keywest...trip...and lots of other stuff..lots!

Wow there is really so much to talk about and I have no idea where in the world to start anymore… we are back from the last trip of the semester and it rocked so much..i had so much fun and kinda became introduced into a whole nother world I really didn’t take much notice of…but I also want to write because I don’t want to forget anything that happened…im so worried ill just wake up one day and wont be able to remember any of it…so I guess ill start off with the basics of the trip..the trip was actually pretty good overall..there were blowups as usual and one of the boys was caught trying to sneak into the girls bathroom and he is just in a lot of trouble lately because of his obsession…he isnt taking the help we are offering him and instead he is just falling farther into heading to jail because of it and its hard watching him because I know how hard it is to be forced into agreeing to give up something and in a way that is what we are doing with him..we are offering help but the message is still the same..you need to stop, you need to ask for help..i had a talk with him one night about how the decision has to be his and he cant just say what we want to hear and that being forced does nothing to help the real problem…he blew me off as usual but I told him..so anyway we started off in the everglades and it was really cool driving through the first time..its like a huge swamp and holy cow it is hot in fla right now..in the 80s everyday and sunny without a cloud in the sky…we camped out as usual and went hiking to look for flamingos..it was a long and drawn out hike in a way but it was really only about 5 miles and we got to hike through like 6 inches of water for a good part of the trail..when we first started it was just like ok stay in the grass and don’t walk in the water but then we got to a part where you had no choice but to walk right down the middle of the trail and that meant walking through the water and oh my gosh it was so gross lol..me still being the person who tries hard to not get completely dirty had some issues with hiking through water that high and of course im freaked because we are in the everglades and I had no idea what might be in the water sleeping/living/hiding…but I did it and after a while it wasn’t so bad anymore ..it was more fun than not because I was stomping through the water and it actually felt fairly good because the water was cool and it was so hot..then we run into the mud that’s not really mud and its so slippery ..i slipped and slide down the trail for a couple miles but it felt like forever..my shoes just did not that part at all and I was going so very slow because I was afraid of falling down and I ended up in the back with andy and we were going slow and falling behind more a lot and when we got to the end of the trail it was like we walked right into the sucking mud and andy doesn’t even weigh 90 pds shes so small but not eating disorder small shes just small..and she just walked right into the middle of it and I was following her but a bit slower and she just went down and couldn’t get back out..i was closer to the edge and was getting stuck but not as bad as she was..she fell and then I fell and almost lost my shoe to trying to pull my legs out of the muck and of course we are both screaming for jim to come back and help..i fished andys shoe out of the mud and when jim and the others came they of course laughed and took pictures of andys little problem! Given it was incredibly funny and we were all so dirty by then! But of course we saw no flamingos  and I really wanted to see one close up! But we did see a baby rattlesnake..almost walked on it..we saw tons of different types of birds and lizards, and we saw a turtle on the trail…and it was rather cool…we stayed in the everglades for a couple days and then left to go to the keys..oh my gosh I want to go back to the keys so so so much..i keep thinking about everything that happened and I know without being and working here I never would have even considered going to the keys for a vacation at all..it was so pretty out there..water and water and beaches and bridges…its like seeing different shades of blue in every direction because of the water…at my favorite campsite we camped on the beach literally we were on the beach..it was walk around the gate behind the campsite and there is the water!! It was the prettiest place I have ever been in my life..waking up and just stepping out of the tent and seeing the sun rising over the water is breathtaking..the water sparkles and it was so pretty and relaxing…I missed that place once we left to go to a different campsite…being away from the beach made me feel incredibly claustraphobic for the end of the trip..i just kept wanting to see water and I couldn’t anymore..jon completely spoiled us with the beach site..i could have stayed there for the full two weeks with no complaints at all and we couldn’t…but at the beach campsite I was first introduced to key west..talk about naïve on my part! Holy cow my age really came through and it was funny kinda be cause yes im old enough to drink and really that is what you do in key west but we went barhopping all afternoon the first day we were there…happy