im feeling really conflicted tonight..i know that my thinking right now is really very irrational..but it makes sense to me..why does it make sense if i know it is irrational? why does it have to be tonight that i feel the need to think about control and food and all of that..i know why..im afraid of flying..not in the im afraid of heights sense..no its the stupid seats on the planes that are so small and so close together..and i want to avoid flying but in nov i have to fly..and so i think about it and worry about it ..and get afraid that i will go and like not fit into the seat or something..and that is just really embarrassing to me..well i mean my whole freaking body is an embarrassment to me..but this is a touchy subject that i just never ever talk about with anyone at all..and the fact that ive been thinking about it so very much lately..lets me know that my irrational side is winning out ... im ashamed of my ed behaviors in the past..i want to say im ashamed of them and underneath i am ashamed of them..but i guess i am also a little proud of my knowledge about nutrition..about dieting..about pills and fasting and restricting .. i know it all. i did it all..i used not eating meat twice as a way to not eat..and it worked both times..ive considered doing it a thrid time..and im not sure about it yet..im not sure i will go down that road just yet..my healthy eating can get not so good really really fast..and right now i dont want to eat at all..im fighting the urge to go and weigh myself right now for a c ouple reasons..the first of course being that it is at night and ive already eaten for the day and well duh..not good to weigh at night and so that means ill be weighing in the morning...my second is that i dont want conformation tonight about how screwed up my eating has been lately...and yeah its been a lot worse..but still major bad choices..stupid choices..overeating and binging extreme..ive even been thinking about purging and that is a really really bad idea...it hurts..and even though i can ignore the hurt..im trying really hard not to do it...my thinking is picking away at me..lessening my resolve..making me think that its ok..that i can do it.that i want to do it..and of course that its no ones business what im doing..that it doesnt matter what im doing to my body because no one cares..i cant cut..and things really feel a bit out of control ..and as much as i hate when i feel like this..its driving me to make better choices..like giving up red meat..joining weight watchers..eating more fruit..less fast food..you know the normal stuff thhat is healthy and good and makes sense..but how long before i make it all mess up and make it into an all time consuming issue..how long will it stay healthy ? how long before i figure out how to make it work for me..how long before i stop eating and go back to counting calories...ive been afraid to do that...count calories..i go for a little while and stop...and its just hurting me right ? i mean on one hand im going pretty steadly back and forth between the same 5 pds...lose and gain and lose and gain again..stupid right..i dont know..my feelings tonight about my body and body image just arent so positive...
you know what i was thinking about the other day...ok like yesterday? i was thinking that i am to fat to have a baby..and i really want a baby...and i even looked up info on artifical insemination..although that is super gross..but i know im not a canidate right now because i am so overweight..so of course in my convalted mind..its like ok..this is something i can work with..work on...i can lose the weight and by the time im 30 i can seriously look at having a baby...thats a little over two years away..two years to get my life in order..get my head in order..make some major changes...and that is scaary... but i dont know why i am so very hooked on babies right now..i want a baby so bad...and maybe it really is just that im feeling so lonely that i want someone to need me..to want me..to love me..that i would consider having a baby...
but again the whole sex thing is a big big major big part of that...not having sex..not being touched ever..no no no no no no...and still i crave it..i want it..i want to know what it feels like..but i dont think it will ever happen..i cant see it ever happening...i just cant...and that makes me think ill be alone for forever...
and i guess thats that...
yeah im a bit depressed tonight...
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