my fear of everything is overwhelming me right now and the need to hide is so strong...there is so much that i want to do..some many things that i want to be able to participate in and im afraid..afraid to be looked at..afraid to be noticed..just flat out afraid to be in a group of people that i do not know...and as much as i want to engage and be included and a part of it...im just not sure...and im continuing to miss out on everything..and it is depressing to me...i dont want to go to work really ..i dont want to be around anyone ..i just want to be left alone..with my thoughts ..and to just sink lower and lower and just not have to deal with having to put up with anything or anyone ... im still so tired of everything and i know that it is my way of avoiding things...say im tired...say that i dont want to be a part of things...and then i am able to hide away..because im ashamed of myself..im ashamed of who i am and what i am...im ashamed that i cant be like everyone else..that i am flawed..that im not socially acceptable..and it makes me sad..and then the negative thoughts start and i am just afraid...
technically there are three things that i want to be able to do right now...
i want to go to the support group meeting thats every other week i think..but im afraid
i want to do the work out thing thats twice a month at the clinic i go to..but im afraid and ashamed to be seen trying to work out..in a group..when i am so gross and disgusting..
i want to go to the ww meeting once a week..but again i am ashamed and afraid ..
three seemingly simple activities and i cant deal with it...im afraid to do it..im afraid to put myself out there because i dont know what will happen..and i know that if i put it off and put it off then it will juts get worse and i will never go..but it is heart stopping fear juts even thinking about it..i dont know what to do...
i know how the conversation will lgo..face your fears..doing it a little bit at a time..continuing to go even though i am afraid .. that i will get used to it with time..but it is getting past the fear that is the biggest issue... if i cant get pass the fear then i will stay home and hate that i am missing out..but stepping out and getting involved is so overwhelming that i am afraid before i even have to do it..and this is me just thinking about this stuff all week..the stuff that i kinda want to do but then feel so depressed and ashamed of myself and my body that i just want to hide away...that i just want to disappear...and not do anything or go anywhere at all...my isolation is just so big right now i dont do anything..i go to work and come home..thats it..thats all i do..
i do want to be omre involved..i want to get out of the house and do things..but i feel like i need a damn knlonopin to even calm down enough to think about this without flipping out...its ridiculous..and i feel ridiculous because im struggling so much with something that is so simple...and im jut failling miserably at it all... because i am afraid ...because the world and the people in it scares me..because new situations are not safe and its even less safe if i am by myself...what in the hell am i supposed to do????
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