sadly...last night and today i am feeling incredibly hungry...the problem with that is i dont want to eat because i dont have the food ... sad life i live...i feel like im starving and right now i would give anything to be able to get something to eat without being consumed by guilt ..because i need to keep money for other things..and food shouldnt be high on the list...like i need cat food...and ive been thinking and trying my hardest to figure out how i can make 10 dollars stretch to get cat food/litter and maybe something to eat..but every time i try to work it out..im out of money before there is any way for me to get anything...and i guess that is making me feel really down today...i will most likely go over to the lobby and at least make some toast or something and get some juice..and then i have to get up and get ready for my appointments...or i can just lay down until i have to go to my appointment and not go and eat anything...i dont know..this really isnt something that i feel like i need to argue with myself so much on..but i am...i do and it is frustrating..and sad...you know over the weekend when i was at sarahs and actually got to eat..like real food..i was feeling so darn guilty...because i was hungry and i shouldnt be going to someone elses house and eating their food..and i tried not to be a pig and constantly eat..or whatever..and that makes me ashamed of myself...i guess a lot lately is making me feel ashamed of myself...so no i most likely wont eat anything..and ill go to the store and maybe be able to find something to eat that isnt expensive.. even at work i try hard to make myself refuse food because i dont want anyone to think i eat to much or something..even though not eating makes me tired..and this is depressing enough that now i truly am trying hard not to cry..
the other thing that is a slight issue is that some how i am getting sick in the mornings ..i dont have anything to throw up..but literally brushing my teeth is what triggers it..and it scares me because it has been leaving me feeling sick and inadvertently throwing up for like 10 mins or something..and then i panic and that makes it worse..because being sick and having nothing to throw up.hurts like crazy...i dont know why its started happening again...
yeah..depressing life 101..i should write a book
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