....just stuff

made it through the night without cutting ...127 days without cutting..lil over 4 months..hard to believe..really really hard to believe..well the suicidal feelings rent a good trade off for not cutting but still...feeling really sad today though..just kinda dejected about everything .. struggling to stay focused on what i need to do and get done by friday and mommy isnt making it any easier on me..so i think tonight ill be focusing on moving rooms and getting that all done and taken care of..tomorrow will be packing since i actually did laundry last night and that makes it easier to pack..and then making sure dusti is taken care of and christmas shopping tomorrow too..and then therapy again on friday after work..and last minute stuff friday night to stay awake until time to leave..and then endless hours on the road..not looking forward to sitting still for that long and im sure after the first few hours ill be wanting to get out of the car and never drive anywhere ever again..but bringing all my usual distraction stuff to kinda help with the restlessness and then the anixety about being somewhere new...cas even though i know her grandparents wouldnt hurt me or do anything to me im still scared of being there..and not really knowing the area or what to expect..i think the not knowing is bothering me most of all right now..

still thinking lots about therapy yesterday and im afraid because im actually starting to talk to her..and yea she still has to ask a lot of questions and nope i dont make it easy on her at all but all that aside i actually told her i was worried about leaving and not seeing her next week..and even went and asked her if she wanted to come along with yvonne and i..couldnt believe i actually asked that..couldnt believe i had even told her some of what was really bothering me..and then of course i told her about the suicide stuff not working and how i was still trying to think of another plan of sorts..and its like i wasnt supposed to do that..talking about how much i want to die just isnt supposed to happen because thats the last bit of control i have in a way..if no one knows then obviously i cant be stopped..and i guess i dont want to be stopped but then i went and told her because im not even sure i want to die..and none of it makes sense and im worried about all of it..shes worried because im so hopeless and think that im just not going to be fixed..and if she cant help then i dont know what my options become because at that point..if it gets to that point im sure i wont like or want those options...in some ways im still controlling the thoughts..ive promised to call her if i had to and i will..i have..but still the fear of doing something without getting intouch with her or not being ablee to wait..or even just thinking i need to do it scares me enough to tell her and tell all of it..
but im ok i guess..no worse than usual after making it through yesterday

really upset

was earlier and i guess that kind of explains it all in a nut shell. :(

but it took what 5 or so hours before the big feelings hit i guess...im afraid.im scared..i want to cry..i want to cut..i really want to cut.. i want to comforted..i want a hug to be touched ..loved..wanted..but my aversion to being touched gets in the way..i just want to know that im ok..that things will be ok..i want someone to rub my back..acknowledge me existence..calm my fears..i dont even know where the fears are coming from..im afraid of everything today..im scared to leave even though i want to go out of town..im afraid to tell my therapist how bad the thoughts are getting how constant..i tried today and hated admitting that i was even still suicidal..that one plan didnt work..cant work now and so im ready to think up another plan..that should worry me and it doesnt..i was more worried about telling t and having her worry about me..everything is bothering me right now..but being scared and wanting to cut to calm the need to cry is taking over my head...ive written..ive watched cartoons..ive wasted time..and still all i want to to just lay down and cry forever..and i dont know why

mommy came home in a bad bad mood...lots of yelling and stuff...made feelings of wanting to cut much stronger..want to cut so very much

thinking

i keep thinking that there has to be more to life .. that there is something that i am missing..and i think that because of talking about boundaries lately with linda i know what it is...im still trying so hard to protect myself to live and not live at the same time..i dont allow any one to know me..i dont talk to anyone..i live at home and some days its like i dont know they people i live with..i dont see the world completely i guess..its all overshadowed in a way..covered by something but im not sure what it is..my comfort zone is so solid and unforgiving..nothing can come in or out without me knowing about it indepth before i ever agree to do it..or allow it in..and then i miss out on all the little things..i miss out on remembering all the little things..and that makes me so sad..and feel hopeless

but there are ppl who havent given up on me..i have to remember that
its just hard sometimes
to keep going
to not give up