hour is until like 8 at night and its always happy hour somewhere..the people we met were so nice and always asked where we were from and why we were in key west.. and it was always funny watching the expressions when we are like oh this is a work trip but we are off today lol! So the first afternoon in key west jim took me to the gay community center ..we found it accidentally but they had internet so I couldn’t complain and I was on my best behavior :P I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary for me and paid attention to what jim was asking since we were asking for a good place to have lunch..and when we left jim told me I had done a good job controlling myself while they were talking about the food..and I was trying hard not to make faces at the menus we were shown…suddenly on this trip my food issues become more known than ever before…jim told me I could have worked his program over the summer if I didn’t have so many food problems..and for him my problems is just I wont eat a lot of stuff and nothing about not eating or throwing up..but suddenly I was just pushed into im sorry I don’t know why im so afraid of trying things Im positive I don’t like ..but I wouldn’t be a good role model at all when we will get kids who are like me and wont eat a lot of stuff..i don’t need to be in that program doing that when we are trying to teach the kids to try new things…and it hurts knowing that once again my food problems is getting the way and as much as I hate admitting it I have too…but anyway …we found happy hour and just drank and drank and drank..and like 5 margaritas later im drunk and we have found anna and she starts drinking too and so the three of us are just sitting in the bar talking and laughing and drinking..the bill is huge but it was cool..we left there and walked around a little but and ended up in another bar and drank some more…that day I did lose count of what I had but I wasn’t sick..anna got sick and passed out in my car…but me and jim went back to the bars and I was seriously holding on to keep from falling over! While anna was still functioning we counted steps to get to dunkin donuts like seriously walking down the street counting steps out loud! We ended up in an outside garden type bar and drank and met some people ..gay guys since we were in the gay bar…I met my first drag queen that night ..she was getting dressed and I was walking by her and just barely got that she was a drag queen but I said hi and walked on ..later that night I went to one drag show and then we walked around and I went to another one and saw the same drag queen again..by now im like beyond drunk and it was like hey I know you I saw you earlier and she said hi to me and that she recongized me…and we went home at some point after the show was over….the next day off we went back to key west again and ended up in the same bars again except this time I was actually looking for the same drag queen I met yesterday and it was early in the afternoon and of course we started drinking again..stupid happy hours! But we ended up back in the same bars again and just talking and wandering around ..we saw some of the same people and talked with them at the bar for a while..and we even had the same bartender again at the poolside bar and he of course remembered us..seriously sometimes it does look like jim and me are a couple or something and good grief we can get some looks when we are out together! But anyway the bartender remembered us and started feeding me ice like every chance he got! Thanks to jim forever asking for cups of ice for me the day before because I refused to drink water I would only eat the ice …and I have no idea the names of many drinks and so I kept asking him to just make me something blue which he did without to many problems…jim was getting hit on big time by some guy and I was there but not there at the same time because I was the girl in the gay bar and not that it mattered much but I wasn’t even bothered by it that much because I didn’t assume I would be hit on at all…and given I did kiss a couple guys they were gay..ive never been called cute so many times in my life! The drag queens got into the habit of calling me honey and grabbing my boobs but that comes later, even some of the gay men I met called me honey in the bar and asking if I was ok because one night I swear I was going to fall asleep in the chair….so anyway im drunk again and the bartender completely pours ice down my shirt twice and I poured ice down his pants…jim jumped into the pool completely naked and then him and another guy pushed me into the pool completely dressed and I walked around the bar dripping wet for the rest of the night…and before we left that night we ran into the drag queens from the other night and jim of course mentioned I wanted pictures with them and I did but I would have never asked! Instead I begged him to find them for me  so they took pictures with me and ivana (the coolest name ever lol) who was quickly becoming my favorite completely grabbed my boobs before I even realized she had and of course jim got a picture…after that we left and they were all saying that the drag queen had so gotten to second base with me and I was shocked but it was still fun…ok next two