writing just to write

my head is really starting to get me sidetracked...i dont like when i starting getting lost in my head..its like going back in time and still not getting anywhere..i got back monday..i didnt cut at all mainly because i was at home and mainly because if i had started i wouldnt have stopped...but being back at school the rules change and i can cut if i want to and i can hide it..the problem isnt not wanting to cut becuase i want to more than anything else right now..the problem is where i want to cut and well if ill be able to stop..so im not cutting..im not doing anything..trying my hardest to make sure im not feeling anything either..im driving myself crazy trying to stay busy..im to nervous to sit still for long...classes are just chances for me to zone out completely until its time to go..but ive been going to class..theres not enough time to get away with skipping classes without having major problems gradewise...

yvonne thinks i take life to seriously..i am always telling her not to do stuff so i guess maybe i do..we went out to lunch yesterday after i talked her into going to the bank with me..it was fun..

ive been trying to write this and i keep forgetting what im trying to say...

i wore white today to remind myself i cant cut..stupid but it works for now..i keep thinking im gonna end up in the hospital if i cut..im avoiding my teacher because i dont feel like talking...i know she wont let me get away with not talking to her for to long but for the rest of this week i can..no class again until monday..she wants to talk more indepth about my family paper and i said i would because i just couldnt let her make a copy of it...so ill have to talk to her eventually...but for now im not talking to anyone..outside of the reg boring everyday stuff

but hmm ive started writing again..poetry that is and i managed to get two started in two days while not paying attention in english class..i like them both and im thinking of showing one to arran just to see what she says about it..but i still have a lot of work to do one both of them to figure out what im trying to say..i havnt managed to get time to paint though...i spend to much time sleeping..i go to bed earlier and earlier, pretty soon i iwll be back to getting close to 10 hours of sleep a night and still waking up tired..but at least im not having creepy dreams..i keep forgetting to ask arran about one of my dreams..i should write it down so i dont forget..i forget a lot of stuff..i should write more things down..and i want to take a nap..back and forth between suicide and well no suicide..i think ill just go home after work..i was going to stay on campus but i dont feel like it anymore..