and my thoughts are consuming me tonight. im tired and just thinking a lot about things...worrying and scared and trying not to panic...but my thoughts are on the war path...and im upset and tearful because i wasnt saved..i wasnt helped...and i am alone now and will be alone for forever because i am to broken to have anything better...because there is no one for me..no one to understand the hurt and shame and guilt...because sometimes i think my eyess are dead...that i am dead inside...broken..gone..empty..there is nothing there..there is nothing left for me...nothing left in me...i dont want to be bitter..angry..but sometimes i do feel so bitter because i am so messed up..because i am stuck hiding and pretending and surviving and trying to just get by...i dont know what to do..i dont know what i want to do anymore...right now anyway..i guess it will pass...i know it will pass...but right now...the depression wins out...and all i have is my silence..my silence stops the tears...stops the talking..stops everything for a little while...but its not the silence that i want..i want the numb empty feelings..i want my head to turn off, to be quiet ... and silence does not stop that .... cutting stops that..and im fighting to not take the meds that i have..trying not to hurt myself...trying to remember that i can get pass this mood..get past these thoughts...but when im in the middle of them it seems like there is no end in sight....there is nothing but never ending pain and loneliness
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