*sigh*
i just dont know how things got so bad and off center so easily..all the weird stuff with my rommate and her boyfriend just threw me for a loop and suddenly im the third wheel and im not included and i dont want to be alone but now its like..wow i dont have friends like i sometimes think i do :( im just alone and by myself and no one can really know what im dealing with...and i guess thats not fair and im over reacting maybe..but maybe i was just selfish thinking i would always have her to talk to and ahve fun with..and now her attention is taken by someone i dont know and it makes me mad kinda but more jealous..and i hate that shes going somewhere and i cant follow her :( shes growing up (regardless of ages here) and im just getting left behind again :\ now my thoughts are just being taken over by thoughts and wondering why exactly it is that i cant have what she has when it makes me so happy? what makes me so unlovable and different?? given i know very well i cant handle a relationship like that now and i dont know when ill be able to but i still want it..and it hurts because im just barely getting to the point of being touched without pulling away from ppl i know..i would freak out if someone i didnt know started touching me..
my mom is having surgery again and that worries me..classes worry me...getting my work done without freaking out worries me...everything worries me lately..the fact that i have no money for anything worries me beyond the normal range of worrying and for now i cant even do anything about it...i would just really rather not eat than to mention i dont have money for food anymore...lucky lucky me since i should be dieting anyway...everything is just crowding in on me and i cant see a way out of any of it...its been a sucky weekend and ive been cutting a lot and im trying to figure it all out and its like my head as reached the end of what it can safely figure out and it refuses to go anywhere else...i cant think about anything else my head is so full and i cant find an answer to any of my problems and i keep trying and it just frustrates me so much...i spent last night compeltely wired for no real reason and paced back and forth trying to figure out why i cant stop cutting :( i mean i can look at my arms and hate what ive done..i tell ppl they should stop while they can so they dont get addicted to it..i can tell all the reasons why its not the greatest coping skill and still i do it..regardless of all of it..and thats what bothers me so much..i know exactly what im doing and i still cant stop..i hate what im doing and it still draws me back no matter how long i fight it and put it off and swear to never pick up another blade again...maybe im just a wimp...maybe it is a drug and i cant stop without serious intervention..i dont know...and ive figured out i cant do it alone but how do you go about asking for help? thats not my strong point at all and without my doc i dont know what im doing either...living day to day is so hard and tiring sometimes..and i just want to give up and take a break from everything and i cant do that either :( and im just stressing myself out...i emailed my teacher today and asked if the way to get over a problem is to admit you have one :\ i mean i know i cut and purge and randomly starve but have i admitted them to myself?? i dont know...and if i dont know im pretty sure i havent then but admitting it makes it all true and i cant hide it anymore..and that scares the heck out of me...i cant do that can i?
to many thoughts floating around my head right now...just needed to write some ..not that it helps anyway
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