im really tired but im almost finished my test..so im guessing thats a good thing..i did part of it last night and im finishing the rest now before class ..i really hate that i work so well under pressure..it drives me insane...i swear i wont get it done and then i manage somehow to really get it done and turn it in on time...i really dont know how i do it since im working on my test and writing here and listening to music and reading...im not even supposed to be multitasking..and im not supposed to be self critical either..well work on it at least..and that is really hard since i mean everything i call myself..and i can be really mean at times..but anyway..i ha ve a headache and i cant eat anything until later on sometime...sometimes i just want to scream at yvonne that im not the most put together person..im not calm or collected, everything bothers me...i cant look in the mirror without wanting to throw something at it...depending on the week i could have a bunch of cuts in various places on my body but not to many people would think to question why im not carrying my books in my bookbag or why im wearing my jacket when its so hot outside or why im limping... it wouldnt be there business but no one asks...right now im not even liking that i come across that way...its just that it bothers me that no one thinks nothing bothers me when everything bothers me...i mean geez i cut/burn/purge so something is wrong but no one knows...i dont even want anyone to know but the fact that no one notices hurts my feelings..not that i can jhust out of the blue say im having a bad day or something..i can handle controlling what im feeling..im freakishly good at it..maybe to good...i dont want to be so put together but i cant be anything else either...i have to make it to thursday and i dont know if i will..im not even sure ill make it to tomorrow..i talked to my mom this morning and she as usual went and cleaned my room..and she found gauze or something and it wouldnt have been so bad but i had used it sometime and i dont even remember doing it since i started burning when i was home to stop from having to use anything but anyway she found it and asked me about it and i of course lied my butt off about stopping and how it had been a couple years and blah blah blah now i know when i go home ill be checked out for new scars...im trying not to cry..and i do feel some bad for lying about it but i refuse to have her put me in the hospital when im not even trying to out right kill myself...trying to calm down so i can finish my work..
and if this is a rant of a sane person ! i would really like to see a insane persons rant
1 comment:
well, you would never beleive me, but that is the rant of a VERY SANE person.... but remember this... it is tiring, everyone thinking you are happy, never worried, functional.. but honey, how are they suppose to know how you feel, when you never express it.. the outside world must automatically assume that you are fine and dandy, cuz you do not state otherwise.... EXPRESS yourself.. but do it with discretions... we must first to learn to express ourselves to those that are genuine.... Arron, yvonne, her family.. this janet friend, others from the room...and teachers...
Never share with those that have alternitive motives... that is the mistake in the past.. but you have a handful of trustworthy, non judgemental, genuinely good ppl out there that you can lean on... JUST TAKE THE RISK...
I understand your frustration right now... but i fear that your frustration will continue to build and your stamina decreased if you continue to search for love and acceptace from the wrong ppl...
I am sorry that your "mother" is the person she is, I am sorry that your "mother" acts the way she does..but no where is it written that you must allow your "family" to drag you down for their own amusement or their own trasgressions...
but sometimes i also think that you wish your mother would look for the scars, you wish your mother to make a big deal out of it, because than you know that she will at least give you some attention... it is not worth it...
sweety, you dont have a "mommy"... you have a person that was trusted with your care, and abused that, and continues to abuse the privalage of being called your mother... a mother does not bind, a mother does not disgrace, a mother does not belittle, and a mother does not harm either mentally or physically...
You are loved... I hope you can feel it from someone outside of your family.... sometimes family can only be found outside of the comforts of your surroundings...
take care , be well... remember you are someone ment to be here, and will and are doing good things...
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