last night..i dont know how to even begin to describe how bad last night was...the day was ok you know...i hung out with heather at her house..i watched tv and got to play online, and ingeneral was ok..i left to go to the movies with yvonne and i know i was a little pissed off that yvonne was late getting to the movie because i hate missing the previews..but i let it go..i was fine in the movie..but once i got into the lobby after the movie was over i started to freak out..it was to crowded..and way to loud..i dont know what i was feeling but i was thinking that i just needed to get out..and i left the lobby as fast as i could...and you know went to my car..i was a little shakey..but nothing horrible..i got in my car and was getting ready to leave and i just flipped out...i couldnt breathe, and i was shakey, and i couldnt calm down..i didnt know what i was supposed to do..yvonne had already left and so i was by myself..ii wanted to go home but couldnt get myself to drive..and ended up turning my car back off and just sitting there..i made myself take deep breaths and it didnt really work for me..i spent almost 2 hours sitting in my car because i couldnt get myself to drive home...the first 45 minutes or so..i was trying hard to calm myself down..i messaged heather a lot and that was helpful..cas she kept asking me questions and stuff..and then i messaged yvonne and asked her to come back because i was still at the movies..and so she came back and sat in my car with me for almost an hour...before i drove home..and even then i wasnt completely calm..but yvonne followed me home, and then stayed home...i laid down and well took my meds for the night and just waited for sleep to come ..i didnt want to think..i didnt want to feel...i wanted to cut and i was really suicidal last night..i told yvonne that it would be better if i wasnt at home alone...i told her some of what was going on while we were in my car..but still i just feel like im falling apart..and more and more stuff is just being added onto my overloaded brain..i cant deal with anything else..and it just feels like i keep having to deal with stuff..
i dont know if it is meds or just an overload of stuff that made me freak out so badly last night...i have never freaked that badly..ive never been unable to drive :( i hated that i needed help..and had to ask for it..i hated that i was almost willing to sleep in my car before asking yvonne to come back..i want to talk to my old t..i dont feel safe at all anymore..but i cant talk to her anymore..and im not sure about contacting the new t just yet...
and to make it all just so much better..im back to bleeding really heavy again..and it hurts and makes me so tired and cranky...but i go back to see the obgyn on tuesday..i hope i make it ...
im going to try to be okay enough for work tomorrow ..but im really not sure..i dont know anything right now
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