weight watchers ...food...the hoildays..

so ive been thinking about this alot lately and ive been looking up the points and everything and you know just thinking about if i could do it or not..and well i think im getting close rand closer to deciding that i want to do weight watchers..i just get nervous thinking about starting it and seeing what happens..i have ..well this morning i looked up the points for like what i have been eating and its horrible..like really truly horrible ..and like over the top..using up points and then some..not that im counting right now.  its just a pain in the butt you know..cas the more i learn about all the weight watchers stuff the more i start counting stuff and its like holy crap...and i wonder why i cant lose weight ?!  its because im eating like i have no sense left in my head and i know better..but im using food as a crutch..i know i am..i really do..and i really hate that im doing it..but its like anything bad happens and i want to eat..anything annoying or frustrating or upsetting and i want to eat..ugh..its such a pain in the butt..and i dont know how to stop it..i mean i managed a couple days last week without fast food and then all it took was like one bad thing to happen and it was like noope i want to eat and i want something now and so it turned into fast food and then once i started i couldnt seem to stop again and its just a frustrating cycle that i have gotten myself into once again..and i have been thinking about purging again..and ive been thinking about not eating again and its all just a mess in my head when it comes to food cas well its all i think about it and its all overwhleming in its own way..and now the holidays are coming and im starting to freak about going home and being around mommy and her telling me you know that ive not lost weight..and im not sure if i gained or not but im certainly not losing anything..and i know she is going to just take one look at me and scream and push and do all her usual stuff to let me know how much i just suck at life you know..and it makes me nervous to gohome..and it makes me scared to go home too cas i dont want to have to deal with that...becuase its going to juts lead to an immediate and total shut down..i know it is..its like clockwork..and its like i know she will just take one look at me and have to point out all my current flaws and then just look at me like im a disgusting bug that she just wants to step on...facial expressions are pretty obvious you know..and well she doesnt go out of her way to hide hers..and so ive become quite accustomed to her looks of disgust :( i really have..and i try so hard not to let them get to me ...but its hard..and i dont know how to NOT let it get to me..i was looking at my calendar today and thanksgiving is really like just a week and a half away :( thats all...and not even 4 full weeks after that is christmas..and between the two of them that is a lot of time at home ...and im trying to figure out money and everything and im freaking out about all of it..i mean i need money to get my car out..and for bills and ugh...i just dont have enough for everything..i dont... :(  its not good ..and i hate it cas its so just ugh i hate money...you know..i keep trying and trying and trying and still things are piling up so very much..and i cant manage to keep up...and it makes me feel so sick of trying :(

and this week is going to be busy...ill be up most of the night doing paperwokr i guess because it is due tomorrow no questions asked..so i have to get it done..fun fun fun...and then lots of work stuff to do this week and even more running around you know...lots of sessions with clients...and all that..gotta figure out my school schedule too and the classes that i need to see..and i have court on tuesday morning with a client..

therapy this week has me nervous and i keep thinking that i want to cancel it becausae it is going to be scary..and i wish i could remember what it is that we talked about..or what it is that i had homework about..but i dont remember...i just vaguely know what we talked about concerning mommy and her threatening to kill me..and i remember linda telling me that i could leave it all in her office and not worry about it..but i think i took that as im not going to remember any of it..cas i dont remember the session..i dont remember what we talked about..and i dont know..im just afraid..and feel completely exposed you know...

i know i owe my t and pdoc a lot of money..and i do mean a lot...and they are being so nice about the fact that i keep coming and umm cant pay :( and im hoping that i will have my insurance card by dec first so that i can take it to the office and then can start running it for my insurance and then ill be able to start paying off what i owe and not letting it get any higher...thats what i want...

and well i have to remember my bills..im so disappointed that it will mostly likely be in january before i manage to catch up :(  because i know that i am asking a lot of my friends that im staying with..and i know that we have a plan and a contract and everything..and i want to do my best to stick to it...and im going to try..but i guess i am feeling the time frame a lot right now and im worried that i wont be able to do it..or that ill have to find a place to move out and all of that ..and i guess im just feeling a bit worried about things and how things are going to work out...

i dont know...just a lot on my mind right now...

i