hmmm

whether i want to or not we are going hiking tomorrow for the staff 4 day hike..im kinda looking forward to it kinda not..hiking is hiking and i suck at it..but then i still finish it suffer or not and after its all said and done how will i feel then? will it change anything at all except that i can say i finished another 24 mile hike .. will it give me anymore confidence in myself or who i am? i was talking yesterday about why i even came back to talisman when it wasnt the population i wanted to work with..and its because of the staff..becuase of the admin ...i had a talk with my program managers today and they said that they want to see me in more of a leadership role..and that they were really glad i had come back and that i was going to work in base again..they told me that they had seen a lot in my last summe rand that they hoped this summer i would keep growing and work on moving up in my strengths..it was interesting to say the least..i never see this stuff and i never believe it..but still i have ppl telling me every single day that they love me and they appreciate my help and all this positive stuff..and maybe one day it really will get through..dont know..highlight of my day today ..i got to play bad camper again!!! i packed my backpack wrong and they had to check and make sure i had everything i needed..well everything i needed was a fire extingusher, a roll of toliet paper, jenga blocks, a bible, bunches of stuffed animals, markers, candy, shoes that werent mine, pillow and a tennis racket..and i fit it all in and swore up and down i was ready to go hiking..and the counselors working with me actually did a good job getting me to realize that i needed to repack and couldnt take all of that because it wasnt a good idea..it was great..i talked about it all day and then when i got a backpack and walked into the office and just said i needed stuff to pack that was wrong ..and everyone just started handing me the most off the wall stuff possible.but it was a lot of fun..and during the hike ill be on meds and have to take them at teh weirdest times i could possibly think of..me and matt are on meds and the 3 of us are bad campers for the trip..so lots to look forward to but the hiking still worries me..i know i dont eat enough a lot of the time but when im hiking i really really dont eat..and i dont like a lot of the trail food and some things i just refuse to eat ..like summer sausage..its beyond gross..but i know ill have trouble if i dont eat but i cant bring myself to eat mcuh either...i already know im dehydrated and i know it will just get worse over the next four days while hiking..i think ill bring three water bottles on the hike because i know ill dehydrate and be miserable and thirsty all the time...its like yea i know what im going into but i dont know how to make it ok and deal with it...so i just go and keep telling myself im fine and that it iwll be ok...and i know ill get to the end but it will be long and hard...maybe ill be ok at the end..sore and tired and cranky but ok ! i found out i lost like 7 pounds in a week...dont know how or why but i did..i know it could be water and what not from not drinking enough water and whatnot but still im losing weight..and eating without throwing up..go me i guess...but now that im conciously thinking about it i know im not doing so well..but i also know that hiking for 5 days and not eating means ill drop weight really kinda fast...so ill see how it goes..im trying hard not to weigh myself now but i will in the morning...and then again when we get back from the hike...just to see..and even then ill be going on two more hikes after this..you know i learned today that you can burn up to 900cals from hiking for a couple hours..not like a walk in the woods but real hiking like we are doing..i never knew that?! i never bothered to learn or care really how many you used up hiking but its good to know i guess..and now ill obsess heavily about it but its good to know...

yesterday was yesterday was really hard...i knew when i saw it on the schedule that i should skip that talk on suicide and eating disorders ..i knew and everytime i looked at it the more i wanted to go and hear it..and i did and i couldnt make myself walk out in the middle of and i really wanted too..i really needed to get up and walk ouot and i didnt..i stayed and suffered and got so anxious and antsy and felt miserable...here i am sitting there and listening to all the signs of suicide and he touched on cutting a little bit but it was mostly catching suicide ideations before it gets into planning stages..so im just zoning out horribly thinking about a million different things..and no matter how sad i was suddenly feeling and no matter how many ppl i watched get up and walk out only to be followed by staff so they could talk if they needed too and i wouldnt move..i listened but didnt listen at the same time..and i hated it the whole time i was there because yea i can recount in detail what it is to be suicidal but then they would all know..and what then?? i would lose my job..and then what.. i would be lost and hurt and i dont know...and i hate not knowing..so i keep my secerts and keep my sufferings to myself..and it sucks all the more..because lately all i want to do is talk and i cant...i havent been really writing in my other journal to much but im going to have to ..ill take it on the hike with me...