...well i leave for the hike on wed and im really dreading it because of our kids..i worry if we will be able to do it in the four days with the kids we have...will they even be able to get along good enough TO hike for four days without crying or arguing..its just so annoying i guess...its hard being around then right now knowing how horrible they are are acting and it was bad enough yesterday that the manager and asst manager and director had to come to our group have have a talk about why it was inappropriate to talk about sex..it was really disappointing though and i cant believe that its a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds were talking about sex and the whole situation just really suckcs...we have the worst group on campus..and yep it just really bites...ive been called mean everyday since they got here..im the one that a couple just swears they hates me andi hate them..and its like fine call me what you like because i dont care but it still hurts..ended up crying a few days ago because it was beyond some of them just saying they hate me..they were positive they could get me in trouble with linda or aaron and i wanted to laugh at them it was so absurd but i couldnt believe them..and they are just positive im worried about getting in trouble and its like give me a break ive done nothing wrong at all..and its not my fault you dont like being told what to do and im not going anywhere...so i was crying and completely walked away from my group after telling clare i needed a break..and started crying and couldnt stop for a while..it was just build up of everything and it sucked..my feelings are hurt every day by some of the kids and then patched up by some of the kids..its so confusing i guess..quinn came and talked to me for a while and just kinda let me know my kids were brats and that im doing fine and etc etc..and then i left to take a break and she laid into my kids about how my feelings were hurt and that they shouldnt be saying those things..and im glad she did but it seems that no matter how much we talk ad talk and talk some of our kids just arent getting it..so yea the knowledge about how awful are group iis well kinda is common knowledge...one kids keeps running away and its somehow my fault so he says because im always picking on me..and he even got his say with aaron about me and i still wasnt in trouble...stupid kid..hmm maybe not stupid but just thoughtless...ive already told them i was here last summer and i was here inbetween to and i still have a job so i guess im doing something right...even mattt told me that you know linda and aaron would stick up for me in situations like this...im not worriedabout losing my job because ive done nothing wrong but its annoying thinkings i have to defend myself to a 9 year old...so work is just really a huge ball of stress right now and we really never get a break except on days off...and thats still only once a week...ugh but it hasnt gotten to the point of me questioning why im still here..but i talked it over yesterday with the same kids kinda nad its like why in the world do you think i would take a job were im around a bunch of kids that say they hate me when i can go home and be with the kids who really want me? its so simple but so incredibly hard to answer i guess..why is it that i stay here knowing i will get kids that say im horrible and they hate me when im not doing anything but my job? i know im not mean but i was told yesterday but one of the kids that im strict and thats a good thing..me strict ?! lol..fine i can handle being strict but im not mean to a bunch of kids who are only here for 3 freaking weeks..give me a break..and ive talked it over with the other two counselors i work with and they say im not mean and they do the same things i do but its me thats called out for being mean..so stupid...so rant aside what fun has been going on? we went rock climbing on sunday and i actually gave in and climbed again..and it was so hard but not as hard as the first time and i almost made it all the way to the top until i thought my legs would give out and i asked to be let back down lol..but i was a little bit proud of doing it of my own conviction i guess..and we went to the tower and i got to belay again which rocked...i cant wait for the rafting trip..bad kids or not that is still the best part of the whole summer and i get to go two more times! not to mention i get to work with the younger kids again next session..i asked for working with them specfically for one of the returning kids and ill have him...it will be hard but i cant wait! and after that i dont care which group i get..i dont hate my job or anything..whats a job without a challenge right? but im worrying about when i have to go home and if ill be able to stay here or if i should go ahead and go back to school now? i dont know..my rent is going up ...i have some bill issues i wasnt expecting and it just goes beyond sucking really...but mommy said she will have to start paying for the car payments and ill have to do the loan repayment and the other bills instead...i cant do all of it and i cant keep asking her to borrow so much money to pay my bills! i have a job and i still have to ask for money to pay bills ugh..its miserable and not much fun at all..but hopefully soon it will all even out and ill know what i need to do...so i cant decide what it is i have to do or should do..yes i want to go to grad school but i dont want to go home..i cant afford to live anywhere else...maybe i can talk to nia about getting a two bedroom apt..but i dont know about that either..yea it would work out if i had a car and we both had jobs ..and it would be half rent and stuff...and it would be easier and i would still have the freedom of being back but not at home home maybe? but i like my freedom too..i so no i still cant decide..but i guess ill have to figure out something soon..and for all of it i dont have to go back to school now anyway..im hoping for a raise in aug/sept...maybe if i dont stay with talisman for the semester i can stay in sc and just find a job here and make more money...i love talisman but i dont want to work for jon without some changes..just cant happen..i dont want to be stuck in a job where im not respected when i dont have to stay there..so maybe ill do that for a while and see what happens..but still ive given myself until dec and i will..and after that ill just have to see what i want to do..i may move apartments because of the rent going up with each renewal and that really bites!
so on to other non complaining stuff...no idea how long its been since ive cut or purged but ive been picking at my fingers and bug bites horribly..my arms and legs are a horrible mess of scars and bug bites that ive scratched and had to put bandaids on..sometimes i think i cant stop because i sit there and pick and pick and im not satisfied until they are bleeding ..and then i have the nerve to tell my kids to stop scratching or they will have to wear gloves..i tell them i had to wear gloves last summer and i did..still think a lot about purging though and i wanted to cut the night i was crying but talked instaed a little bit..but even all that aside im worried about yvonne alot..ive learned a lot about her in the past f ew weeks and its like for as much as im deathly quiet about my personal life she is the oppisite and is completely talkative about everything that is bothering her..a lot of ppl know about whats going on in her life maybe not all of it but enough to know whts bothering her..and i watch her and wonder why it is she has no problem sharing and i cant make myself say anything..but i know all of it already and im worried about how depressed and sad she is..she told me she wasnt suicidal but im still worried..for as unalike we are we are more alike than i would ever let on..and its more of we are alike in thoughts not behaviors i guess..because she talked to me about not wanting to be here anymore and feeling so sad and unwanted and its like shes saying what i think all the time..but thats the one big difference..shes saying it and im not..she will ask for help and i would rather die than let anyone know im having a hard time..and i dont know how to make it better because there is only so much i can do about her personal life..its not mine and i cant go in and make it better for her..or stop her from doing anything..so im just lost..i have to be ok to help her and thats that...so yea same old same old i guess
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