im ashamed of myself..for looking for the pills..for wanting them..for being willing to just steal them and have them..and keep them...but what good would it do because once i have them then it would be oh so easy to take them all..but i dont have them..they are all gone..they are not there anymore..and that upsets me..i wanted them..i needed them..i looked for them..if i found them i would have taken them..and now that plan wont work anymore..and im at a loss for what i want to do now...i didnt realize it would disappoint me this much..i didnt realize how much i needed them to move on with the so called plan..even though i told linda i would call her if what i was thinking got anymore detailed..she trusts me to call her if my plan becomes something more than just a plan and im upset that i actually considered not doing it..the thoughts are still there and that bothers me..but now also im worried because its like plan 1 didnt work so now i just need to stay calm and focused and come up with something else..like nothing is going to take my attention away from what i want which is dying and im not even sure i really want that..i just think i do..i just think it will be the way to fix all of this..to make it all go away..to make it all better..when thats not true..i know its not..but i cant seem to not think it..ive spent the past couple days waiting it out..trying hard not to react to thoughts that run through my head..serious problems with calming myself down when i realized how bad at times my thoughts were..but i havent acted on them..only considered strongly for a bit friday..but somehow made it through that too..but the sadness is ever present..and im afraid its only going to get worse..4 months with no cutting and now all i think about is suicide..not really a good trade off :(

weekend stuff

went to yvonnes graduation yesterday..sad that she graduated..proud that she graduated..but now she is moving in a couple weeks once we are back from her grandparents..and thats making me really sad...among other things..jealous too..because her family came for her graduation and all watched her walk across the stage..and when i graduated no one was there to see me walk across the stage..mommy and r sister came to the real big school wide graduation..and that should count i guess..but just sad remembering that no one was there to see the big moment..to busy to take off the weekend to do all my graduation stuff...but am sure when henry graduates she will be there for it all.. and then ended up staying last night cas it got late and i freaked because i couldnt find my bank card..and then found it but ended up just staying cas coming home last night was causing a lot of unrest and anxiety...but home now..

need to go and get some cold meds..coughing and generally not feeling so great the past couple days and cough is getting worse..and trying hard not to show that around mommy..cas that would be an i told you so conversation that im just not up for at all..and i dont want to hear again how i dont have insurance..

got a really nice phone call today..i think because it was completely unexpected that it came today makes it better..but it was from the dad of my client that moved over the summer..he called to let me know how everyone was doing and told me that my client missed me and remembered me..said he would email me pictures and told me he wanted to stay in touch a bit more.. :rb i still miss that particular client and his family and i am so glad that his dad called and let me know what was going on and how he has been doing and that he wants to stay in touch. he thanked me again for how well i worked with his son..and i havent seen them in months! and he thanked me! it was nice you know..it came at a time where i really needed it too..and for that i am incredibly thankful that i even picked up the phone..

talked...

dont really like my doc knowing that im suicidal again..or that a plan is forming..yea not good..

also dont like being told that things will most likely get worse before they get better...yea not cool..and im not sure things can get any worse ..without me dying and well she is trying not to let that happen..

....

no things will not be like this forever..it just cant be..i dont want it to be..have actually been using a couple of message boards to kinda talk and get feedback on different things, different issues...because i have such a problem calling any of it abuse..still kinda tip toeing around that whole thing..but linda calls it what it is and i think that makes me feel really nervous..and scared..but the message boards have been really helpful lately..and im glad im actually starting to write and use them for support..and listening..and in general goofing off some days..

today sadness won out..and right now im feeling incredibly sad but i dont know why..im just sad, disappointed..scared..i dont know..not even at home right this minute..yvonne came and we went out for a bit..and now im at her place cas she asked me if i would go to a party thing with her tomorrow..for her graduation stuff..cas she graduates on friday! and i am proud of her..and im happy she asked and no i dont do great with parties and stuff but its an ease on the anxiety knowing im going with her at least..and then ill be coming back on thursday night so ill be here for her graduation..and then home..and then the week after that it will be packing to go out of town and that is scary all by its self..

lots of thinking

yesterday for the first time in therapy i actually talked and stayed present enough to talk about what we were well talking about. i worked very hard at it..and kept talking with a lot of prompting and her asking questions..but managed to maybe even fill up like 20 mins all by myself..wow ! picked a hell of a topic to want to talk about but got through it sorta..

