empty

im feeling really empty right now...granny died last night and i was told about it today because i was stupid and didnt ahve my phone on me last night...its a good thing i was off today or else i would have left for my hike tomorrow and not known about it...i would have felt really guilty for not being at home when i was neeeded..no i dont want to go and when i finally talked to mommy about it she just told me what i needed to wear and that i better look decent..so ok fine whatever..i talked to arron and was given time off to be at home and i just have to come back when i can and its looking like ill miss the entire last part of this session at camp..im feeling guilty for missing the hike with my group when i know we have a hard group of kids..im worried about mommy and how she is not that she would even tell me..but ill worry i was worried this morning when i kept calling all her phones and she didnt pick up..henry told me..im just out of it right now..came back home after going and talking to aaron and just kinda shut down i guess and went to sleep...i hate just being here and waiting and doing nothing..i cant gohome until friday because i have to wait to get paid..and then i have to go and then i have to stay and help henry bring his stuff back...i refuse to ask mommy for money for the trip and im hoping that if im at home then maybe ill get to work a little bit for some extra money when im not needed by mommy to stay home...i already know ill be expected to clean and everything..i have to drive back to talisman tonight and get more stuff that i wasnt thinking about earlier and left..i dont want to see my kids at all right now..but i did let my coconselors know what was wrong and that i would be back..i dont know what to do with myself..im just waiting for now...