lots of thinking

yesterday for the first time in therapy i actually talked and stayed present enough to talk about what we were well talking about. i worked very hard at it..and kept talking with a lot of prompting and her asking questions..but managed to maybe even fill up like 20 mins all by myself..wow ! picked a hell of a topic to want to talk about but got through it sorta..

talked about lots of different things dealing with mommy and that maybe things werent my fault...and boundaries and eye contact..all of which im still thinking about a lot..my doc asked me to draw what my boundaries look like talked about boundaries a little bit in t today and she asked that i draw what my boundaries are. In terms of you and the rest of the world. What does it look like. She asked this and i immediately thought well duh brick wall, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. But thinking about it now thats not really how it is. I think its more of like the windows in the police station when you cant see out but someone can see inside, except im the one looking out and no one can see inside. That way im closed off but can still allow a relationship to form with someone else, no it wont be an incredibly close one but it can still be formed and i can still protect myself very heavily. she just asked the question in a really interesting way..because once she asked me to draw it my lovely imagaination just went into overdrive and it makes it a little easier to look at something but its not flat..or just words..because obviously my head doesnt work like that..and in a way i can see it once i start describing it and thinking about it..

i have a lot of trouble with eye contact, its more noticeable around adults but just in general i am really bad about making and keeping eye contact. its hard for me. i get nervous and scared and just cant seem to look at the other person. i guess its a lot worse with the t because its just me and her in the room and lal of her attention is on me and i dont like that and because of what we talk about i get even more nervous and scared...and ashamed..and just cant bring myself to look at her...but we were talking about it yesterday some or she was and i was listening and she mentiioned that she thought it was because i was afraid of people..that being afraid could be a part of why i have such a hard time looking at someone else..and i wanted to deny it and i think i did a little bit but now ive been thinking abuot it more and it does make sense. but i hate that it does becuase i spend a lot of time around people you know, i work one on one with people and their families, im around people but yet im completely alone at the same time. working one on one with clients stops me from having to interact as much, especially with my nonverbal clients. i go home where 3 other people live and still manage to exisist only in my world where im safe and alone and its quiet. i have such a hard time talking and interacting with other people, and not beingable to keep eye contact does make it worse. group things makes me panic, talking to someone i dont know just doesnt happen. i have no idea how ive managed to keep the few friends i do have because i cant seem to hold a complete conversation a lot of the time. I had never called it being afraid though but maybe thats what it is..

she did a lot of reassuring to yesterday..because i swear i start shutting down after a while and getting really scared about talking to her..and just talking about stuff..

its just weird that now im struggling to talk about it all almost as much as i struggle to not talk about it..theres still a huge sense of wrongness to it all..so many questions and no answers..lots of fear..

lots of thoughts in my head...