talked about lots of different things dealing with mommy and that maybe things werent my fault...and boundaries and eye contact..all of which im still thinking about a lot..my doc asked me to draw what my boundaries look like talked about boundaries a little bit in t today and she asked that i draw what my boundaries are. In terms of you and the rest of the world. What does it look like. She asked this and i immediately thought well duh brick wall, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. But thinking about it now thats not really how it is. I think its more of like the windows in the police station when you cant see out but someone can see inside, except im the one looking out and no one can see inside. That way im closed off but can still allow a relationship to form with someone else, no it wont be an incredibly close one but it can still be formed and i can still protect myself very heavily. she just asked the question in a really interesting way..because once she asked me to draw it my lovely imagaination just went into overdrive and it makes it a little easier to look at something but its not flat..or just words..because obviously my head doesnt work like that..and in a way i can see it once i start describing it and thinking about it..

i have a lot of trouble with eye contact, its more noticeable around adults but just in general i am really bad about making and keeping eye contact. its hard for me. i get nervous and scared and just cant seem to look at the other person. i guess its a lot worse with the t because its just me and her in the room and lal of her attention is on me and i dont like that and because of what we talk about i get even more nervous and scared...and ashamed..and just cant bring myself to look at her...but we were talking about it yesterday some or she was and i was listening and she mentiioned that she thought it was because i was afraid of people..that being afraid could be a part of why i have such a hard time looking at someone else..and i wanted to deny it and i think i did a little bit but now ive been thinking abuot it more and it does make sense. but i hate that it does becuase i spend a lot of time around people you know, i work one on one with people and their families, im around people but yet im completely alone at the same time. working one on one with clients stops me from having to interact as much, especially with my nonverbal clients. i go home where 3 other people live and still manage to exisist only in my world where im safe and alone and its quiet. i have such a hard time talking and interacting with other people, and not beingable to keep eye contact does make it worse. group things makes me panic, talking to someone i dont know just doesnt happen. i have no idea how ive managed to keep the few friends i do have because i cant seem to hold a complete conversation a lot of the time. I had never called it being afraid though but maybe thats what it is..

she did a lot of reassuring to yesterday..because i swear i start shutting down after a while and getting really scared about talking to her..and just talking about stuff..

its just weird that now im struggling to talk about it all almost as much as i struggle to not talk about it..theres still a huge sense of wrongness to it all..so many questions and no answers..lots of fear..

lots of thoughts in my head...

quote

"Life can only be understood backwards
It must be lived facing forward "

hmmm

keep wanting to write..but dont know what to say

im not liking this week much because theres no therapy cas its a holiday..and i dont even like therapy so it bothers me that i get this upset when i cant go..

guess thats all for now

things are changing...

i just want to scream im so frustrated right now...with work stuff..it shouldnt take 2 and a half hours to get dressed and shower..it shouldnt and im so upset with my cl...i really really am..and she just isnt getting it and its all just frustrating and hard today

lots of worrying going on today..

showed t my journal yesterday..thought i was going to die..waiting for her to read it..but she did and now she knows a bit more .. and im not sure what i think about that..it makes me nervous..but i did it..and they are moving offices..and im not going at all next week cas of the holiday..so worried about that too..and hoping ill be ok..

restless night last night. couldnt sleep, didnt want to sleep, i dont know which one it really was but was up until after 2. started to feel really closed in and trapped and something was bothering me but i didnt know what it was. it was hard to put a finger on and ended up going and sitting outside for an hour at 1 in the morning. i couldnt feel my fingers anymore by the time i came back inside but just sat outside and wrote and i was even afraid of writing last night. i think a lot of it was just fear about everything that is going on, trying to write to let t know what is going on becuase im really doubting the ability to say it. maybe if she knows it will be easier, maybe it wont be, maybe ill still go and sit and stare at the floor for an hour for the next month and it wont matter what she does or doesnt know. but she keeps telling me she wants me to be comfortable and feel safe and i just dont know what to tell her to make it better. and then its just harder because i get stuck an stop listening and stop thinking about what shes asking me. i cant answer her if im not even paying attention anymore. i dont know is my default answer to everything she asks. i dont really remember what i wrote about last night but it took an awful long time to write it. but i think it was important at the same time. i think it may have been something about refusing to accept things, and not being ok.

