living..loving..moving past the pain

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. ~ Romana L. Anderson

I wonder lately who i am and what has happened to me.. i wonder how i have gotten to this place...to this exact place where i am willing to allow another person to love me..where i have people who care for me..who want me around..i wonder how i am able to think and plan and really want to do more...when did i start living for me? what has changed that i actually want to live for me ? to do what i want to do regardless of anyone else? when did things change? and what made them change?

i dont know..and things feel different..things feel different..safer..calmer..stressful..worrisome..all of it and none of it..it does scare me..but i think i like the changes..i think im ready for the changes..im ready to get through the past stuff and move on..i want to move on.i want to grow up..and live my life completely..i do..and i know that it will involve a lot of work in therapy...a lot of talking ..and reaching out and support..i have to learn to accept comfort and stand up for myself..and say no and mean it..i have to accept the consequences of all of my actions..and let things go..i have to not ddwell on the little things..the past mistakes..the past pain..i cant carry it all around..it is a part of me..but i dont have to let it consume me either...

i will be okay..i will...

there are a lot of things that are changing..there are a lot of things that i suddenly want and i cant seem to settle for anything less...i want to move on..explore..have adventures...i want to be happy..i want to be positive..i want to be able to love myself and someone else..and to give and get in equal portions..and not give everything to one person and have nothing left for myself..
maybe that is what i ahve been trying to figure out lately..with all the supervisor stuff..and refusal to go home..and all of that that is going on lately..i actually learned the lesson that i some how needed to learn..and that i do need all of my supervisors right now..the ones who believe in me..and who talk to me..and offer me comfort in ways that i have never had it before..maybe its that my therapist is trying so hard to get me to live in the present and accept it for what it is...maybe i needed to have someone give me boundaries..very firm boundaries and i needed to know that i can respect them..and live with them..i will not fall apart when i am told that i cant have something..and yes i understand why she needed to put the boundaries in place..i really do..maybe more so now than i did last week when i struggled so much..i needed to be told over and over that i can be comforted and that it does not just have to be with hugs..and i have had a lot of people telling me lately..that this is progress..that this is growth..that i am accepting and acknowledging things in a way now that i have never done in the past..

it is odd that it is taken me this long..years and years of pain, and hurt and loneliness have gotten me here..living with friends..being able to talk to people who care...willing to have a relationship with someone that i do love and be able to get past the fear..maybe the whole huge thing is that im willing to take chances now..or that im willing to take one  chance and that will be a huge step in freeing myself from all of the past stuff...yes im still super afraid of a lot of things..and im super worried about a lot of things..but it is all manageable..it is all things that i can work on and deal with..even when it feels like i cant..i deal with it..and keep dealing with it..even through all the days that i wanted to truly give up and all the days i went and looked at pills in hopes of ending it all..or contemplated the benefits of suicide..and thinking that i just couldnt do it anymore..i never gave up..and i listened to my friend that i live with now..tell me over and over that i couldnt give up..that things will get better..i had my therapist telling me that i just need to keep holding on to hope and that it will get better..even if i didnt believe them..i heard them..i really truly heard them...goodness i still have a lot of work to do..a lot of things to get out and talk about and acknowledge...but im not the scared little girl i was even two years ago..im still scared of stuff..and have loads of trouble talking ..but i realized this week..that im not the same person i was when i left home and went to college at 17..im really truly not...what has happened to that girl ? where has she gone? 

i never thought i would be in this place...i really didnt..i was positive that i would have died long before i got to this point..before i accept a therapist who is willing to help me, or that i would be seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine..that i would be counseling other people and families and doing okay at it ( ok i really cant say that im doing good at it cas that makes me uncomfortable!) i am asking for help..im starting to live..maybe thats the whole thing..im starting to live..and it may have taken me my entire life to realize that it is possible to move on..to grow up..to accept where i am at and live with it..but it is happening..it is..


i am not my past..and i dont know my future..all that leaves me with is the present..and i can either take it or leave it..but the choice is mine to make


-me

my hopes for next year

i hope that next year i will be able to take care of myself

i hope that my job stays stable and i am able to save money

i hope that i continue to use therapy for what it is and stop trying to keep secrets

i hope that i am able to learn to set stronger boundaries with people

i hope that i am able to keep being a good friend to well my friends both here and irl

i hope that i continue to write and do creative things when words fail me

i hope i am able to learn to budget and control my impulses better.

i hope i am able to pay more attention to my health and learn to take better care of myself.

