thinking

i keep thinking that there has to be more to life .. that there is something that i am missing..and i think that because of talking about boundaries lately with linda i know what it is...im still trying so hard to protect myself to live and not live at the same time..i dont allow any one to know me..i dont talk to anyone..i live at home and some days its like i dont know they people i live with..i dont see the world completely i guess..its all overshadowed in a way..covered by something but im not sure what it is..my comfort zone is so solid and unforgiving..nothing can come in or out without me knowing about it indepth before i ever agree to do it..or allow it in..and then i miss out on all the little things..i miss out on remembering all the little things..and that makes me so sad..and feel hopeless

but there are ppl who havent given up on me..i have to remember that
its just hard sometimes
to keep going
to not give up

im ashamed of myself..for looking for the pills..for wanting them..for being willing to just steal them and have them..and keep them...but what good would it do because once i have them then it would be oh so easy to take them all..but i dont have them..they are all gone..they are not there anymore..and that upsets me..i wanted them..i needed them..i looked for them..if i found them i would have taken them..and now that plan wont work anymore..and im at a loss for what i want to do now...i didnt realize it would disappoint me this much..i didnt realize how much i needed them to move on with the so called plan..even though i told linda i would call her if what i was thinking got anymore detailed..she trusts me to call her if my plan becomes something more than just a plan and im upset that i actually considered not doing it..the thoughts are still there and that bothers me..but now also im worried because its like plan 1 didnt work so now i just need to stay calm and focused and come up with something else..like nothing is going to take my attention away from what i want which is dying and im not even sure i really want that..i just think i do..i just think it will be the way to fix all of this..to make it all go away..to make it all better..when thats not true..i know its not..but i cant seem to not think it..ive spent the past couple days waiting it out..trying hard not to react to thoughts that run through my head..serious problems with calming myself down when i realized how bad at times my thoughts were..but i havent acted on them..only considered strongly for a bit friday..but somehow made it through that too..but the sadness is ever present..and im afraid its only going to get worse..4 months with no cutting and now all i think about is suicide..not really a good trade off :(