yesterday was not ok

I have a lot of worries in my head right now…the obgyn visit yesterday has been a big trigger and things are still bothering me a lot..i really do hate that..its not fair…I feel like I was tricked into it ..when I could have said no…but the need to have the bleeding stopped overruled my good sense to get up and leave..had I left Im not sure I would have gone back..so I stayed and had the exam and tried really hard not to cry..why are my feelings hurt? I think I just feel tricked into having the exam..when im the one that went..i was trying..well I am trying a little bit harder to take care of myself..but one thing at a time..and I kept putting off going to the doc for this particular issue and its still an issue..and because I keep bleeding through my clothes some days..i knew it was important to go to the doctor..but I don’t know..i just thought that since I was still bleeding then I wouldn’t get an actual exam..stupid doctors..why are there even doctors for this stuff..ugh..its stupid..and it hurt..and I didn’t like it..and I just want to throw a tantrum and refuse to ever go back again..but I do have to go back in a couple weeks for an ultra sound..and id rather have my teeth pulled..because there are two ways to have an ultra sound and one is incredibly invasive..and well id really rather not..but good grief it will get them to stop looking at me I do the stupid ultra sound..i mean I do want to know whats wrong..but id just rather it could be figured out in a different way….completely my fault for getting myself to believe that I wouldn’t have to have an exam because I was bleeding..darn it..i want to let it go and move on but I cant because I think im still super duper triggered about other things..and I don’t want anyone to touch me at all..and I just want to like hide for a while..i went to work when I left the doc yesterday..which was a lot better than going home and drowning in depression and bad feelings…I don’t like remembering and at least at work I was distracted..but I figured out pretty fast that I didn’t want to be at work and I wasn’t ok..but I stayed because I had to. Because its my job and I needed to stay..but I talked about it a little bit with heather and nia and yvonne..and that helped a little bit..but still im not ok about ..and im trying to keep it together long enough to make it to linda next week..i need to talk to her..because this is one of those times where its getting really bad really fast and I don’t know what to do to stop it..im trying not to cut…its just thoughts now and I feel like a baby for not being able to handle the stupid appointment..i really do..
But on to other things…im super duper tired..and the increase for lexapro isnt doing anything..or helping my mood any…im more tired..but its only been a couple weeks I think..so ill go until I see the pdoc next and hope that she will figure something else out..i know one of the other meds she talked to me about was wellbutrin..but there was another one too..so yeah really need to see her too..
There has been lots of snow here..and im fighting with whether I like it not ..i mean I do love snow…I love how quiet it makes everything seem..but so much snow in such a small amount of time is overwhelming..and it gets in the way of other things..like well work and doc appointments and all that…the need to play in it has lessened..and well all the dirty snow really bothers me..like serious bothering me and I cant figure out why..it just does…and well falling on the ice is a pain in the butt too..but im trying to go home this weekend..i think a change of scenery will be nice..ive been here for a month and a half and I guess I am still adjusting to all the changes..and so im hoping going home for a few days will be helpful…its also helpful that mommy will be at henrys school until Saturday I think and so I don’t even have to see her until Saturday evening sometime…which eases some of the stress of going home..but im hoping the weather will stay clear enough for me to get home, because it is supposed to snow again this weekend…and of course mommy has already told me not to come if the weather is bad…so im trying to keep an eye on the weather reports as much as I can anyway..
Im thinking that if the internet keeps not working then im just going to go ahead and have it installed or something..its really really inconvenient not being able to get online..and its hard to deal with..because I miss my usual people that I talk to, and it makes me lonely, and im worried about my farms :P on facebook..haha yes they are super important..but im trying to find a good deal on cable and internet..and I know I would have to cover the bill for a while which is fine..but I just want to make sure im getting a good deal..but ill work on that next week I hope..if the internet still isnt working..i mean it has been like 4 months of borrowed internet and that I should be thankful for..but now I guess its time to step up and start getting things squared away a bit better in the apartment..once the living is clearer then I think ill go ahead and set all that up.. I miss tv, and just the background noise really…so im hoping ill be able to take care of that soon..
Had a talk with yvonne last night…well yvonne came and had a talk with me and I interjected a few sentences every so often..i think I was a little spaced out and not all together last night but anyway..i think I hurt her feelings ..when I asked heather to go to my appt with me..hmm I didn’t really ask..she offered…but whatever still the same outcome..and then cause of the snow and me freaking out..heather took me and then dropped me off and work..yeah my car didn’t move yesterday..which in retrospect was kinda silly since the roads were cleared..ok off topic…umm so yeah talk..i agree it was one that needed to be had..but as usual I wasn’t expecting it..ive been so caught up in my own world..and I have been a bit more just weird lately..and im always slightly mad at yvonne and im not real sure why..but it just ends up with me kinda staying to myself..and stay bothered by whatever it is…maybe something is bothering me and I just havent figured out what it is yet..i don’t know..i just need to chill out..and calm down..im always on edge and I guess its just kinda drifting into everything im doing or not doing..and I don’t think its helping that I spend so much time alone…and then yvonne comes in and its like shes intruding on my space..and that’s not really fair..i cant claim the entire apartment as mine because im here the most…I think I already have and so I need to work on chilling out with that..so yeah things to work on.not the end of the world..

Hmm guess that’s all I had to talk to..just needed to clear my head a bit..