maybe im not as ok as i think i am, since t the other day the sadness is the most overwhelming thing. last night it was a little more than sadness because i just stood and looked at all of mommys meds from her surgerys and wanted to just take the vailum. and yea that prompted the sitting outside and writing instead of staying inside. rather freeze than take the pills, and it wouldnt have been an overdose or anything because well there were only 2 pills in the bottle but thats because every so often ill go and take one for the hell of it and just sleep the day away. but today its just back to the neverending sadness. but im at work and well yea thats all i can account for is that im at work..

more issues with the bank this morning and my lack of paying attention at times, and wanting stuff i dont need and cant afford is starting to become a bigger issue. i hate the overdraft fees and it really doesnt matter if its accidental or not that just me losing money. and my next paycheck is beyond depressing and just lots of worries about money again. i hate money.

no..the world hasnt ended just yet

this has been a semi hard weekend..it was a hard week..but just being stuck at home with no distractions is the hard thing..no babysitting just kinda traps me in the house and i cant really get/find the motivation to go anywhere..so ive been home today and yesterday and both days mommy just wouldnt let up and leave me alone..im trying so hard to deal with it and let it go and ignore it and its not that easy :(..but trying and not cutting is something i guess...3 months last week with no cutting..hard to believe because i think ive gone past the longest ive ever done..i dont think ive ever made it more than 3 months before..the urge to cut is lessening a bit and i am glad for that..i really am because i still feel so guilty for wanting it..its confusing..and friday was so weird but in a good way because by the time i got home i was feeling ok..no worries..no fears..no anxiety or anything..my head was empty but not in a bad way or anything..it was nice to just feel ok and be ok and not worried..and its been up and down since then but no huge issues...just small ones ...and chatting last night did help calm my nerves alot..

but with that not worrying i had lots of fre time to think about so many different things..and i watched this movie that was really good but one of the arguments that they had in the movie was how the kid was so worried about hurting his mom that he was going to end upp giving up his dream..and he talked about how he didnt want to look back on his life in regret and i wondered if that is what im doing..but ive thoguht about it and no i dont regret my life..yea there are things/mistakes i wish i hadnt done but i dont think i would go back and change my life..even in all its suckiness i think i owuld keep my life..so no not regret but i kinda view my life iwth a whole lot of sadness..i wish i had stuck up for myself more..i wish i had said what i thought, found out what it is i liked in life...and its like i have to do it now but now there so much other stuff to work through to figure out who i am and what i want..but thats the key isnt it ? figuring out, knowing what i want and being able to be confident in it..i havent figured that out yet..seems so simple...you know..knowing what you want ..and just going for out..but trying to find it is so hard..because it should be there and it most likely is but getting to it is a whole nother story..

and then i started to wonder if im doing the right thing..if working on all this stuff is a good idea..will it make a difference? is it worth it?

but yea thats what ive been thinking about this weekend..

and hmm actually started talking with t last week...thought i was going to die ..seriously i was fidgeting all over the place..i couldnt focus..and it was really upsetting talking and trying so hard to get words out..but i did for a bit and then as usual i got to a certain point and just couldnt get anything else out..and then she took over and started talking and reassuring..and it helped but i dont think anything can make the fear go away...and she told me before i left that i didnt need to go and punish myself for talking..that i didnt need to go and cut or think about dying..that it was ok..which shocked me into thinking about something else completely..because i do think that underneath it all i think i was thinking that on some level..that i was bad and had to be punished..that i had to cut because thats the only thing that would help..that would make it better...and i was soo scared and upset when i left..just about everything.and i was worried i would go and do something stupid..or that i wouldnt be safe with myself ..and i havent cut..i didnt do anything..yea it helped that i had to go to a work thing after i left her..cas good grief it got me completely sidetracked..i had to talk and interact and i wasnt just stuck in my head..and i did feel more settled at least by the time i left and went home..still a bit on edge..but was a lot better..and so in one sense ive been alot better..headwise this weekend than ive been in such a long time..so maybe thats a good thing..i dont know..i wonder if i talking really was the deciding factor ..like make it or break it..and it is so hard to deal with ..talk or not talk..and i talked and well i didnt die in the process..but i dont know still...still really worried about it..

but gotta go and get dressed..cas going to dinner with mommy and her friend and im not to interested in going but need to get out of the house..so guess ill go and sit in silence for a couple hours..