times off in key west it was just me and jim …drinking and hanging out in bars and shopping and walking around looking at things…but we eventually ended up in the same bars with the same crowds…everyday I think I was drunk before 5 and then the rest of the night just flew by…the drag queens were started to recognize me…I went to the drag shows and the guy hitting on jim showed up a couple new bars and kept telling me jim was hot and cute and it was like ewww gross …but I kept going to the drag shows and I was completely captivated to put it simply..i couldn’t figure it out and then of course jealously set in for how unfair it was that guys could dress up as girls and be so freaking hot and have great bodies….but whatever I kept going to just watch and listen to the songs…jim kept an eye on me but still went off and did his own thing too when he wanted too..he said stay put and I stayed put lol..im so childish drunk and seriously work on simple commands like stop or no…I did it big time with yvonne the few times I was drunk at home with her…so I found out through jim that there was a part of the gay bars that girls were not allowed in and he said he was on the bar naked serving drinks and stuff…I would never have guessed and being there would have embarrased me horribly but jim really did work hard to protect me from the big deal stuff…he wouldn’t leave me without knowing I was ok..the night he stayed in town with someone he met he introduced me to him and we talked and had drinks and jim asked a million times if I was ok and that he wouldn’t leave me to go home if I wasn’t…I wasn’t great and still a bit drunk but I told him I was ok and that he could stay and I meant that at least because I would have felt so so guilty if jim had come back to the campsite with me when he was offered a place to stay with the guy he had met…so I made it home and it was such a long drive and oh so boring! But before I left I was just sitting in the bar and watching the bartender and they kept asking if I was ok and some of the bartenders asked if he knew me and I couldn’t place his face at all..come to find out it was the drag queen I was so in love with..am in love with…but he gave me a free drink and of course by then I was ordering long island ice teas after I remembered they were almost completely alcohol! By then I was sick to death of margaritas and learning some new drinks…I actually tried a yager bomb..it’s a shot..vodka and redbull…kinda sweet but drinkable…and that night jim made it a point to start pushing me on stage to give tips to the drag queens and with giving tips you have to go on stage and stick it in there clothes..i didn’t resist much but I did some and it was just like holy cow im putting money in a drag queens bra!! And I did it at least 5 times before the night was over..inbetween shows jim told one of the drag queens me name and that it was my first time here and that I was a virgin and I freaked and ran around the bar and the drag queen chased me around the bar until I gave in and went up on stage to take pictures ..after that night more than the other nights the other drag queens started talking to me out of drag…I learned what all of them looked like and they all knew me..and I was sitting in the bar after the second show just waiting for jim I sucked up the courage to ask my fav drag queen to wear her wig and she let me! It was long and curly and brown and I was so proud of myself for asking and completely loved the wig and hung out in the bar for a while waiting for jim…downstairs in the other part of the bar I was drinking water trying hard to sober up before going home and one of the other drag queens asked about the wig and we traded wigs for a while .. and gosh the one she wore was incredibly heavy! But it was still cool..welp after that a while later jim showed up and he was with another guy and we ended up going back to the guys house…I slept on the couch and loved getting to watch tv..he had a cat and I just fell asleep..i was tucked in by jims date and he told me I was cute and that jim was a really good friend because he said jim had told him again and again that he couldn’t leave me..so they came back and got me even though jim was drunk out of his mind he remembered me..he remembered to come and get me …the house was really nice and the guy was really nice also..he was sweet and completely undemanding towards me…the next day we were still in key west and I was feeling completely sick from drinking so much the night before..jim made me eat food and once again I ordered a meal I couldn’t finish..jim ate most of my food again..he has been doing that a lot lately …so we hung out in key west for the last night of our trip…drinking once again and shopping…lots of drinking…that night I had every intention of getting drunk as quick as possible and I was..i was almost sick drunk…but I handled it for a while..eventually I got around to making myself throw up alcohol and stopped drinking but I was so drunk by 10 it was kinda useless..throwing up helped but it was really gross…so I went to another drag show and before it started we took pictures downstairs and jim got more pictures of drag queens grabbing my boobs…and kissing my cheeks and forehead…it still shocked me