so the staff hike is over now and ive completely another 23 mile hike and yes it was hard but not nearly as hard as last years..maybe becasue i knew more of what to expect and could still recognize parts of the trail and it wasnt all surprising and unexpected...but good grief i had forgotten how stressful and draining that hike is..physically and emotionally...almost cried once on the second day and then i was moved up to the front...yes im slow but then they all said i was able to set a great pace when i was in the front..and so i hiked the front most of yesterday and part of today and right now i just dont want to walk anywhere my legs are so so so sore and its a pain in the butt ...not mpving makes me feel so stiff and then i have to walk somewhere or get up and it hurts a lot ..so im hoping ill be feeling a bit less sore after a good nights sleep..for some reason i dont know why i cant sleep good outside but i really cant...i just get nervous or something and then i cant sleep and keep waking up...not for me at all i guess and maybe its just because i cant get comfortable..maybe i just need to wait until i have a better sleeping bag and everything but ill have to see..i got to play bad camper for like the whole hike at various times throughout each day and that was really fun but i was so still the fairly easy camper to get redirected..the others cursed up a storm and i did feel bad for the staff that had to deal with them and it did suck at times but they all handled it and got through it and we all finihsed the hike and i really was proud of everyone else but still wasnt proud of myself..everytime we had to do the proud, positive and learned thing i worked really hard to come up with group ones because it was easier and made more sense and i didnt see why it good at all to say i proud of myself when i wasnt..i hated that i still suck at hiking and its like yea i finished but i should have tried harder and worked more and its like ok you hiked 23 miles with everyone else and worked really hard and its still just not good enough at all and that really does suck in so many ways .. i can so be proud for someone else..anyone else and i cant be proud of myslf but i did the same thing as everyone else so what makes me so different? i should have done more..and i guess its not fair that im compeltely set in thinking that..no matter how much positive stuff i hear i will always have everything in my head to make sure i dont forget im a dork and stupid and all this other stuff...so yea it sucks...so besides having fun playing bad camper..it was the usual mindless hiking...on the second day i really wanted to just give up and quit and almost started crying for lack of anything else to do in the middle of the hike...the other days it just hurt horrible but i had to keep going..funny i was thinking today while hiking and listening to everyone checking on the ppl needing the extra encouragement and its like hmm slighty jealous..ok really jealous...and eventually i really did get around to thinking about why it was i was so jealous over something so simple..i really didnt have anything to do but think because i didnt want to talk ..i noticed i get really quiet when hiking and its because if i dont focus ill stop and yea i wouldnt to stop but i couldnt stop...but anyway hmm its like the ppl who got the extra encouragement just flat out asked for help..and no matter how much i hated hiking i didnt complain and i kept saying i was fine..i needed the extra encouragement and hated that i couldnt ask for it and everyone else just made it seem so easy..i suck..i really really do..i dont get how it is that some ppl can be so open about there lives and problems and just talk and talk and talk and get advice and feedback and everything and i cant...i want to sometimes but i cant..its miserable and no matter how many times i try to talk myself into asking for help i cant..like i was with tim while he was talking to yvonne about you know getting support and everythign and im sitting there listening but focused on something else and he got around to saying that you should be able to get support at talisman because you know your working there and you were hired because they wanted you..nothing to do with me but its just i wonder what it takes to be fired..i dont want to be fired but i cant get around thinking i would be..ive been told to many times that i will be fired for cutting..and you can look at my arms and legs and still see new scars..its cant really be lied away if i just sit there and say ive stopped when i know i havent..its not fair to them to do that...honesty works good for a lot of things and by not telling them im lying arent i? i guard my secrets as much as i can and when i have to share i really cant....so yea thats what i thought this morning during hiking..
other stuff doing the hike..given it was another 23 mile hike..even though i did it 3 times last summer its still a killer hike..but 23 miles is 23 miles and even with all that the whole thing in general was fairly fun..i watched some of the staff go skinny dipping and it was just holy cow look away..and i did..i worked really hard to look in the other direction! and of course one of the other staff not in the waterfall took there clothes and threw them on another rock and so they all had to get out of the water naked and i was standing by some of the clothes and tim asked me to hand him his and i wouldnt..just to be difficult :) and he said he would get down and give me a hug and i should have believed him and half did and i took off down the rock and he chased me until i had to stop and he gave me a hug and he was naked lol and they got a picture..and then they tried to go skinnydipping off the rope swing and there was like a church group with little kids camped right by the lake and itw as like umm nope no skinnydipping now..we stayed up late talking and friendly picking on each other..we played never have i ever one night in the middle of the parking lot near one of our campsites..and we looked at stars and had a belly drum circle...i saw another shooting star and that was cool..i slept with tim again lol..and stayed on my own blue thing this time! didnt see any bears but so almost walked over a snake! and heather almost dropped her pack on a copperhead..lots of snakes this trip! and i saw one in the water :) we stopped at various waterfalls and got to play in the water some with clothes on..and getting to soak my feet in freezing cold water when i didnt want to hike anymore really did help a lot...so it was cool..and i do like the two other girls i found out im working with..so im excited about the kids coming..im actually going to be with the younger boys and that i like a lot..im slightly worried because i do know some of the kids that are coming back but i know we will be fine..and i really do love working with arron and matt..they are so cool although i am sad im not working with yvonne..but there two more sessions and those havent been picked yet..so it will be fine and fun and another great summer and thats about all
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