i hope i am able to find just a bit of happiness

what am i thankful for

i am thankful for friends who care.
i am thankful to have  a job and  car and a safe place to live
im thankful for bounce and dusti who can make me smile and who i would be lost without

im thankful for my t and for my new friends i have made in va

im thankful for having fun conversations and knowing that i fit in somewhere

im thankful for you guys here who care and support and listen like no one ive ever known

im thankful for my t' and the people who keep giving me advise and nice words and unending support

im thankful for hugs

im thankful i am learning to express my wants and needs

breakthrough?

maybe i am looking at this mess that i have gotten myself into all wrong...maybe it is a good thing that i can identify that i want comfort from another person...even with my messed up perception and all .. maybe it is good that i can ask for a hug and deal with being told no..i may not like it at all and i am continue to think of ways to have that need met..but i can in the moment accept what im told..maybe being able to trust my supervisors regardless of what mommy is pushing into my head is a good step. well im trying to trust my supervisors..i really am...im trying to trust my therapist..im trying to trust my psychiatrist (ok well that one is taking way more effort)..but well i guess you get the idea...im trying..im connecting to something and im not sure i like it darn it..cas things have gotten really kinda messy with my head and its all confusing and in the way..and consuming..ugh...but things are changing..and that is super duper scary..and confusing ..and did i mention scary?  i mean i dont think i have ever been able to ask for a hug from anyone..and last week i asked for about 5..and managed to deal with my supervisors concerns at the same time...how is that for growth! essh..

but yesterday..i did something really very stupid and im trying not to freak cas i called and talked to my bank..and pretty much was told i will need to wait it out and see..i may end up closing my account and opening a new one..but yeah my way to help my money situation was not a smart thing to do..and god i know this..i know that..i know not to give out my bank info..and i really dont know where my smart genes were yesterday..but it was very stupid and very scary and im watching my bank account like a hawk..you know these lessons that you have to learn by making the mistakes are a pain in the a$$ .. but well yeah..trying not to dwell cas its happened and now ill just have to deal with it...but i really cant get over how stupid i was yesterday...no more trying to fix things..ill just wait until i have money and get paid and go from there..ugh

i can pick up my car today..yeah..trying to figure out how i am going to work that out...i may end up picking up my car tomorrow..i dont know...but its finished..and i sorta have the money to get it out..nad the insurance check is there..so that is one less worry..and somehow gotta get that taken care of...

i really do want my car back!

and well there is therapy today and gosh i am like ready to tell her everything if i means that i can get it out of my head..so much going on...and well not to mention i called her last week..and talked to her..and ive had to restrain from calling her again and again..but i did call her and i know that we will talk about that..and well i think i need to keep talking about the issues with my supervisor..and i want to show her my collages..i want to make a nother one..cas head is so full right now...i want to talk about thanksgiving and how im not going home and how that feels..ugh one hour just is not enough time anymore...and i think that once i get back on track with paying my bills off there im gonna ask if i can come twice a week..i am ...right now i feel like im finally getting somewhere..and once a week is just not enough. my need for acknowledgment and comfort are to strong right now...-sigh- i dont know...  but i think yeah ill go and do some collage stuff and then some work stuff and then get ready for therapy and the day....

yeah thats the plan...

collages

.  

guess should explain these just a little bit...or maybe i should just wait for questions bout them...i dont know...

the one .. with all the mom stuff is kinda some of what is going on and what we are like transferring to my supervisor..i want to be comforted and loved and cared for..really do

and the other is just the general mass confusion of my head..a lot of back and forth..avoiding ..hiding..running.

messy situations :(

today has not been the best day at all...and im getting tired so im sorrry if this doesnt make sense at all..

