last night was not good

And so tonight everything just kinda came crashing down. I feel very very sad and broken. This is depressing, im depressing. Actually I guess it would be more than even depressed because I think for a little while tonight I was almost suicidal again. Im sad I cut but im upset because I stopped. I didn’t want to stop. I never wanted to cut. I wanted to stop thinking and I liked it. I always forget that part of me really likes cutting and it does make me feel better. It makes me tired and gives me a little bit of quiet..why do I even want to die again. I don’t think its so much wanting to die as it is just wanting to make things stop. There is way to much going on, and it is very overwhelming and stressful. Im trying to deal with it but its not working and I tried to listen to Yvonne and hear what she was saying. Nothing has changed though, and so it took a while but I realize now that what I have missed in all of this is my need to blame someone and that became blaming me. It felt like I was just waiting for something to blame myself for so that I could have a reason to just yell and be mean to myself. I wanted it in a way. I wanted to hurt, and the more I was mad and telling myself I was stupid and all of this is my fault the more it made sense to cut. That was the next stop, because of course it got way out of hand before I managed to realize I needed to stop. Then the only thing that could get it to stop was cutting. I wrote some, I made myself get up and walk around when I realized I was getting really anxious. I worked on a collage and nothing helped. None of it did. Now im just sad, and trying not to cry. I was really very angry earlier, and now its all just sad feelings. Im not angry anymore at all, just tired. I don’t like what is going on or how things are playing out. It just makes me anxious all the time. And if I had been paying attention I would have realized something like tonight was going to happen. I wasn’t paying attention though and was thinking I was fine and dealing with everything. I guess saying im a liar would be going a bit far, but I don’t care. I just hate all of this, I hate having to struggle so much with everything.
Today im still feeling really out of it. I don’t feel good, and im sad. Very very sad, the thoughts well the negative ones anyway just wont stop. Im stupid for just about every possible reason today and ive only been up for like an hour. I just want to stay inside today and not do anything..but I know that is not a good idea and so im forcing myself to stick to my plan of going to the movies. I have to because if I don’t ill just stay inside and not be okay. I can go to the movies and not be ok and I guess that’s a little better..i guess im a little worried about work this week, when im feeling so down and my mouth hurts..not thrilled about having to go to the doc this week. Id rather not but well I have to because im not sure if its my wisdom teeth coming in or something else. I feel like im falling apart in every way possible right now, and that is depressing.