me wake up and scream to be noticed..i hated that and i want to kill that part of myself for forever..but it made me think (after i got over the wanting to kill it and everything part of things) but how is it that i can halfway accept love of someone else or easily when i know them..am i really that starved for attention and love? im not a child i should be able to take care of myself..i cant but thats another story...dont know i guess
all of that aside im am back at work now and back at my apartment today...well our kids went home on thursday and im sorry to say im not sad at all..2 are coming back and i dont mind the two coming back but for most i wasnt sad to see them go...i came back and it was really nice having my kids running to say hi to me and tell me they missed me...it was nice having a lot of the staff saying hi and telling me i was missed and asking how everything was and how i was...and i am glad that i made it back before they left but that lasted all of maybe an hour before i was wishing i had stayed at home...once the two that caused trouble were mad at me again it was back to the usual i hate you..you hate me deal...they didnt listen and were just mad they couldnt get there way..and yea it still hurts and it sucks they are that clueless and stupid and full of themselves that they cant see what the point of being their is..it makes me feel like we did nothing the whole time we were together..but then during the closing ceremony all of us counselors got some good compliments from the kids..some were the usual your nice or funny and some were really well thoughtout and i was proud of my kids...but at the same time i found out that one of my kids wrote some really mean things about me...race wise really mean things about me..it was disappointing more than anything else..yea my feelings were hurt but im still trying to figure out what really happened and why and im not sure i will..it was like suddenly i had this kid apoligizing to me from something but he wouldnt tell me what...and i was like how can i accept your apoligy when i odnt know what happened..i asked clare and erica and they wouldnt tell me right then..but i found out anyway when i saw what it was and it hurt...its so stupid and i dont believe he was sorry at all..he was sorry he was caught that was all...i cant believe it...so our kids are gone and thats that...i hate to say i dont ever want to see some of them again but i dont..i dont want to be anywhere near them...
a few ppl came to my house last night and we got dinner and drank and partied and it was fun..but still i was glad when the louder ones decided to go home..and suddenly my fridge is full of alcohol ill never drink..and tons of junk food..but it was fun last night and im not sorry we did it at all...i spent the day with clare today and we hung out and went to the movies and shopping and the mall...ive lived here for over 6 months and today is the first time ive gone to the mall that is like 10 minutes from my house!i dont really like shopping by myself in the mall and ive never gone but there is a build a bear there so i learned!!!! i cant wait to tell yvonne that there is one here..i really want to make another one...and finally got to go and see pirates of the carribean 3 which rocked so much...and i had clare looking for webkinz with me :) and that was fun too...
it is back to work tomorrow afternoon and im ready to go back kinda but i hope this group works better as a group..not to mention i dont know who im working with or which cabin im going ot be in...so its just a bit weird right now i think...
hmmm on to other stuff...im not losing weight..ive gained a couple pounds..my fault really..i didnt care and went home and like completely had cake everyday..im being a pig and all the drinking alst night didnt help at all!! i want to start trying again..well more like pay attention to what im eating and exercising more ..my usual stuff i always swear to do but then stop doing after a couple days...but at some point ill find motivation i suppose and it will matter ..but for now im not sure i care...i stay in the same range give or take and its so stupid at times..but oh well...im actually thinking of joing a gym somewhere or moving my eliptical to the living room so i can use it and watch tv since thats what i do most of the at home anyway...just watch tv...and be online...
yep i still have a horribly incredibly life
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