fear/safety/outings

so im supposed to be working on this thing for therapy..trying to pinpoint what it is that happens to me when i am out in crowded places or something..what is it that scares me or makes it hard for me to manage..andd i just want to say screw it ..i dont know..leave me alone..but i know that is just my highly pissed off mood talking right now..and that this is really more iimportant than i am currently willing to give it credit for..so i need to calm down and think for a little bit..and then i can go back to being pissed off ...

ill give an example first since this just happened.

i went to the bingo thing with a client...a group activity..but an expectation ..so i couldn't get out of going ..although i did not want to be there at all... but i go and thankfully its not as crowded as it has been...but still it is more people than i feel comfortable with...so immediately eye contact goes away..im afraid and so i cant look directly at anyone.. on one hand i guess i know that nothing is going to happen to me..but at the same time i am so afraid that something is going to happen...i sit so that i can see the door...but still i feel like i am being watched and looked at by everyone ..and it freaks me out..i have to remind myself to breathe..and focus on my client instead of everyone else..but i am aware of everyone else around me..somehow i can keep track of who is where when it comes to who i feel is to close to me..i was very glad the tables were set up differently so that i wasnt sitting directly back to back with someone..and i picked the sit that was on the end so that i didnt feel trapped or completely closed .... even though i knew some of the ppl there..i still mostly talked to only my client..because fear and being uncomfortable kept me silent... i mean the bingo did end up being fun...but my anxiety was up the whole time..and at the end it jut got worse as things got louder ..and there were juts to many people walking around me and i felt like i couldnt escape any of it...and i dont like that..finally i just sat down and tried to focus on my own stuff ..like what i actually had to carry and take with me...and still all of the way home i was anxious..nervous..

now this little event took place in an area where i should feel safe..its at the clinic where i go a lot of time..but it was in the basement ..and well basements freak me out anyway..dont know why but i prefer to stay above ground..whatever..but going down stairs is the first part that caused my anxiety to rise...and the familiarity of some of the ppl there didnt make me feel better..it just made me feel like i was being watched more..so i kept my head down...tried to stay out of ppls way..didnt speak much..etc..i didnt let myself focus on anyone but my client compeltely..and so yes i was aware that there were 2 ppl at the table in front of me..4 at the table behind me..and at least 6 or 7 at the table across from me..and again it was less crowded than usual ..but still..in my opinion it was crowded..and i dont think i felt completely safe....i dont know..