i rushed to my eval this morning and end up getting there right at 9...and then waited 45 minutes for my supervisor to finish getting things ready...and its like really i did have something else i needed to do...but ok i let that slide..and did my eval...i got a 55 cent increase joy...but you know the eval its self wasnt bad...but then we went through this checklist thing that i had to fill out..and well i scored myself pretty harshly..and there were some differences between my answers and hers..and so then i had to explain how i was scoring myself..and she told me that next time i have to score myself accurately cas im not giving myself enough credit...but you know no biggie..cas i most likely wont be any less harsh next time..but then she said that we were going to talk about what was going on for me..and well i wasnt going to..i really wasnt..but then i just told her a little about what was going on and some of the issues with mommy and being home..and well we talked about cutting and coping skills and respect vs fear..and it was a heavy conversation she told me that she knew from the first interview that the scars were from cutting..and she mentioned seeing the ones on my chest also..i almost showed her my arms..almost...but we talked about how it would be if i was assigned to someone who cut..and how that would be..and well we talked for a long time..she talked about some of her own stuff to and how she could relate you know...and we talked quite a bit about making choices and doing what i wanted to do and not what other people wanted me to do...and she told me that i could call her any time..and that of course what we talked about was confidential ...and she let me go..and then i just had to go to my other supervisor..but i was feeling so exposed and scared and vulnerable and i didnt know what to do..and really wanted a hug..so i went to my other supervisor..and asked for a hug..and that turned into one of her 'ok close the door and have a seat' conversations..and it was like well crap i really will need a hug after all this talking! but she told me that she wasnt sure how she felt about all the hugs..and that she wasnt sure if it was good for me to keep coming to her for hugs..and so we talked about that..and how i was feeling and well i do understand that as one of my bosses i cant get like a million hugs from her..and i mentioned just asking for 1 hug a week..and then turned around and told her that it was unfair that i couldnt have hugs..but i do understand that im toeing the line of professional and unprofessional behaviors...i really am and so i can understand her concerns..i really can..and i dont like them at all..and so i ended up talking to her some about therapy and how i was kinda using her to fill a need totally unrelated to work and that i wasnt completely sure what was behind it..but it was another heavy conversation..and i only got out of it because she had to run out for something..and that meant i could leave.. ..but she did give me a hug..a real hug before i left today..but she also told me that if i asked for more than i would have to talk to her about what was going on..and she told me that the conversation was definitly not over with..and that we would continue it another time.. i mean how do i explain to my boss that i want to be attached to her hip and to never leave her side because she is safe..and i dont want her to think im weird or crazy..or anything..but the feelings im associating with her are really strong and i dont know how to really truly explain how i feel so connected to her that i cant control myself..and if im not trying to completely stare at her or keep track of where she is at ..then im like trying to get a hug from her or have her talk to me..cas she does listen and i know that she likes hugs..and all that stuff..and its just an area where im really truly lacking..and i just dont know .. ...but i left her and kinda wandered for a bit cas was feeling to overwhelmed to do much..and was going to skip the rest of work..but ended up going to work..and it was boring ...but my head was still kinda reeling and i was tryin to think and focus and i just had trouble with it..i left that house and ended up on the phone with mommy..and it was just ..i hung up with her and felt so out of it and angry..very angry cas im not being listened to and i cant say im not being listened to..and its frustrating cas she can break me so very fast..and then i really was feeling aimless and overwhelmed and upset..ended up sitting in the parking lot of a rug store for a little while..before going inside..i wrote a little bit..and then went and walked around in the store..which led to looking for razors and i looked for them and got mad cas i couldnt find them..and then did find them..and realized what i wanted and that i couldnt have it..and so texted for a little while..and then bought a bunch of magazines instead of buying razors...and then call the emergency line for my t and it took a couple tries but finally stuck with it and they called her and she called me..like super fast she called me..and i talked to her about what was going on..im all talked out..and i really was feeling out of control and on edge and just not in a good place and i told t that..and she helped me calm down enough to go to work..and well work was a disater tonight..and i left his house after about an hour because of the kids behavior..and so just came home..and well that drive was its on adventure..but am now home and just want to sleep..really thats all i want right now..im tired and drained and just afraid of things..upset i needed to call linda tonight..and that i felt so unsafe that i wanted to just give up..have an escape..again..its becoming more frequent again..i did tell linda that i felt really unsafe with myself when i was at home..and its just been a lot of hard convos..and feeling so not ok with all the talking and trying and ugh..its frustrating ... and im tired of work and

**insert random falling asleep last night and not finishing this***

hmm did calm down enough to go to work..and then then left within an hour cas the kid was off the chain and i wasnt up for dealing with him and my own stuff last night..i wasnt..so i left..and we have rescheduled for sunday...fun.. and so came home and well crashed pretty much...dont rememner how much medicine i took..cas woke up this morning feeling majorly drugged..and was trying to remember and cant.. i wanted to sleep..and i did..but now im awake and unsure again of what im doing or well not doing...

