freaking out

ive finally decided that im leaving at 5 tomorrow morning so that ill have plenty of time to make it home...but right now all i want to do is sit down and cry and not even really cry..more like sit down and cut but im half trying to keep a handle on that..not has hard as i could be but im trying..i gues it doesnt count if ive picked at all of my bug bites on my arms and legs to get them to bleed..same thing but a different way..so im just sitting here putting off everything i need to do and just getting more upset by the minute for not doing anything but still not doing anything..i dont know..i suddenly really dont want to go home at all..i found out i wont be babysitting at all because they are going out of town and im like are you serious that was my one way to get out of being at home..and i cant really afford to go but it has to be done and ill have to worry about bills and everything later..but still all of it is crowding in on me..i know ill go home and mommy will see all the new scars on my legs..i forgot about the new cut scars on my ankle.that stand out horribly..not to mention all the various bug bites covering my leg..or the fact that im going home and getting stuck and being around all these ppl i dont know or dont remember..i dont want to go to the funeral or do anything with it..i know ill get home and be expedcted to help out..nia is having health problems again and is in and out of the hospital for tests..henry is going back to school next week and i have to help him bring his stuff back..i dont know if im getting paid for my time off..i dont know ..i dont know how anything is going to work out and i hate that..sudddenly im back to just wanting to run away again..hide out and just disappear for a while..i dont want to have to deal with anything..i guess if i bothered to read back i could figure out the last time i was feeling so suicidal..and its the stupidest thing i guess..i hate how much money has to rule everything and no matter how hard i seem to try i cant do anything right it seems..i do everything im supposed to and its just not enough..nothing is ever enough..im such a baby who really cares whether or not im spending money to buy things i need or just using it all to pay bills and hope no one notices what im doing..gotta love how easy it is to completely rule out needing food..im horrible and thats about all..