a bit overwhelmed

i dont know..im feeling a bit overwhelmed..really overwhelmed in some ways..im tired and have no energy right this minute and i just want to go to sleep really..but its not even 8 and we are rushing around trying to get things ready for the kids coming tomorrow..and im excited and nervous but really ready to get started..lots of cleaning and planning that had to get done...but ive been noticing that i dont do well when i have to mayn loud things going on at once near me..i knew i didnt really enjoy crwds but here when there are always like 5 different convos going on and games being played and laughing and everyhting going on at once and it makes me so nervous and agitated..and on edge..and some kids came today the teens did ..but after that its just i dont know everything feels really confused...i really want to throw up and it really annoyed me that i just figured out there is no privacy anywhere on this campus...kinda random i just figured that out today but its a pain in the butt..im used to being here with like max 10 other ppl not 70 and i got used to being able to go and get whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and know i have to ask and now im just to just counselor and i cant just walk into the office and grab keys to the nurses place and just go in..and it was surprising this morning when i was told i couldnt go into the nurses office without her being there..its like ok ive been here longer than a lot of you and whatever but fine ok im just a counselor and blah blah blah..not a big deal and i dont know why it bothered me so much but it did and it shouldnt have..i feel like im not pulling my weight and doing my fair share of stuff and it shouldnt be like that but it is ..i do tons..im all over the place and its like its not enough..like i have to prove i deserve to be here like everyone else...its stupid in a way and its not that i dont like being here i just dont know what im supposed to think..i get nervous easily and its not like i have tons of self confidence or self esteem or anything but being around so many ppl how just seem to pick things up really easy and i cant get the hang of stuff makes it hard...i can tell when my mood drops and i cant do anythingabout it..if someone asks whats wrong i say im fine..might be incredibly suicidal at that moment but it doesnt matter im fine..i dont know how to just give in and say i need a break or just to talk..i dont know how to just sit down and let someone know everything without worrying but its the worrying that stops me in the first place...its like always on the tip of my tongue to talk to someone but i dont know who i dont know how..for the little bit that yvonne pushes the more i refuse to tell her anything..i keep thinking one day ill tell her..one day ill finally let her figure it all out and leave it alone but i dont know if ill ever let that happen..maybe im not ment to be helped in whatever way it is that i need it..i dont know..i read the summary that was written on me after the hike since i was bad camper ..and its weird how easily im read sometimes...it was all completely appropriate and needed but i didnt know anyone noticed when i was withdrawing or being quiet and not talking or just needing to be noticed a bit more..i wasnt the loud one and i wasnt the most talkative but i was noticed just a bit...but still im feeling incredibvly misunderstood..i wonder how many ppl would keep making the purging comments if they knew i threw up after eating..given it was made as a joke and i didnt respond but it was enough to make me stop and think a bit..it had really been a good while since ive wanted to purge..mainly because the last time i did it i felt really really sick and gross and miserable for a night..and it just stopped again..maybe had something to do with being asked to stop but i stopped..and then the other night i went out for dinner and ice cream and first off the ice cream was to much sugar after the four day hike but really i just had a burger and fries and a huge ice cream cone and i felt so sick..really full and really sick and i said i was going to throw up and really ment it but i didnt..but i thought about it until after we got back to camp and was almost ready to cry because i couldnt figure out a release that wouldnt hurt..i didnt purge in the end..got sidetracked and talked to hollice for an hour and by then it was almost 1 in the morning and it was time to go to bed..but tonight i felt it again...for some reason today i was just really hungry and no matter what i ate it didnt help..there was dessert after dinner tonight and so i had dinner and whatnot and two pieces of chocolate cake and once again felt like throwing up..trying hard not to..still feel like throwing up and it sucks...i want to cut..i just want to do anything that hurts right this minute..so instead im trying hard to just be busy..i got my computer to hook into the wireless connection at camp and im writing here and half chatting..but its not really helping..i feel miserable..