and so the summer starts

i have been stuck in the office for the past week doing staff and kids paperwork..and given ive gotten good at it i really dont like doing it..its sooooooooo boring and time consuming and linda just wont let me even talk her into letting me out of the office..but at the same time i have them all telling me thanks like a million times a day and telling me how wonderful i am and how much they appreciate what im doing and they know it sucks big time but im sitcking it out..and to make it much better i have made it so i can stay in the office for a couple days next week...its not that im being antisocial and refusing to socialize with all the new ppl..i just dont like being around all the new ppl because i get to antsy and then i dont talk anyway and im not even trying at all to really meet anyone because im way to scared and worried about how everyone sees me ..and its not like im new and dont know what im doing but i dont count as admin either..im just somewhere in the middle and i do all the admin stuff without being admin lol...i know how to get into everything and its weird being trusted so much and still only being a counselor..but i wouldnt want to be admin either because i hate being stuck in the office all day answering phones and talking to upset parents..i dont answer the phones now and id rather that didnt change..so anyway..tons of new ppl around and good grief we have a young group this year..i feel out of place kinda but at the same time its like i know what im geting into and i feel really bad for the ppl who dont know why they are here ... being told we are working with kids who just try your patience was putting it really quite nicely ... and its like oh no they dont ..they will push every button you never even knew you had...but then its like ok the stories i have to tell them they wouldnt believe at all..no one would really think kids would go as far as they can really go..but anyway the summer is really getting started now and its going to be busy..we have more sessions and more kids and just lots of constant activity! ... and im a spazz and being way quieter than usual .. but on a good note yvonne is here now and i think it is going to be fun this summer too...its cool that she is here and everyone likes her..and we have talked a lot about what to expect and she heard all of my summer stories when i got back last summer..and saw all the pictures and she still came ..so i guess it will work out...shes dealing with a lot of stuff though..so hopefully it will be a good summer for her too...dusti is fine and of course controlling the apartment..completely weird that i left snikkers at home and was completely upset about it when i figured it out last night..because i had packed her and then took her out to show yvonne and forgot to put her back and it wasnt cool that i forgot her...and ok this is going to stop making much sense right about now...i forgot all of my books and my notebook and my coloring books and the usual stuff i need to keep busy when im nervous..so stupid of me and i cant believe i forgot everything..well i can because i was throwing stuff into a bag at 8 in the morning after driving all night the night before and it was really hard trying to make sure i had what i needed and still forgot most of it..not really supposed to be home tonight but am ..and spending the night even..but leaving early enough to be back in plenty of time tomorrow..trying really hard to just eat and be ok for now..not binge eat either but reg eating and not stress..and of course that means no throwing up..and no cutting and no anything..just be ok and let it go..kinda sucks being back to wearing my wrist band to hide the new scars on my wrist ..sucks to be me..im nervous about my arms a lot now..all my scars and i try really hard to not let it show but its there...no one asks but i wonder who notices...the night before i went to get yvonne i was a mess to put it nicely..freaking out about everything and nothing at the same time..felt way to much alone, invisible, mad, sad, everything that i was thinking and couldnt make go away killed me...and then i felt so guilty for being a dork and freaking without really understanding why..and no way of figuring out how to help myself...finally gave in and chatted with someone for a while until i was to tired to think of anything else..and that took most of the night and i was up past 1 in the morning again..sleep eludes me these days...i cant figure anything out at all..but im still me and as much as i hate admitting it i cant seem to change much at all..i am pulling stuff out for camp that i need to take and i found the stuff jenny sent me and her letter and her cd..i found my pictures and the cards from my teacher..i found all of it and it made me want to cry because i dont know how to be ok with who i am but there are other ppl who can see what i cant and it sucks ..jenny told me i need to be nicer to myself or else.. i ahve someone constantly telling me that they will help but i have to let them know when i need it..i dont know how to ask for help..and when i finally gave in the other night i was beyond suicidal ...i was beyond anything i guess and its hard pulling myself back from all of that..going to work is a distraction but still there is free time to stop and think and wonder what in the world im doing and why..and still cant figure out a way to make it better..i was fine or i thought i was and it sucks that it still really takes almost nothing to push me back into no mans land of nothingness...pathetic i guess...why do i have to be so mixed up...lately im back to feeling like a horrible person because i cant bring myself to tell anyone the truth about anything..i dont know what linda would do but im almost positive i wouldnt lose my job..she would give me choices though..i wonder what all of the office ppl would do ..would it matter or would things change ? would they all ask me constantly if im ok or would i even tell all of them..i really think its only fair linda knows because anything can happen and i know that..i try hard not to cut or purge while working but i have done it..and i wouldnt want anything to happen and have someone else be blamed for something ive done and didnt bother cluing anyone else in on...im worried horrribly about it and im not sure ill ever even go through with it but i think its only fair...i feel horrible because it seems like i dont trust yvonne and i do but i dont know..i cant explain why or even how its all supposed to work out but i want to tell her...i want to and i cant..i always stop myself..i always find a way to get out of talking about it..i showed yvonne one of my paintings tonight and asked what she thought of it and good grief it read into it well..too well and then i refused to explain the picture at all .i didnt think it would be read so easily when i cant even explain it..but not being able to ecxplain it isnt the same thing as not knowing what its about..i dont know how it came to be like that or why but i have it and i cant do anything with it because it scares me..who knew i would be able to actually paint how it really is and that asomeone else could read it so easily..its sucks and i feel really stupid for doing that..im horrible..but no one seems to be able to see it but me...as much as i want to tell yvonne everything im not sure i can..i dont know if ill ever be able to do it...i hate that it seems like i dont trust her but when i was talking about it earlier today that all it comes down too..trust is a very touchy subject and its like ok she trusts me to tell me all this stuff and i cant tell her anything..yep im horrible