i think the problem..well one of the problems currently ..is that i cant balance the boundaries ...i really dont know how to...im pushing hard against the boundary with my supervisor with the hugs and all that..and i know that and understand it..but wanting them and wanting to feel comforted overruns my sense of logic and knowing better..and she is trying to put boundaries in place and i dont like it..i dont want the boundaries..i want her to be able to comfort me..because im scared and anxious and unsure of things lately...she and the other supervisor tell me that i can call them anytime...but i dont know how to handle that..because i would call every day..and not be able to talk..i already want to call them but i am unsure of how to cross that line..im not sure what is acceptable..and they both said i can call anytime..but i dont know how to limit the contact.once i start ill want to keep doing it..and ill want to keep going to them ...and icant...i cant regulate my emotions or feelings very well by myself...and maybe that is why i called linda last night and texted a friend...i have to be told and reminded that i need to calm down..and i need to think and do one thing at a time..and all this stuff..i get so caught up trying to look at and fix all of it that i just make it worse and not better..and then i end up a compete basket case and cant rein myself back in without an outside person or someone reminding me that i need to chill out..and then i start wanting to escape..to hide..to run away or hurt..i really wanted to hurt last night..i did...but managed not to..

i dont know..

weight watchers ...food...the hoildays..

so ive been thinking about this alot lately and ive been looking up the points and everything and you know just thinking about if i could do it or not..and well i think im getting close rand closer to deciding that i want to do weight watchers..i just get nervous thinking about starting it and seeing what happens..i have ..well this morning i looked up the points for like what i have been eating and its horrible..like really truly horrible ..and like over the top..using up points and then some..not that im counting right now.  its just a pain in the butt you know..cas the more i learn about all the weight watchers stuff the more i start counting stuff and its like holy crap...and i wonder why i cant lose weight ?!  its because im eating like i have no sense left in my head and i know better..but im using food as a crutch..i know i am..i really do..and i really hate that im doing it..but its like anything bad happens and i want to eat..anything annoying or frustrating or upsetting and i want to eat..ugh..its such a pain in the butt..and i dont know how to stop it..i mean i managed a couple days last week without fast food and then all it took was like one bad thing to happen and it was like noope i want to eat and i want something now and so it turned into fast food and then once i started i couldnt seem to stop again and its just a frustrating cycle that i have gotten myself into once again..and i have been thinking about purging again..and ive been thinking about not eating again and its all just a mess in my head when it comes to food cas well its all i think about it and its all overwhleming in its own way..and now the holidays are coming and im starting to freak about going home and being around mommy and her telling me you know that ive not lost weight..and im not sure if i gained or not but im certainly not losing anything..and i know she is going to just take one look at me and scream and push and do all her usual stuff to let me know how much i just suck at life you know..and it makes me nervous to gohome..and it makes me scared to go home too cas i dont want to have to deal with that...becuase its going to juts lead to an immediate and total shut down..i know it is..its like clockwork..and its like i know she will just take one look at me and have to point out all my current flaws and then just look at me like im a disgusting bug that she just wants to step on...facial expressions are pretty obvious you know..and well she doesnt go out of her way to hide hers..and so ive become quite accustomed to her looks of disgust :( i really have..and i try so hard not to let them get to me ...but its hard..and i dont know how to NOT let it get to me..i was looking at my calendar today and thanksgiving is really like just a week and a half away :( thats all...and not even 4 full weeks after that is christmas..and between the two of them that is a lot of time at home ...and im trying to figure out money and everything and im freaking out about all of it..i mean i need money to get my car out..and for bills and ugh...i just dont have enough for everything..i dont... :(  its not good ..and i hate it cas its so just ugh i hate money...you know..i keep trying and trying and trying and still things are piling up so very much..and i cant manage to keep up...and it makes me feel so sick of trying :(

and this week is going to be busy...ill be up most of the night doing paperwokr i guess because it is due tomorrow no questions asked..so i have to get it done..fun fun fun...and then lots of work stuff to do this week and even more running around you know...lots of sessions with clients...and all that..gotta figure out my school schedule too and the classes that i need to see..and i have court on tuesday morning with a client..

therapy this week has me nervous and i keep thinking that i want to cancel it becausae it is going to be scary..and i wish i could remember what it is that we talked about..or what it is that i had homework about..but i dont remember...i just vaguely know what we talked about concerning mommy and her threatening to kill me..and i remember linda telling me that i could leave it all in her office and not worry about it..but i think i took that as im not going to remember any of it..cas i dont remember the session..i dont remember what we talked about..and i dont know..im just afraid..and feel completely exposed you know...

i know i owe my t and pdoc a lot of money..and i do mean a lot...and they are being so nice about the fact that i keep coming and umm cant pay :( and im hoping that i will have my insurance card by dec first so that i can take it to the office and then can start running it for my insurance and then ill be able to start paying off what i owe and not letting it get any higher...thats what i want...

