need to write

im starting to get really nervous about everything...a lot has to do with money and then it goes to work and then to life and then home and dusti and the list just seems to be busy right now...since the hike all ive done is pick at bug bites until i have most of them bleeding right now..its really hard because it did take until i was driving home tonight to even realize that ive traded posions once again..yea i havent been cutting but ive been picking bugbites all summer..im decorated in bandaids and i dont have any satisfaction at all until i make one bleed..and then of course everyone tells me not to scratch and its like ok..i tell the kids not to scratch and really mean it..it just really sucks becaause im not trying at all but i want them to try?! yea gotta love my logic at times...im tired and worried and just i dont know...money being my biggest worry right now..adn now i just kinda realize i shouldnt have done a lot of things and it sucks but everything is once again falling behind and its so stupid..and its my fault and i just cant figure out how to make any of it right no matter what..everything will bounce and then ill just have to spend even more money to fix it all..i think ill have to give in and move home in dec/jan..i just cant figure any other way out of things ..and it just really sucks..but i see no real way around it...home home home..just thinking about it makes me really want to cry or scream or run away..running away sounds good...run far far away and hide for forever..except then what would i do? cant run forever right? i dont want to be at home either but it looks like thats where im going..as much as i want to be by myself i just dont see it working out and being able to afford anything at the same time..where will i keep all of my stuff? what am i going to do with dusti? so many things are juts going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to deal with any of it..i keep seeing what little freedom ive gained going down the drain..and not coming back..ill be completely disconnected again..and the beck and call of everyone else once again..i have a killer headache and feeling really sick from binging as soon as i got home..i dont want to do what i really want to do...id really like to say i havent been cutting but scratching got a little of the same effect..i didnt stop i juts changed it again as i usally do..how much do i suck right this minute? its the same old thing and its like a lie i guess to even try and stop it..i dont have to asnwer to anyone right this minute so why dont i juts do exactly want i want to do without worrying about it? because im stupid and feel guilty over the smallest things..doesnt matter if it was my fault or not..if i was in on it and it is even remotely wrong then its supposed to be my fualt juts so i can come to terms with always being in trouble for reasons i dont think ill ever really understand..trouble is trouble is always attached to it...so why dont i just do what im expected to do and get it over with..but maybe

changing the subject

i dont think i have an entirely complete grip on the real world...how is it that suddenly i have ppl getting advice from me when i cant even remember most of what i do..why do things have to change..why cant i stay in my own little world and never come out..why is it that im so jealous over the most basic of human needs and hate myself so much for it..i dont need anyone at all ...but then i have yvonne who is a really great friend but i hurt her feelings because i wont talk to her..i think i hurt everyones feelings because i wont talk to them..but i dont know what to say and i hate talking about myself because im dull and boring and no one would want to hear anything i have to say..but then i have a lot of the ppl i wok with who take the time to say hi to me and ask how i am whether i give them a real answer or not..and i dont want that to go away either.. i try hard to be polite and nice but i think i fail miserably at it all the time ..and i think im just getting depressed again..

jumping subjects again

art was a lot of fun today..i colored a picture with a lepruchan in it and a pot of gold and it was full of colors..pretty ones..and i seriously talk to myself when im coloring..and then i made a wrinkled picture and got to paint overthe whole thing..and then i made a note box for the cabin and all the girls made their own and we can give them warm and fuzzies and it was a lot of fun..yvonne gave me a henna tattoo that really didnt show up well on my skin but it was still kinda cool having it on my hand for a while..and their is a kitten at camp..a little white fluffball named charlie and he is such a cute kitten and i really want him but i know i cant take him...dusti is still my favoritest pet ever and i would never just dump a kitten on her and leave for a week at a time..so no kitten for me

hmm why cant life just be simple and easy..guess it kinda just sucks for me that i cant remember when things were ever simple or easy