cold

im so cold right now...ive been cold since last night and just cant get warm to save my life...things are not going great i guess..or maybe i just dont know..my teachers keep asking for the reasons why i wont go back to see arran..and its not like ill tell them all the reasons..some im not even sure i know anyway but the ones i do know i dont really plan on sharing...im meeting both of them on monday and as much as i like them seperatly i dont want to deal with both of them at the same time..all of it is just making me really nervous and everything..im going home next weekend and im so glad its cold out because i can wear long sleeves again and hide what ive been doing to my arms...i almost thought i would have to go to the doc earlier this week but they got better and everything and im not worried anymore....yvonnes bf is coming again this week and i dont mind it just makes me think about how alone i am..not that i want a relationship or anything because thats just more than im willing to give at the moment its just that everyone sees fit to ask me a million times why i dont have a bf like its so very important and thats one of those things that i dont have an answer too..i mean its not like its anyones busy why i dont date or what ever and if i dont bring it up then obviously i dont want to talk about it but not like anyone listens to me anyway...to many questions lately that i cant answer..to many things i dont want to think about but i am and then there just stuck in my head because i dont talk and i have no plan to talk...im starting to wonder what will happen if i stay out of therapy and my teachers know...i could say im fine which i do but im not exactly sure they really believe me since they also ask if i still s.i and how often and i dont lie and i really could just to keep myself from feeling trapped and i dont...i can barely deal with the half truth and making up a lie and remembering it just takes to much time and effort..so ill go monday and figure out a way to once again not commit myself to agreeing to going to the doc because i cant..and im fine and im really starting to wish everyone would leave me alone until i manage to do something stupid.