ok well my head is now full of thoughts and wants and worries so im going to try to write a little bit and then get to actually doing some work before i have to leave the office...
ok deep breath and calm down...
im tired..well guess thats the first thing..eh thats nothing new though..im always tired...like i want to go home and go to sleep so bad right now...but well cant cas of work and all that ...blah...
see the doc next week and hoping that she can shed some light on the whole stomach issues that i am having..spending a lot of time in the bathroom again..and i think i would prefer the stupid gallbladder pain to not being able to eat..cas if she tells me to do the whole rice, applesauce, toast or whatever diet ..im gonna scream bloody murder in the doctors office...i would rather just watch what i eat and just deal with it..i dont know...it pisses me off that im getting sick again after eating..and yesterday was pretty bad..and all i had was subway..a sub..turkey and ham and cheese..mustard. let, tomatoes, pickles..salt and pepper...what in that should have made me sick?? but i know my food isnt digesting right..because i am able to identify things after going to the bathroom...and i dont know why that is happening..i dont know why my medicine is coming out again...i dont freaking know why it takes less than an hour for food to go all the way through my body and then decide that it cant handle it and yeah..i end up having issues...its frustrating..because sometimes i can time it ..sometimes i cant..sometimes its fine and nothing happens anyway...and sometimes like yesterday..i end up in pain and end up at home because im hurting...i dont understand...i really really dont..
add in the fact that the meds make me not want to eat and that i am losing weight and its like..fuck me..im not sure i want to lose weight like this..im really not..and at the same time im crazy enough that its like ..yes finally losing weight..finally gonna get everyone off my back...finally doing what everyone wants me to do..and so on and so forth..
i just dont know what ppl want from me anymore...how much changing do i need to do exactly??
and the whole therapy thing...i have to admit i am improving..i am not as depressed..i dont want to die..im not worrying about whether or not i am good enough all the time...no..im ok..most of the time...im managing..im not cutting...eating issues..yeah..but there are different circumstances making that worse...and so i wonder if i do need to be in therapy anymore...i really wonder...i wonder what i want to work on...i wonder what it is that i need to work on..is it past stuff..is it present stuff ?? i really dont know right now...im trying to think about it and im trying to figure it out..and im not pleased that there are two weeks where i wonnt be seeing alice because she is out of town...ugh...but i gotta figure out where i want to go with this...and as much as i dont want too..i think im gonna go ahead and move it to every other week...right now i dont need to see her weekly..and im rellying on her a lot i think..still..although she makes me answer my own questions and what not...but yeah a lot to think about with that in the next couple weeks...off the top of my head..its dealing with the anger....eye contact/fear...gaining self confidence / trust..or continuing that one...ive been with alice a year..and for most of that time i havent cut..ive been suicidal yes..wanted to cut..came very very close to cutting..but didnt in the end..and ive almost reached 7 months without cutting at all...its been a while since ive made it this long...its been forever since i havent relied on it...used it to make me feel better...things really have changed a lot..i mean ..no i still dont have the highest level of like for myself..but im not comtemplating whether or not im going to have to kill myself for messing something up...im beginning to stand up for myself with mommy and not giving in to her and everything that she wants or doesnt want..and not letting her rule everything i do...and im making my own choices..and well mommy is just mommy..she can say what she wants..do what she wants..and try to tell me whatever it is that she wants to tell me...but in the end im still making my own choices...im doing things on my own..without her ..without her input...and that is something that i never really figured would happen...im pulling away from her...i am..and that is what i need to do...i cant change her..but i can change me...and thats the important thing...
annnnnd i want some freaking chicken wings lol..the bbq ones from wing zone...yum yum yummers...maybe tonight for dinner...dont know yet
but ok..calmed down a bit..so back to work...well starting to work... heh
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