sometimes i am left really truly wondering if i am a bad person..if i am really awful and evil and selfish and then get mixed up with trying to figure out what is true and what isnt true..it is confusing to condemn myself and then stop believing it all within the same time frame...
going home is a trigger...actually i think that some how i have managed to trigger myself and i dont exactly know how but mood is taking a big big nose dive and im kinda at a loss for what to do to help..ok not at a lost but i gotta get past the 'i dont care' feelings..and then ill do something..maybe. maybe ill just go to sleep and stop thinking about all of it..there is a lot on my mind right now and i am worrying a lot about things..things i cant control..my head hurts...ive had a headache all day..it stinks...
there is a point to this i think..sometimes i start writing and then forget completely what it is that i was writing about...
sometimes i get caught up in the whole this is what is wrong with me..and i start to list the labels and it is a waste of time..i mean i am who i am ..labels or no labels..and right now i am having a depressing period but it will go away again..just gotta last through it..and if that means laying here and rambling on and on about nothing then so be it...
i think there are things on my mind from going home..and i dont know how to talk about them..i dont know how to deal with the thoughts and so i hide them..hide away from them..but they are still there..they keep overwhelming me at all the wrong times...
the first issue is relating to being adopted..
the second issue is what happened when i was a a teen or something...
the first being a family secret...the 2nd being something that happened that i was blamed heavily for ..because of my age...and i took the blame..i still have the blame..and even now i want to scream my innoence to anyone that will listen..but to get the whole thing out in words is super hard..to acknowledge what it is that i was blamed for..and what i let happen without stopping it..
and im going to stop because i am feeling incredibly angry right now
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