today has been a horrible day...sitting at nias still trying not to cry and trying to hold myself together but its not going so well..i still have to drive home tonight..and im just dont know if i can even make the drive safely right now...thats how out of it i feel..i dont want that many hours alone in the car..i really dont..to much time to think and struggle..and i cant drive if im crying..and i hurt...i think my heart crashed and broke into a million pieces..and it will never ever ever be fixed..it cant be fixed..i dont want to talk to anyone ..or do anything..i want to call in sick to work..i dont want to go see the new linda tomorrow..i dont want to even look at the stupid building where the new linda is..
i saw the old linda today..and it started off ok..it did..but then we talked about stopping again and i didnt want to..i asked her to move to va a million times and she still says nno..and i eventually told her that i was trying to hang on to her cas i would miss her and miss talking to her..but that coming to see her wasnt the same because of course i cant talk about any of the big stuff with her anymore..and that it was just different..and she started to talk about how it seemed like the relationship was turning into more friend than client and therapist..and that it broke all sorts of boundaries for me to keep seeing her without working on anything ..i understand i do..but i told her i understood..and then i started to cry..not like bawling but just started to tear up..and i wouldnt look at her at all..and she kept talking to me and telling me that she would miss me to, and that it was good i was able to identify my feelings and everything..and i tried hard to pull myself together and it wasnt working..cas of course i started thinking i was horrible and would never be able to come back and see her anymore and that she didnt like me..and all this stuff..she asked me if i wanted to make another appt or what i wanted to do and i couldnt even answer..i was trying to control myself so much...eventually i told her that i wasnt going to make an appt to see her..because if i did then i would want to keep seeing her and i cant keep going cas i wouldnt stop..i would want to just keep going..and i cant..and so i just kept starting to cry..and it was bad..she asked if i was crying and i said no..even though i was sitting right in front of her ..and it was pretty obvious that i was crying..and yeah...she asked if it was ok to hug me before i left and i let her..which just meant i started crying even harder..and ended up putting my sunglasses on so that it wasnt obvious i was crying .. over 2 years of seeing her and i never cried..i dont care what we talked aboutt..and today i cried..:( i feel miserable and sad...very very depressed and just not ok..and i have to drive home tonight...i am not ok
No comments:
Post a Comment