back to work

i cant believe jon...i really really cant...how he can let jim take the blame for somehting that was my fault and just say that he isnt going to be working there next semester..it sucks and its not fair and i just cant believe he would be that low..as in all of this could have been brought up before i left town and they didnt do it..i was in the office that morning before i left wasting time and no one said anything to me about any of it..and then once im gone i get a call from jim telling me what happened and its like you have got to be kidding me..i was there and no one said anything at all and once im gone suddenly jim is in trouble for everything...its not fair how politics can rule people and how money is really all that matters in the end..they would let the one kid come back because its more money and i refuse to work with him now...more so im more resolved than ever for next semester to be my last one...i love the program but im not thrilled with its management..maybe next semester will be different and things will run smoothly..i dont know but ill see...maybe ill get a nice enough raise to stick it out for longer i dont know..i feel kinda bad though leaving a job after only a year and its not because i was fired or anything...maybe ill even come back after i finish grad school because i can go to a different state and still work within aspen if i wanted...i could come back to the same program but i dont think i would do that with a masters...i dont really know what i want to do but ill have to figure it out by dec...because then ill have to start making choices about what if im moving and where ill be going...it sucks knowing i wont be working with jim though..it sucks knowing they could let him go so easily and he was by far the strongest..he loves this and hes good at it and jon is going to be childish and say he cant work with him ..after what jon did to us im not thrilled about working for him either..but still i said i would be there for the fall and i will..after that its all up in the air..hmm all the major work stuff aside..im going to get yvonne on wed im almost positive...and i told jim we are going back to key west in dec and he was perfectly ok about it!! which rocks..he said he is considering going down there after the summer and i told him to go ahead and do that so if i came to visit i would have a place to stay..and i completely meant that..even if he doesnt im considering the park we were at that i liked so much..camping out is a lot cheaper than a hotel and we dont need anything but a tent lol..im not picky..so ill have to start working on that right after the summer is over..figuring out dates and everything..and who is going..i asked yvonne and she said she would think about it ..who else would i want to go to keywest with to party for a week before christmas...i would so love to be there for new years but thats would be major crowded and im still antsy around to many ppl at once...hmm so lots to do..i know have a couple things im saving up for...1) trip to key west 2) money to buy my butterfly thingy from key west....the second one will take much longer to save up for since it was like 400 bucks and i have like 0 but ill get it eventually...i dont think ive ever wanted something so much before..but i stood in that store and stared at it for as long as i could get away with and was completely heartbroken when i found out how much it was but good grief i want it all the same...and im once again wanting to go to bed but im not tired...i cant go to sleep at 4 in the morning again..i dont know whats making me so nervous but im getting anxious again..i can feel it in my shlouders all the time today...i dont get how it just comes and goes but its painful ..i was good today..no purging..but i do really need to start getting stuff together for camp and packing up clothes and my sleeping bag and all that good stuff...i finally emailed a couple of my teachers with questions about grad school and unfourtunately ill have to take the GRE or the MAT ugh..which means ill have to study and hope i dont fail it!! which ever i decide to try for...which also means ill be doing the most stupidest thing of my life and going home in dec...i really cant see no way around it and i dont know how ill manage at all..i dont even want to think about it..4 days made me more suicidal than ive been in a long time and its just been downhill ever since..the more i think about it the more worried i am..the more i think about just dropping everything and applying now for grad school the more i know i cant do it..hello logic to my head going back to school now would just be asking to fail every thing..not because i couldnt do the work but because i couldnt handle doing the work...it took all of my energy to get through my bsw in one piece and that was with therapy..im not entirely sure my teachers would be thrilled to find out ive stopped therapy once again..and i know its a stupid excuse saying no one made me go but that was a huge part of it for a while...i do enjoy not having to answer to anyone about what ive been doing to myself but i just know if the people who already know really knew then they would be incredibly disappointed and upset because im not doing what i should be to keep myself safer...and that does stop me sometimes but not all the time..and im a prol at talking myself into something if i want it enough! but i have to talk myself out of going back to key west right this minute..funny jim told me tonight that he was pretty sure i wouldnt be forgotten with the ppl i meant in key west..and i hope hes right in the worst way but at the same time i wonder how it is i loved being there and the attention ..even being pushed on stage ..ok forcibly helped on stage with jim standing right behind me so i wouldnt back out to put money down someones dress...drunk or not i enjoyed it oh i was beyond drunk most nights but whatever and then i get back here and its like ok back to my usual behaviors..weird...hmm beth hart is my newest favorite singer ..she is right up there with tori amos and tracy chapman now..its really random that i find a cd i can listen to completely and like every song there is on it..but with the leave the light on cd i love all the songs..i can relate to all of them a bit more than i like and maybe thats why i like them so much..i try hard not to push my music on other ppl but for now that cd is staying in my car and to bad if you dont like it...im missing one of her cds from like 96 that i really want to get and i really want to Sia cd...Breathe Me is another of my current favorite songs because it makes sense to me..yvonne told me im one of the few ppl who still actually listens to the words in songs ... and i do ...ok i guess im off to figure out to force myself into going to sleep..its going to be a miserable day tomorrow if i cant sleep tonight..i only got 5 hours last night.. and ill need more than that if i expect to be in the office all day tomorrow...hmm yep back to the real world