and well i have to remember my bills..im so disappointed that it will mostly likely be in january before i manage to catch up :(  because i know that i am asking a lot of my friends that im staying with..and i know that we have a plan and a contract and everything..and i want to do my best to stick to it...and im going to try..but i guess i am feeling the time frame a lot right now and im worried that i wont be able to do it..or that ill have to find a place to move out and all of that ..and i guess im just feeling a bit worried about things and how things are going to work out...

i dont know...just a lot on my mind right now...

i

....hmmmmm

finally..finally it is friday and the day is over with for me...well all the work stuff is finally over with...gosh ...am so tired and sick and just worn out from this week..and so that means pretty much a day and a half of no work...cas have to work on sunday early in the afternoon and i think ill spend some time in the office on sunday doing work and what not...so that it will be all done and ready..cas now all notes have to be done on monday morning for both jobs..and i just want to be caught up you know...i want to not have to worry about it anymore ...so yeah thats the plan...but tomorrow its like an utterly nothing day..nothing is going to happen..nothing is going to get done..if i stay in bed all day then so be it..darn it...i just want one day were im not having to wake up at 5 in the morning and driving to town and what not...just one day..is that so much to ask for ?

work was ok i guess...got it done..mix up with one of my schools and i didnt send my schedule last night cas of well being sick and going to sleep within an hour of getting home ...and im sure sleeping at 7:30 is a big big sign that well i wasnt feeling good..but yeah..so one school is mad at me..and one is happy..and one is just in the middle and still kinda neutral...next week will stink kinda..cas there will be a lot of rearranging of my schedule...3 preschool classes to see, 2 staff meetings, 2 supervisions, 1 90 day eval meeting and well umm 4 maybe 5 clients to see at least 2 times a week EACH..AND possibly teacher and parent meetings will end up happening next week also...and then add in my own random personal stuff and therapy..and im looking at my week like WTF ... maybe i need to call it quits now before next week even starts and give myself a break...essh...so messy...and so busy..and tiring..and well the possibility of getting my car back is also next week at some time..and yeah..like i said..it will be busy...and im realizing ..rather late in the game .. that with my jobs..i just cant make everyone happy and i think ive gotten so caught up in trying to keep everyone happy that im just getting more and more lost and overwhelmed with things..

it was pretty disappointing today to realize that my plan of how things were going to work out and how things are working out are two very different things ive screwed up my pay checks for next week..i really have..and i know i have to live with it ..i do...but i also realize that im kinda royally screwed right now money wise..and my hole of despair is growing and growing and growing (but my meds are stopping the sui feelings from forming..blah )..and i feel so caught in it all i guess..cas i keep thinking about how much money i need next week vs how much ill actually have...and what ill need to go home and all of that..and its frustrating and hard and ugh frustrating ..and i dont know what i can or cant pay..i really truly dont right now..i know what i have to pay and what i cant get around paying..and im trying hard to keep as much money as we can in the bank to kinda help with the cost of things..but even that is dwindling..and its just ...i guess things are going slower than planned and then all the extra car stuff going on is making it all really hard to deal with..and yeah..im trying to be patient...i truly am..but its hard...its really really hard

guess trying to kinda avoid what was talked about in therapy..on tuesday..i dont want to think about it..but little bits and pieces are still creeping in and im stuck wondering what happened..and what they are about...they make me sad though..and i keep thinking that im just tired of the secrets..but im not sure i can go and blab them all to my therapist at the drop of a hat..but i am tired of keeping them..im tired of feeling so awful and miserable..and i guess i just know that my life is passing me by and im missing it...i couldnt figure out the other day if i was just existing or if i was actually living..you know im out and about during the day..but im awful at relating to people...and yes i work as a counselor..and yes im still quite awful relating to people..i dont know how to do it..im uncomfortable doing it..god i hear praise and i shut down almost...and i dont want to be like this forever..its hard..its tiring..im tired..and i know that this thinking to can change at the drop of a hat to..but maybe its enough for now to just be thinking about it.. i just want out you know...some how there has to be a way out...

but anyways...im starting to cough and throat is hurting again so guess its time for more medicine and laying down..

sorry for rambling..

im tired...

im tired...like worn out drained tired..im tired of giving and giving and i dont know ..i just want the weekend to get here because i feel like im going to crack...but i gotta get some work done..so yeah...laters...