you know i realized today...that the past like year and 8 months that ive been in va is the longest that ive ever lived somewhere on my own...im not counting college..because that was a lot of going back and forth home..and im of course not looking at the times that i moved back home...but really truly this is the longest ive been in one place since i finished college...its a scary thought..i dont know why though..thinking about it does make me feel a little anxious...like ive been in one place to long...and maybe im thinking about it today because i am talking to someone about moving..but yeah i also know that i dont want to go anywhere for another year or so..for now im alright you know..i mean i have consider finding a cheaper apartment..but even that is bothersome and i dont want to pack up what little i have and move again...i really dont...
today i had some issues with controlling my mood/emotions ... i was talking with one of my clients and she brought up something that another client said about me..because they know each other and are neighbors...but she told me that my other client had mentioned my scars and said that she thought i was suicidal..and that she was hurt about not knowing about my family...and i just felt really stupid you know..oh she also mentioned that the babies daddy said he didnt want the baby left with me...really ?!?! me??! what the hell did he think i was going to do to the baby ? i absouletly would never ever hurt a child...NEVER..what the hell is wrong with him? but i heard all of this and felt so hurt..i felt stupid for thinking i had made a friend you know..for thinking that i had someone who truly did like me..and wanted to spend time with me..and maybe it was my fault because i never should have let anything develop outside of the work relationship..she was my client..i worked with her and her family and i should have kept it at that..i shouldnt have gotten so comfortable and feeling like i belonged somewhere..and once again my scars are an issue..and im ashamed..im ashamed of myself..im ashamed of them...im ashamed because some people will never be able to see past the scars...they will never be able to understand the scars..and its like ill always have to hide..ill always have to deal with the looks..the wondering..the questions..the whispers..it makes me feel so very sad...and im upset about it...really upset..but im also trying hard to just let it go...i dont need to dwell on it..i found out about it..and i just have to let it go because its a work related issue that i cant confront or deal with really..so i have to just deal...and not dwell...ill just have to be a bit more careful from now on with all of that..work is for work..clients are not friends...that is that
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