but it was more than that too because the drag queen I liked would come off the stage during the shows and somehow she zeroed in on me and grabbed my boobs more often than I could count! And I was starting to like it..maybe be cause I wasn’t so scared anymore maybe I was just to drunk to care but either way I didn’t want it to stop..of course after that I was confused because it was a drag queen that was touching me but she was still a guy underneath..gay but still a guy and I was worried because maybe I was liking it more than I should have..i still think about all of and miss it so so much..but anyway back to the other stuff…hmm I knocked over tables that night..i wasn’t even drinking anymore..still drunk but not horribly anymore and I completely fell it was so embarrasing and the bartender and one of the drag queens that knew me came over and helped me..i said sorry so many times and the bartender knew I wasn’t drinking! It was such a weird minute when I fell..they told me later that night that the carpet is really easy to trip over and its just weird because I have no idea how it happened..but I was fine and not hurt or anything at all..so after that I stayed put in a chair until the end of the show and I was ok…after the show I asked ivana for another one of her wigs and she said she would see me downstairs…I left to go and get something to eat because I really was drinking on an practically empty stomach…so I went and ate leftovers and somehow missed jim coming to look for me..so I went back to the bar and just kinda watched people coming and going and its after midnight and I just kinda find ivana again and practically stare at her without saying anything..after I had been there for a good while I started playing the computer games with some of the drag queens and a couple other random people and it was fun and kept me busy because I was still waiting for jim and didn’t know he had already come looking for me…and by now I had mardi gras type beads ..tons of them and everyone kept asking what I had done to get so many..and I know that for the beads you have to like flash people and whatnot to get them..but I didn’t and one of the drag queens had just given them all to me! but and then I was just hanging around trying to get sober and actually half drinking water and minding my own business and this lady asks about my beads and we start talking..i find out that she just got married like 4 days ago and she was from Colorado and I met her husband too and I told them about why we were there and holy cow they were like embarrassing but in a good way because they kept saying what I good and nice person I am for working with the kids and how I was beautiful and had good karma and that they were so happy to meet me and they just kept going on and on and on and I tried really hard to just say thanks and everything without adding anything to it. And then I was talking to her husband about being in the gay bars and it being my first time and meeting the drag queens and we actually had a pretty good convo..he asked how I was handling it and why it didn’t bother me..and I just told him I would hate to be judged for things I did so it would be pretty stupid to turn around and judge someone else for something they like doing …besides they are comfortable why should I be bothered?! So we talked for a bit and they met a couple of the drag queens before they left and its like oh 3 in the morning or so and jim reappears and he told me he had fallen asleep in a different bar because he had been looking for me and couldn’t find me…and we were just sitting in the bar talking and I asked if he was ready to go and he said whenever I was and I was just sitting there completely staring at ivana once again and wanting her wig or one of them..and I thought about it f or a good while and I went and hugged her and told her we were leaving the next day and wouldn’t be back for a few months…and I little while after that I just turned back around and asked if I could have one of her wigs…seriously I was thinking she would just say no and leave it at that but she thought about it and then got up and told me to come with her..she took me into the bathroom and just pulled off both of her wigs and started fixing one of them and im standing there awestruck out of my mind watching her…and she just comes over and starts putting one on me and shes telling me that she does appreciate that ive been there like almost everynight and was nice and that she knew it was my first time ..and I was just thrilled and completely happy ..and not even bothered that she has me in the bathroom in a bar and is just fixing my hair…she tells me to stay put and goes and gets porsche to come and fix my bangs …and they both tell me it looks really nice on me and im hanging out of the door telling jim to come here and see..of course now jim loves telling everyone I was in the bathroom with two drag queens! ..and when they are done im walking around the bar and ivana is showing me how to handle the hair and im constantly looking in the mirror..and I make three bucks which she put down my shirt dancing and whatnot around the bar…when I can finally control myself again she asks when we are coming back and I say she wont even remember me