Proud or not...

we are back from the backpacking trip...it was really hard coming in on the middle of the trip and just kinda being thrown inot all that was going on...they had already been there for two days before me and jim got out there and then the kids were just like why are you here? once we got past the yea it was shift change and the trip had to be moved and yes itreally sucks because we had to give up half a day off blah blah blah we got on with our day...it was about a mile maybe aa little more to get to the campsite they were at and i left before jim and zack because i knew i would have a hard time and i didnt want to hold them up because that really does make me feel guilty but i managed that part fairly fine..its wasnt a hard hike getting up to the campsite..i was completely surprised when we ran into sam and just like walked for a couple minutes and there they all were! jim of course told me i had done a good job and so did zzack...we left to go climbing and i knew we would have to hike to get to the rock but i realy had no idea how freaking hard it would be...saying its going uphill just doesnt even describe it at all.it was climbing over rocks and roots and going up hill..jim started off behind me but i made him go in front of me when i started slowing down...because i would just worry endlessly if he stayed behind me and i kinda dont really like when ppl know im having a hard time..i went back and forth between yelling at myself and just reminding myself that i could finish and it wasnt a big deal how long it took..and seriously wanting to yell at jon for having to change the trip and meending up backpacking when i kinda suck at it..so anyway jim and zack kinda didnt mention that we had to climb up a rock halfway through the hike in order to get to the second part of the trail...like literally tie a rope to a tree at the top and climb up it..given im not usually afraid of heights at all but this was done without harnesses and it was just like ok hold on and go up..as soon as i saw it i said i didnt want to do it..zack was at the bottom with me and the last of the kids who had yet to go up and i ended up being last becasue i really was scared and proceeded to tell him so..but i couldnt stay where i was and it was either go up or go up..so i climbed up the rock and when i got to the top jim told me he was proud of me and i didnt say anything since i was too mad at him for making me do it in the first place..but sitting up there and looking out the view was really really pretty...tree tops and mountains and tons of sky..i wish i could have gotten a picture of it...but i dont think ill be forgetting it anytime soon...so we fnish the hke and the last aprt of it was really climbing over rocks and roots and trees and it was miserable and becasue i get so nervous i was going incredibly slow and freaking out about slipping and falling down the mountain..but i made it to the top and helped all the kids climb the actual rock ..and they all did a realy really good job and so i was just kinda hanging out trying to not feel sick and keeping them all motivated to keep trying..most of them made it all the way to the top and they could see the top of looking glass from where they were..even the ones who didnt climb the day before climbed with us and it was cool..i didnt climb this time because i wasnt feeling good and i was tired and the bugs were killing me...but mostly i was just worn out and didnt want to do it..not a big deal wor anything since most of the kids went two or three times and had a good time doing it...we stayed all day and started the long trek down at around 3:30 in the afternoon after being up there all day..going down was just as hard as coming up but it didnt take as long...having to climb down the rock on the rope was enough to s care me into swearing not to move off the top of the rock at all.jim was at the top with me when i was yelling at zack to let me stay where i was..jim kept threatening to push me off if i didnt go on my own..so i had to do it..wasnt thrilled about it or anything but i guess thats what it comes down too..i had to do it whether i wanted to or not...even if i was scared enough to want to cry and not move at all i had to do it..jim kept me talking as i went down the first half and of course i was dumb enough to keep looking down the big rock..and going down was just weird because you have to walk backwards and i couldnt see where i was going and it was like ok im just going to fall and it will suck..but as i got closer to the bottom zack started talking to me and telling me i was doing fine and doing a good job...but i got to the bottom and we left and i of course got scared again going well sliding down all of the big rocks after that..and jim kept me company for some of it but eventually i let him go on ahead...it was an incredibly exhausting day..i hadnt realy slept much the night before and that might have been becasue i had to much alcohol in my blood and i was jut a little tipsy and automatically went to bed and the alcohol didnt have time to do anything so i spent most of the night awake trying to force myself to sleep..and i was nervous about camping out for real..and then hiking about 4 miles to go and come back was just tiring by its self..we came back today and the hike out wasnt hard but it was raining for most of the day and it was miserable ...i stayed behind with the kids who needed to walk a bit slower and we did fine by ourselves...they kept up with me and i made sure they stopped when they needed breaks and what not..but we finished the whole hike in really less than three hours..we stopped a couple times and really nice waterfalls and i think it would be really pretty to take that hike down in the summer or at least on a sunny day...parts of the trail today were really calming and just nice to look at..i had adam with me for a good while and he just kept talking and talking and talking..and i was half listening but not really becasue i was thinking about a million other things...i had one kid who just refused to hike with us and didnt stay with us at all but even that didnt screw up the hike because he caught up at every stop and he was ok hiking by his self..its been forever since ive been hiking and i really just kinda wasnt thinking about how hard it would be..i still enjoyed the quietness of it..that i dont think will change because that is nice and its a nice time to think when its such a mindless activity..but no matter how many times told me he was proud of me i wouldnt let up on being upset that i couldnt keep up yesterday...today wasnt so bad since my pace was fine for the kids who needed to go slower but yesterday it was just no matter how hard i tried i couldnt keep up..and i wasnt proud of anythingi did at all and couldnt really understand why jim kept telling me he was when i wasnt doing anything to deserve it...its confusing i guess..now we are back at camp and everyone is pretty quiet/wornout tonight..watching a movie up in the cabiin that i prolly need to back to helping with..and everytime i sit down and stop moving for a while and then get up again my body reminds me of how sore it is..walking is a pain in the butt right now im so so sore..all i want to do is sleep but i cant really get comfortable either..kinda sucks..but anyway i better get going back into the miserable weather