im trying . hard to stay positive but it is taking a lot of effort to manage that..trying to do one thing at a time..and i know that today i have to go and talk to the office here and see if i can move my part of the lease to a one bed room..and if not then ill know i do need to start looking for a new place to live...but the first option would be trying to stay in this apartment complex..and i talked to both mommy and nia last night about it..and i think it does make me feel better that you guys and they are on my side i guess..and upset with me about the whole thing..it helps me see that im not overreacting i guess..but mommy also said that she would help me money wise if i needed it..and i would rather that didnt happen..but i dont know..and not knowing makes me anxious..
when yvonne was explaining it all to me yesterday she said that she would you know help me find another place and all that...but im not sure i want her help at all right now..and she said she is going to talk to the office..but i know that if i wait for her it may be a while before she goes and i dont have time to wait for her...so im going to see about my part and what happens if the lease is broken..i want to here it from the ppl in charge i guess...but if there are fees or something then no im not paying it..yvonne said that she wouldnt be able to pay rent here and where ever she moved too...so i really do not think i will be able to stay in the 2 bedroom..even with help..well let me change that..staying in the two bedroom would limit me being able to do anything at all except pay bills and i wouldnt be able to afford al of them...and the one bedroom is still going to really push the limits i guess when it comes to money...and im just worried..there is no time to even start putting money aside to cover moving costs or deposits or any of that kinda stuff ..if it came to moving to a completely new apart complex..did i mention im massively frustrated :censor and im mad mad mad that she told me when i asked her that she may not be going to ny and asked if i would consider changing it to a different date...and i really really just ugh i hate it...the whole point of going was because it would be my birthday..and changing it to over the holidays would be kinda not ok..cas of work and going home and all of that..and i dont really want to go then..i want to go in september..and she knows this..ive talked about it for months....i dont want to change my plans i dont .. am i being mean or selfish if i go without her?.. i dont know
im very glad that i have t today..can feel the thoughts getting very very not ok
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