....

worried about t tomorrow...worried that will go to t and it will be another hour of almost complete silence on my part :( its like all this stuff is there to say and cant say it and t is ending up guessing in a way and i cant seem to give a straight answer on anything.. afraid to give her the journal because alot of the writing is turning into this back and forth dialouge and i dont know how to explain it cas it just happens ...and most of what has been writing lately is about cutting or dying...and supposed to be thinking about trust and something else that ive forgotten...and it makes me feel bad because we do trust t..but maybe i dont trust her enough..but how come knowing i trust her isnt enough? she hasnt done or said anything to make me think otherwise...and she isnt pushing the hospital or even meds on me..and heck i even call when things get really bad..and still thats not enough i dont think..but i dont know what is missing or what it is that i need...and she trusts me to stick to my contract and everything and then i do feel bad cas she does all this talking about stuff and im just thinking about ways to get out of the contract or wanting to tell her its not her fault if anything happens..or a constant no to her questions and things she says..and i know that some of it is just automatic responses..and some of it is just refusing to hear what she is saying right then..im just scared that i will go and see her and one of these days she will tell me that she is tired of trying to get it out of me and that i cant be helped or fixed or whatever

thinking..

ive decided ...

no im not going to va with yvonne..to visit yes..to stay and live together again..no not right now.. im just not wanting to live with someone else again .. i miss having my own place, i miss my space to do whatever i want..

if i move now..i want to go back to asheville..i really do..but im not actively looking for a job up there either..because yes i want to move but i dont really have to move that far away..and if i move ill stop therapy and now prolly isnt the best time for that. so i will keep looking for a job around here but i am going to wait until after dec to start more indepth again...just right now isnt the best time to add on more stress ... it will just make me more stressed out and i cant deal with any more stress right now..

i want to go back to grad school..but i want to give it another year at least..maybe two before i tackle that issue..but i do want to go..i will go back to school. i dont know what i want to do just yet but i am going to go back.

im not going to be at home for christmas .. im going with yvonne to her grandparents..and i let mommy know today the dates and everything and so she knows i wont be here..and she is ok with it..for now anyway..shes ok with it..and so thats one less thing for me to worry about..i am a bit worried about going and being ok..but ill try to save that until we actually leave and go there..this will be the first time ive ever not been at home for christmas..its odd..and does make me nervous..and because of going out of town..i know now isnt the time to get hooked into a new job either and then take off for a week...im ok with waiting ..until after the holidays..maybe it will help take off some of the stress..but if i wait then i know i have got to catch up on paperwork stuff...

but i will make a goal so that i dont forget..that by feb i want another job..i will have my 2 years experience...maybe ill be ok with moving possibly farther away from my therapist now and being ok with starting over..but for now ill just have to deal with being at home and just keep going to therapy..and hoping that ill let her help me..

i really hope ill let her help me

i wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

--

i got this in an email yesterday and i have read it countless times since then..it makes me think i guess..because yes i always want more..i always want what i dont have, what i cant have..but im not fine with what i do have..i ignore what i have in hopes of getting more, im hopes of getting something better..and that is not fair at all..because then i end up ignoring all the people that do care about me, i miss out on a lot of the fun, happy things i do because im always so intent on planning for whats happening next..for wanting so much more..and i understand its fine to want more..to want the best..but not at the cost of forgetting what it is you do have..and i think ive gotten so caught up in wanting to get better..to be better..to be like everyone else that i just dont pay attention to who i am..i dont know who i am..who i am has just gotten lost in the shuffle of staying alive and making it through the day..its like i dont have time to be myself because im always trying to be someone else..to live up to someone elses expectations of me..its not fair to me..im missing out on my life..and no this isnt the only reason but it is a big one..because underneath all of this is whether or not i like myself..if i am putting enough time into being ok with who i am..and i know i dont..i dont like myself..i dont like who i am or what i did..im not trying at all to like myself ..im trying a little harder to give myself a break..to not criticize so much..but still no where near being ok with myself or liking myself..and its not fair you know..

but again i know its one of those things that i have to decide..i have to be ok with..and accept and live with..

accept that im not like everyone else..its ok to be sad or happy or hurt or angry without needing to act on the impulses..

its up to me..and i just take a bit longer to figure things out..

what do i wish for myself? what is it that i want to do?

