really upset

was earlier and i guess that kind of explains it all in a nut shell. :(

but it took what 5 or so hours before the big feelings hit i guess...im afraid.im scared..i want to cry..i want to cut..i really want to cut.. i want to comforted..i want a hug to be touched ..loved..wanted..but my aversion to being touched gets in the way..i just want to know that im ok..that things will be ok..i want someone to rub my back..acknowledge me existence..calm my fears..i dont even know where the fears are coming from..im afraid of everything today..im scared to leave even though i want to go out of town..im afraid to tell my therapist how bad the thoughts are getting how constant..i tried today and hated admitting that i was even still suicidal..that one plan didnt work..cant work now and so im ready to think up another plan..that should worry me and it doesnt..i was more worried about telling t and having her worry about me..everything is bothering me right now..but being scared and wanting to cut to calm the need to cry is taking over my head...ive written..ive watched cartoons..ive wasted time..and still all i want to to just lay down and cry forever..and i dont know why

mommy came home in a bad bad mood...lots of yelling and stuff...made feelings of wanting to cut much stronger..want to cut so very much