if I did and she tells me that she will if I wear the wig..she gave me her email and myspace stuff and told me to keep in touch and that she wanted a postcard from me..and thinking about all of it now makes me really sad…hmm we didn’t get home until like 6 ish and we were heading home that day..i just took a shower and tried not to stop moving because I would fall asleep…on the drive that day I was so hungover but still a bit drunk too because I wasn’t able to sleep it off considering I was up all night..it was still in my system and then me being the bright one I am wasn’t eating because I didn’t feel good and that made it worse..and the whole day when I wasn’t trying to sleep or trying to not throw up I missed key west…it hurt missing them all so much..all I wanted to do was go back and keep hanging out and maybe not drink so much…it was like a weeks worth of partying while we were there…and I wanted it back so much..i wanted to stay but I couldn’t live there..the hurricanes would scare me to much..all the water and no really safe place to go would drive me up the wall and I wouldn’t be able to handle it at all..but I considered it..i wanted to stay and it was miserable missing them so much…I kept thinking how weird it was that someone I barely knew could get stuck in my head and refuse to get out..even now almost 5 days later I still miss her..i miss all of them..i miss being able to spend my day doing nothing but drinking and talking…people I don’t know who just liked me and let me do things ive never ever done before…and then theres jim who still takes care of me even when he is drunk out of his head…once again how do I end up having people who will take c are of me now and not as a kid…how come it has to be now when I have such a hard time accepting it and swearing up and down I don’t deserve it…my favorite quote I saw while in keywest –if your drinking to forget, please pay in advance- I thought it was fitting in a huge way and I really thought I was the only one who would drink to forget…but if I saw that in a bar then im not the only one…but I did..i drank until I stopped thinking about everything that made me worry..i drank until I stopped caring what I did or what would happen..and one day I really really wanted to get drunk and couldn’t get past the just happy feeling for a while and it upset me..i was ready to cry because I couldn’t get the completely gone feeling I wanted and I just kept drinking and drinking and I knew what I was doing and I knew what I was trying to get and I don’t understand why it made me so mad when I couldn’t have it…given I have made up for months of not drinking, not partying and not going out in 5 days….and im not upset about it at all because it was too much fun and I remember all of it for now…I don’t forget or pass out when I drink but it also doesn’t take much to get me drunk…4ish margaritas and im done..if we had stopped after that many I prolly would have just stayed tipsy but like 7 or 8 drinks later I can barely walk down the street and even then I was holding on to jim or anna to keep from falling over the first day…id say long island ice teas are my favorite drink considering they are just flat out alcohol and I keep forgetting that…oh and I called yvonne and nia bunches of times while drunk..but I always call yvonne when im drunk for some reason..and I just called nia to talk about nothing and I called taly who I havent talked to in forever…no idea why I like making calls drunk…it did suck that we didn’t get to see sheena or tim or rachel while we were near miami and we didn’t get to go because plans just kept having to change…so next time we will have to plan it in advance so we really can go….jumping subjects a bit…I worked the day we took the kids on the glass bottom boat tour and I was so excited..i looked forward to it for the whole trip..i really wanted to see the fish and coral and we went out to the ocean and stopped above a coral reef and I thought I would be fine..i didn’t think or even consider that I would get seasick…but once the boat started moving I started to feel sick..when we sped up I felt worse…and when he were stopping and the boat just kept going up and down and up and down I thought I was going to throw up…I stayed outside for almost the entire trip and missed the whole thing because I was standing outside holding on to the railing for my life because I was afraid of falling off or being sick in the middle of the ocean…ive never been so miserable and all I wanted was for the trip to be over and done with and it took forever…I never ever ever want to do that again..i don’t want to be on a boat at all I don’t want to look at boats..i didn’t know that once your seasick you will always get seasick ..its been a couple years since we took the last cruise and I was sick..and now I don’t think I can be on a moving boat without getting/feeling sick  but overall I think the kids had a really good time..they went on a canoe trip and snorkeling and fishing and swimming bunches of times in the ocean..they even went to keywest a couple times and they saw jim, anna, and me once when we were completely drunk but we behaved when we were around then although everything was a lot funnier than normal…I think we were very