..

whats the right thing to do ?


i dont know

just..i dont know

just keep thinking..im tired .. i dont want to do this anymore.. i dont want any of this anymore..

went to therapy yesterday instead of today..because i actually called and left a message for her..and she let me come yesterday..and we talked about a lot of stuff..

i asked her why she cared..and if she trusted me..

she asked if i trusted her...and i told her i did and i do..but i think all she told me before i left about her caring was what i needed to hear the most..because yes i was thinking..planning on a way to get out of the safety plan thing..and she said she respects that i want to try to work on all of this with out going to the hospital..which calmed my nerves alot..also told her i was really worreid that she would be mad at me..and we talked about that a lot too..she did a lot of reminding me that it was ok to talk to her..ok to be there..that she couldnt tell anyone..outside of the suicidal stuff if i had a plan and hurting someone else..which i do understand..but left her feeling calmer at least..not so great today but will continue to try..

think will be doing a lot of writing today..tomorrow..over the weekend..

writing isnt the same as talking...i can write..its ok to write..its not ok to talk though..its just not..and if i dont tell her she doesnt know what to say to make it better or help me make it better..

lots to think about

-sigh-

just tired
drained

a part of me has just given up completely and i dont know how to get it back..

also talked about me moving to va..with yvonne...something else i think about but am afraid to commit too...cas i think it could be a possibility..but im not sure i want a roommate again..no i wouldnt mind her..but just in general..im not sure i can deal with it...living near her fine..but not together..but just the thought of moving makes me stop breathing..crap today almost lead me to having a panic attack and its been a couple years since ive been that stressed out..ha it was around the time i graduated..and moved..but anyway..i have been thinking about it some...and refusing it just as quickly..im not even sure what my argument is...

:(

today really has been a very not so good day..

most of the day i just fought off crying because things were so overwhelming..

woke up before 5 again..still not used to the time change yet...throwing off my sleep schedule...

today has been one of those days where everything is just going wrong..i keep losing everything..it takes me a million tries to get things out of my car because i cant remember what im supposed to be doing..my computer isnt working right and now i cant even get my work stuff off of it..the usb port isnt working and so it wont read my flash drive or my printer and this morning i figure this out at like 6:30 and its like freaking a this cant be happening..but the one time in weeks i actually try to get my work stuff in on time and some of the late stuff i cant even get my computer to work..and its just frustrating because now its turned into this huge deal and my comp works on wireless but not at home so i cant even stay home and email all my work to myself just to go and hope i can print it all off somewhere..without having to pay for it..and almost was ready to cry because it was so overwhleming..and then i got a message about some bank stuff and that was a loss of a good amount of money cas i wasnt paying good attention to what was in the bank and ..yea its just a crappy crappy day..and the longer it goes on the more i just want to say screw it and go back to bed..

went to t..and really almnost regretting i didnt back out of it..but that would have made me feel even more guilty..talked some about the crappy day..and how everything just isnt working out today..talked some about cutting..managed to confuse the t because i cant completely tell anything all at once and so its like piecing it all together without knowing where the pieces are..like t mentioned last week..but eventually i got around to telling her that umm things werent ok without the cutting..and then it was like shut down time in my head...and i kept thinking that if i said anything else something bad would happen..spent a heck of a lot of time looking at her door...trying not to cry..finally told her that i didnt know what to say cas i was worried she would be mad at me..and then stopped talking completely..listened to her for a bit..and then got to leave..she asked me to think about it more..and that we would talk about it next time..but may not be going on fri if she has to go out of town..and not sure even how i really am..lost in thoughts a million miles away..a lot of fear going around..upset feelings for saying anything..and its like im calling myself a big mouth but darnit but i said for the entire hour wouldnt even add up to like 20 mins :-/ justt feeling really lonely and upset...but once again no clear idea why...