....hmmmmm

finally..finally it is friday and the day is over with for me...well all the work stuff is finally over with...gosh ...am so tired and sick and just worn out from this week..and so that means pretty much a day and a half of no work...cas have to work on sunday early in the afternoon and i think ill spend some time in the office on sunday doing work and what not...so that it will be all done and ready..cas now all notes have to be done on monday morning for both jobs..and i just want to be caught up you know...i want to not have to worry about it anymore ...so yeah thats the plan...but tomorrow its like an utterly nothing day..nothing is going to happen..nothing is going to get done..if i stay in bed all day then so be it..darn it...i just want one day were im not having to wake up at 5 in the morning and driving to town and what not...just one day..is that so much to ask for ?

work was ok i guess...got it done..mix up with one of my schools and i didnt send my schedule last night cas of well being sick and going to sleep within an hour of getting home ...and im sure sleeping at 7:30 is a big big sign that well i wasnt feeling good..but yeah..so one school is mad at me..and one is happy..and one is just in the middle and still kinda neutral...next week will stink kinda..cas there will be a lot of rearranging of my schedule...3 preschool classes to see, 2 staff meetings, 2 supervisions, 1 90 day eval meeting and well umm 4 maybe 5 clients to see at least 2 times a week EACH..AND possibly teacher and parent meetings will end up happening next week also...and then add in my own random personal stuff and therapy..and im looking at my week like WTF ... maybe i need to call it quits now before next week even starts and give myself a break...essh...so messy...and so busy..and tiring..and well the possibility of getting my car back is also next week at some time..and yeah..like i said..it will be busy...and im realizing ..rather late in the game .. that with my jobs..i just cant make everyone happy and i think ive gotten so caught up in trying to keep everyone happy that im just getting more and more lost and overwhelmed with things..

it was pretty disappointing today to realize that my plan of how things were going to work out and how things are working out are two very different things ive screwed up my pay checks for next week..i really have..and i know i have to live with it ..i do...but i also realize that im kinda royally screwed right now money wise..and my hole of despair is growing and growing and growing (but my meds are stopping the sui feelings from forming..blah )..and i feel so caught in it all i guess..cas i keep thinking about how much money i need next week vs how much ill actually have...and what ill need to go home and all of that..and its frustrating and hard and ugh frustrating ..and i dont know what i can or cant pay..i really truly dont right now..i know what i have to pay and what i cant get around paying..and im trying hard to keep as much money as we can in the bank to kinda help with the cost of things..but even that is dwindling..and its just ...i guess things are going slower than planned and then all the extra car stuff going on is making it all really hard to deal with..and yeah..im trying to be patient...i truly am..but its hard...its really really hard

guess trying to kinda avoid what was talked about in therapy..on tuesday..i dont want to think about it..but little bits and pieces are still creeping in and im stuck wondering what happened..and what they are about...they make me sad though..and i keep thinking that im just tired of the secrets..but im not sure i can go and blab them all to my therapist at the drop of a hat..but i am tired of keeping them..im tired of feeling so awful and miserable..and i guess i just know that my life is passing me by and im missing it...i couldnt figure out the other day if i was just existing or if i was actually living..you know im out and about during the day..but im awful at relating to people...and yes i work as a counselor..and yes im still quite awful relating to people..i dont know how to do it..im uncomfortable doing it..god i hear praise and i shut down almost...and i dont want to be like this forever..its hard..its tiring..im tired..and i know that this thinking to can change at the drop of a hat to..but maybe its enough for now to just be thinking about it.. i just want out you know...some how there has to be a way out...

but anyways...im starting to cough and throat is hurting again so guess its time for more medicine and laying down..

sorry for rambling..