good about keeping the time in key west separate from work minus the hungover days lol..i showed up when I was supposed to and so did jim except once and that was a huge mix up..but we showed up…hmm the other thing ive somehow decided in the past few days while we were gone is that its time for me to go back to therapy..if nothing else its because im confused about everything lately…being with all the drag queens and liking them so much threw me and now im more confused because if it counts that they were girls then im a lesbian and if it doesn’t then I don’t know because the guys were gay and therefore not interested in me…prolly why I was so comfortable with them….the night I played with the bartender and kept stealing his ice because I was standing right where he was making all the drink orders and he would make cups of ice and leave to do something else and so I kept taking the cups and hiding them..he would come back and look at me like ok where did they go…but he went with it and let me play and keep the cups…I was the notorious ice eater they all knew it and I hated that jim knew enough to make sure that even if I kept drinking I would get around to eating the cups of ice he kept asking for…it was so annoying though when he tried to stop me from drinking and told the bartenders I only wanted ice..given I really did want the ice but I didn’t want it to be a huge deal or anything…ok back to the other thing though…I did take my journal one of them anyway on the trip and I think I did a fairly decent job writing in it and keeping track of our adventures…but that doesn’t really help anymore…if I don’t talk I think my head will explode…writing gives me a break but im not figuring out anything ..and on the trip I had my razors but didn’t use them even though I wanted to..i wanted to throw up food on more than one occasion but didn’t…I wasn’t eating and then drinking on an empty stomach…I did make myself throw up alcohol but that was because I was really close to being sick anyway and I just helped it a bit…but it was on purpose all the same…and I have a million bug bites that I have scratched and scratched until my arms and legs are covered in new scars…im going home next week and im covered in scars..mommy is going to be pissed..mommy wont leave me alone about it and ill just turn around and keep scratching…my arms look horrible..more horrible than usual and im worried ill be in trouble…so much for being an adult right…I told jim mommy was going to kill me for my arms and now when he sees me scratching he tells me to stop and that im going home…more often that not I have at least 4 or more bleeding at anytime during the day…nervous picking again…I scratch now because I know most of them are scars and scratching makes them bleed…but im not cutting…it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that I have a goal with scratching…im not scared anymore about therapy..i almost want to go but im not I want to talk about cutting at all or purging for that matter..oh and one of the days we were in key west I wore a shirt..i love the shirt and I love how its made but the cut is all wrong for my scars…it pulls up on the arms and its not like the sleeves are long anyway but given enough time they go up enough so that my scars are visible…I was with jim that day and I was constantly pulling at my sleeves but he never said anything about them..he didn’t ask I would almost believe he didn’t except that would be stupid because I know he did..he was just nice enough to not ask how I got them…no one has asked how I got the ones on my longer arm..my wrist is still a bit scarred and its been seen but still no one asks..its like I can believe they aren’t there…im safe but that’s stupid to think that because I know they are noticed but no one asks..no one ever asks  so anyway it was a great trip..and I cant wait until we go back! Things are really back to usual at camp..the kids are back to the same old usual behviors and being brats ..we had a cake/whipped cream fight one night and it was so much fun..they got me good and it was all jims fault but I really don’t mind being dirty at the oddest times…im a good sport and its not a big deal lol..even adam had fun and kept stealing the whipped cream off of me and putting it back on me in a new spot..i got him a couple times with handprints of whipped cream on his face..i will miss him..i will miss some of them when they go home..i will miss all of them…it was really hard yesterday missing graham so much…I was looking at old pictures of him and even with all of his faults graham was a lot of fun…when he was ok he was fun..ill never forget the day it was just me, hiim and jim and we went to dinner and to the store..and how we played video games at the laundrymat and went to the pet store and played with the animals…it was such a fun day..and I hope that he is doing well in his other program I really do..i want him to come back but not until he can handle it..i cant handle him like he was again..its to stressful and tiring..still I do miss him..the group is a lot different without him..all the random fun is gone..all the loudness and annoying stuff has lessened but now they are almost I don’t know just different. Oh well I think ive rambled enough!