to much in my head

im feeling really frustrated and annoyed and trapped right now..and i have been feeling like this since yesterday and im feeling angry...because tramaine isnt listening to me and im trying to understand her side of things and where she is coming from..but at the same time im trying to get her to see that i cant make money appear out of thin air...and that what i do with my money really isnt her concern either...but all the same ..i went and applied for the apartment yesterday...and the same stress of not having the money to move in is still there...it hasnt changed..but she isnt hearing me on that...she is pushing for the apartment and its like...ok fine ill go apply but im not getting my hopes up until i know for sure..and even knowing for sure isnt going to be much help if i dont have the money to pay for it...and so the stress of the situation is just getting to me and im angry because i tried my hardest to explain that my check isnt going to be a lot..and that i have some things that i need to get paid out of this check...and she just keeps pushing past what i am saying...because she doesnt want to split up...and im just left feeling very trapped and upset...you know if things work out..great...but i cant stop worrying when i dont know if ill have the money...what am i going to do if i do end up with the money and then we have an apartment that has no food and we cant get stuff out of storage or even have a definite plan for getting the lights and what not turned on...and so yes i am scared...very very freaking scared and she is not understanding that...i want to be positive and optimist but right now it just feels like things are going to fall apart all over again...

i saw courtney yesterday and she upped my anixety med a little...ill have to see how that goes..she asked me to try it for a week and let her know...so ill do it today..but talked to her for a bit and then went to therapy and talked about the housing issue of course beacuse that is my main concern right now...and i did what i said i would do and i just feel so ignored..but then i explained my work schedule and im angry because i dont fit into her schedule anymore..i wont fit into liz's schedule either anymore..and ill be just left all alone again...and without the extra support...again im trying to wait and see if jane calls me with an appointment...but im scared nothing will be available for me..nothing at all..

my thoughts are being consumed again with wanting to cut..or burn or whatever..something...anything..everything is getting to me and im losing the ability to say what is wrong ...and that the little bit of support that i was starting to get again will go away...and im afraid of what will happen...or what i will do...