Sunday, October 09, 2005

sad

i keep thinking about everything i dont want to think about...i guess i would have figured out by now that trying not to think about stuff just makes me think about it more...something is just yelling at me to deal with it and grow up and then there is just something else that completely refuses to do that..i would rather just be a kid and keep lying to myself about ev erything...i could say i dont care any more and that would be half true because i dont but i also know im going home this weekend coming up..even if i was completely and utterly suicidal i wouldnt do anything...depending on how your looking at it that could be a good thing..could be a bad thing..all the same im not doing anything anyway..i wont get into what im thinking because im tired and i want to go to bed but since im waiting for something to come on im up for another couple hours at least..maybe not so ill just say another hour..i might not watch all im waiting to see...i keep wondering how much sense im making...i cant reallyy figure it out..just lots of thoughts and i dont want to write because then it just all becomes real..just like saying stuff...all of its a bunch of bs and a waste of time an d i really never should have started any of it and i wouldnt be where i am right now...if i start crying one more time ill scream..a pretend scream of course..i just wasnt expecting the whole no doc thing happening...and now its not like i can really talk about it..if i mention it to my teachers they wont be to thrilled about it..and its not like common convos center around losing a doc ... hard to understand without expriencing it...it really is like losing a really good friend...nevermind...i dont care

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